Another "ah-ha" moment in the husband saga

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, May 13, 2011.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm sorry I keep posting about this junk...its either you guys or pay to talk to the counselor some more (which I'm not against doing...she's just not there when I have these moments!) Anyway, I am sorry for all my garbage. Just gotta put it somewhere to ponder.

    I was brought up with "do unto others" as basically the foundation for your actions. Look at everything from another's point of view.

    It occurred to me today, I don't think I've ever seen husband exhibit this sort of thought process. Nor his parents or sister. In fact, when I point out to husband to "what would you do/feel/think if you were in my position?" its like a totally foreign concept to him. Its not something he seems to have ever thought about.

    And his parents? Super-ditto. The other night we took the kids fishing for a couple hours, and his mom called him 8 times in 10 minutes (me once, but I didn't answer). And he answered all but once, and the once he'd told her he was not answering her call anymore (so she called him from his dad's phone). And she didn't want or need anything - did we have cgfg, the restaraunt we like was closed, the goat was in the shop (she was sitting in our driveway, calling him). Twice he told her "mom, i'm trying to do something here, please just call me later" and her response both times was "but I have something I need to tell you". Absolutely could not let that go. And all of the rift between us...they just can't see past their own selfish selves.... When we had the big blow up about her having cgfg lie to us to hide that stupid game, she just could not see anything wrong with that. In fact, she said if she wanted to pick up HER granddaughter and take her for ice cream, she was going to do just that andn to hades with anyone trying to stop her. Calling and asking to do so was an entirely foreign concept for her.

    Could he have been raised with a complete lack of regard for any body else? It sure seems his folks have it down pat.

    Not that it matters in the end, but I am sitting here and can not once think of an incident where they took someone else's point of view into account....

    husband still has to change it, tho.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Isn't a complete lack of regard for another person's thoughts and feelings on the sociopath scale?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Ktmom said what I was thinking. in my opinion your husband and his family have a whole lot of problems on the mental illness side of the jungle. I really doubt that your husband is going to be ABLE to change these things in any sort of time frame that is realistic from your side of things. I also doubt that any change will be permanent or lasting or even long or middle term. He is making short term changes to get you off his back so he can go to his comfortable life where he spends all his money on himself and all his time on himself and his parents and you take care of his kid, your kid, the home, the livestock, anything around the place where you live and anything else he doesn't want to deal with - like taking care of his truck. Why should he make changes when it has been this way for a long time and you haven't gone anywhere? I really don't think he believes you will toss him out. He is making what LOOK liek small changes to get you off his back. Just like "working" all weekend to put a trailer hitch on a vehicle that cannot tow anything you own and actually creating more problems that will need a paid mechanic to fix was to make you THINK he was working but really he was just playing around messing up things to get out of doing whatever it is that NEEDS to be done now like checking that cow to see if she has had her baby.

    At least that is what it looks like from here.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Actually, I think it is, ktmom. So there's a whole family of them. Do you call that a gaggle? A pride? Herd, maybe? J/k.

    You may well be right, Susie. Unfortunately. But time will tell. I am trying very hard to give it time so long as there is some sort of changes... so hard. We will see.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I like "a pride of sociopaths".

  6. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Is this an Aspie trait?
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    WOW Can I Ah-Ha with you? susiestar's recap sounds EXACTLY like my husband. Like she said he's making small changes just to get you off his back. I'm guessing he thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with him or the way he does things
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yup pepper, it is, and it wouldn't shock me a bit to find out his mom could be diagnosis'ed.
    That said, however, she's 80 and miserable in so many ways and would never in a million years look to herself for a solution. Ever. I have never met a bigger victim (figuratively and literally). She's the one that I'm not sure is capable of empathy. The rest are capable, but they never stop and consider someone else. Learned behavior? Learned from an aspie? Maybe. I don't know. Just another observation in the chaos..
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I've got to be blunt as I think it's only fair. I don't think your mother in law is an aspie at all. If anything she's a sociopath as the vast majority of her behavior seems to indicate strongly. And it totally makes sense with what you deal with as far as the family as a whole on a never ending basis.

    If this is the case and husband was not taught any form of empathy/caring for others either by example or what have you............and he's lived a lifetime this way..........whew! Empathy is something normally learned at a fairly young age. It's going to be tough, to say the least, to get that concept across to an adult. It's going to take a very long time and a ton of work. But with mother in law hovering, it's going to make it even harder.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't know what she is, but I have thought before that she fits the spectrum to some degree. But that doesn't fit because she knows dang good and well what she's doing when she makes her jabs at me, generally when husband isn't present. Never really gave it much thought becuase, quite frankly, there's no real point. She's 80. She's miserable. Her whole life seems to have been this way. And heck, i she can't accept that eating an entire package of Oreos as a diabetic and feeling sick is no one's fault but her own, there's no way in hades she'll ever get that her misery is self created, either.
    On one hand, I feel sorry for her. On the other, she brings so much of it on herself. and on both hands, I am doing nothing beyond surviving her from now on.
    Yes, the male counselor is a great idea. And getting him there at all was a stretch, so I'm glad she's doing this, tho it seems a bit underhanded to get individual counseling under the pretense of 'marriage counseling'. but hey, whatever works.
    In the meantime, she told me to go ahead and hire some things out if i can, in order to catch up and keep up. I think we're kinda at a stalling point for a bit. She seemed to think we can't move forward much til we know what his relationship with his parents really is.
  11. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    He's not a plastic surgeon is he?

    From FB
    Marg's Man
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I don't think she's any 'class' of anything. I think she's a bully. I spent years and years trying to figure out the whats and whys of my x's dysfunctional Mother because of the things he did to me and my son. I'll tell you this much; it's not worth it. I can tell you this; in the end she got exactly what she preached. All the years of cramming the philosphy of 'no police will be called' no matter how badly things got, and 'keep your mouth shut' no matter how many broken bones or stitches were required to be had, or how much injustice there was? It was FAMILY business, and we didn't need ANY outsiders sticking their nose in our business. One of the worst beatings I ever got from her son left me unconscious for hours, and battered beyond recognition. When I did come to? I made my way with my infant son to a friends house barely able to see, and then to the ER room where I left several times afraid for my life. On the third return I passed out, was put into ICU, and eventually was to be put in a room, but left the hospital AMA. I walked to the friends house, and made my way back home where my xmil was soon to storm in my house raving, screaming and as I turned to face her? Just the swelling, bruises and broken bones - for the first time in my life of knowing her shut her mouth. Three years and she finally shut her mouth. My xsil stormed in to, of course tell me off, and left throwing up after seeing what her wonderful brother had done for $20.00 cash that I had put back for diapers and milk for son.

    Three days later? She was begging me from three states away to come back to her son and work it out because he was suicidal. HE was suicidal. She was crying, and sobbing, and pleading. Like and idiot? I did. Two days later I was standing outside on her porch and overheard a conversation she had with her girlfriends where she reinacted her sobbing and crying and conversation with me on the phone and said "Yeah I'm good like that I got that dumb little so n so to come running back (snap) and there she was - I'm good. I'm better than good...All I know is I don't have to babysit my son anymore - that's HER job."

    Well - after that? I had a WHOLE new outlook on my wonderful, hugging, loving, I'm only here for you, let me help you, no one helps me, I'm all alone, my kids don't love me - wha wha wha, mother in law. I used to feel sorry for her, I used to wonder why her kids treated her like poo, then jumped whenever she shook a stick - it made no sense whatsoever. It was like they loved her/hated her and feared her but never did anything for her truly out of love - just out of OM if I don't do it? I'll never hear the end of her moaning and wailing. I was taught to do things for your parents out of respect, love and caring. There was NONE of that for her. In the beginning I used to feel sorry for her. By the time her own children ran her over with her own car and no one called the police and NO one went to jail and she stayed in a coma for weeks until they pulled the plug and even her NEIGHBORS swore they saw it happen out of fear of the family and her legacy? I felt nothing but - she got what she asked for. Not deserved but asked for. And the same stuff that yo uare going through? I went through. Mommy first. Always.

    Like I said - She was a bully - a master manipulator, a drama queen, and she lived to make other people miserable because she herself was the most miserable person I ever knew - but had quite a few people buffaloed. At one point she even told her kids to make them 'jealous' she was putting me in charge of her funeral arangements. This was after the incident above. So I told her if she did? I'd make sure that she was laid out in her casket face down, knees folded under her chest and butt up and I'd put her favorite yellow roses in the crack of her kiester and leave a sign next to the vault that said - I asked for this so the WHOLE world would know I felt they owed me a kiss on the A.@@. And i meant it too. After that? I got dropped completely from the FUNeral plans. (nothing FUN about that)

    As far as your husband's relationship with his parents? Not your problem. It's his. Yeah I know you're sitting there going - well no, really it's mine because I'm married to him = mmmmmmm neah. No not. Your problem is your marriage and your marriage is to him. HIS problem is that he is SOoooooooo worried about pleasing his Mother and Father for (insert whatever reason) that it's ruining HIS marriage. THAT? Is HIS problem. You can't fix that. Only he can fix that. And either he's working on it - or he's not. To me? Telling her he's NOT got the time to talk? A step in the right direction. Not the answer YOU were looking for - Not the answer I would want - I'd want him to say (well I can't type that here - and Mothers every where would be like - OH STAR MY WORD) but other than them? You'd be like - RIGHT ON!!!! POWER TO THE PEOPLE. Basically - all he would have had to do is just NOT pick up the phone right? Okay - but then there is that ONE call that could have been - Barns on fire, Dad had a heart attack - so you have to give him the first one.....but it could have been the second or third or - see? So in his mind? He's going to have to work this out with her - and that takes time......and well - she's a BULLY - and bullies aren't used to being told what to do - so right now - he has to find out WHAT it is that makes HER tick - and that takes time too - there IS something - he just has to find out what it is that HE has - that if he takes it away from her? SHE will be wanting it - and HE flips the tables and has the power and then they can work on sharing ----

    That's not easy. Takes time - and in the mean time? he has a wife. Sooooooooo It's tricky. But You can't fight this one for him. You could - It' be quicker - for sure. But if you want to COMPLETELY emasculate him and ruin your marriage? Tell him what to do - then it'll be over and done. (my best guess). If not? Hang on - be patient let him work it out with her, gain his respect back - and find his place and put her in hers. Then I think you'll see a different man. (my best guess) Just hard to do when you have a force like her running everyones show and life - because she doesn't know how to run her own. (ahhhhhhh there's the rub)

  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm trying to be patient. it's hard, and it looks like he does so damn little..but it's more than he was. Baby steps. And if hes trying, I feel it's my job to let him. I am the one that let it get this far...
    And he did tell his mom he would not answer any more of her calls. And he didn't.
    And trust me - I haven't wasted a lot of thought on what her 'problem' is. Whatever it is, it's hers, and she's chosen to continue like this....
    Last edited: May 15, 2011
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And Starbie, your story makes me feel bad for even complaining. They are nowhere near the monsters you dealt with.
    Those creeps lost the best thing they could have ever hoped to have the day you walked away.