Another development, another update. Oy.

[greenrene]

the red.........the passion........the vitality, life, life force, all hidden in the closet from way back when .........................and I experienced the females in my family as being removed, lifeless in some ways, void of feelings, empathy, connection......LIFE..........now that I feel I am beyond the destiny of not allowing the abuse to go through me.............I can see how the color, the passion, the vital force of life was hidden in the females.............closeted.........

The past 2 generations (at least) of females in my family (my mother and her mother) were/are just as you describe with the addition of an overall umbrella of fear. I don't want to be that way. My therapist told me that this year is going to be MY year - I've come a long way, still have far to go.

I had 2 very vivid dreams involving colors recently - in the first dream, I was at a point in life where the whole world was wide open, a fresh new start. I painted everything around me in the brightest, most beautiful colors, despite those around me who disapproved or thought it was ugly.

In the other dream, I was visiting my parents, who had built an addition onto their home. The addition was supposed to be completely spectacular, top of the line, and beautiful, but it was ruined (in the dream by my mother) by ugly paint just slopped everywhere, on top of which was a thick layer of dust. It was completely neglected and abandoned.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, I like that you said, "we have been fortunate," I feel that way too. It gives me great comfort and brings on such gratitude that I (we) stuck it out, through the really, really difficult times, to arrive in a place of acceptance. Whew!

I am equally aware that any old rug can be pulled out from underneath me at any time, and yet, the knowledge that I can trust myself to handle whatever comes along (in an entirely different manner) is very important and very comforting. My older friend mentioned to me the other day that when you become "comfortable within yourself", everything changes.........I believe she is right.

I have to commend you Cedar in your unending willingness to uncover whatever it took to release the patterns within yourself that have kept you in an unhealthy connection with your kids. You really have done an exemplary job and you've shown remarkable courage and commitment. I hope someday your kids wake up to see just what you went through so that they could be free too.

Greenrene, I love your dreams! I completely agree with your therapist too, this is YOUR year. Well, count me in to be one of the ones on the sidelines in your first dream cheering you on, approving BIG TIME and acknowledging just how beautifully your brush strokes in fact, are. The second dream sounds like your mother painted herself into a corner! And, YOU got to see the real truth of who she is. Cool.

Greenrene, I never wanted to be like my mother either........as I look back I don't think I was ever like her in any important way.........in many ways the exact opposite.........but so much of my driving internal force was to NEVER be ANYTHING like her AT ALL. Well, as I got older, there really were some okay parts of her which I kind of threw out with my initial judgement............I think once I started really healing, I could balance it all in a healthier way..........not so black and white...........I am clearly not like her but I have some similar traits that are healthy and I did inherit them from her........so I had to revise that a bit and realize in some ways it was okay to be like her..............I think I have much more of a capacity to love and be loved then she had...........and now when I look at her I feel sad for her, she missed the really good parts of life, the connections, the relationships, the intimacy and closeness, through her own fears, she kept herself away from LOVE. In my opinion, that ends up being the most important part for us humans, that sense of belonging, of being loved...........I wanted that and I worked hard towards that.

I think we are fortunate to have developed the initiative to heal our "mother wounds"..........if they go unhealed, we would've ended up being much like them in serious ways, and often it would be out of our awareness that we had taken on those traits........so we really dodged some bullets! Good for us!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I painted everything around me in the brightest, most beautiful colors, despite those around me who disapproved or thought it was ugly.

I was visiting my parents, who had built an addition onto their home. The addition was supposed to be completely spectacular, top of the line, and beautiful, but it was ruined (in the dream by my mother) by ugly paint just slopped everywhere, on top of which was a thick layer of dust. It was completely neglected and abandoned.

Who were the people who thought the beautiful colors were ugly? Can you see their faces, hear their voices? These could be your own negative internal voices ~ the negative tape running beneath all your thoughts.

Is there a positive presence in the dream? Maybe someone watching from afar?

What time of day is it?

***********************

In the second dream, it seems as though you believed your relationship with your parents has been improved, but it turns out to be the same old thing, again destroyed, destroyed before it was ever built (the dust) by your disrespectful, contemptuous mother ~ or, by the negative representation of her you carry around in your heart.

Completely neglected and abandoned...but you are there. You are back. And this time, you are letting yourself feel the disgust, see the terrible waste of something that was meant to be so beautiful.

How will the refurbished house appear, once you've brought it back?

***************

When I first began therapy, I dreamed of a devastated landscape. A desert. As I progressed, I discovered an ancient being in a tiny room far beneath the surface. The being was bald, and of indeterminate sex. He or she was turning the pages of a large book. Very old pages. An ancient book, something secret, something rare, something untouched and untouchable. At one point, the being turned to look at me. It's eyes were blue, like my eyes, only the being was so very, very old. Calmly, the being went back to reading, to turning the pages....

I left the room. There was a little greenery beginning to grow along a rivulet that had not been there, the first time I saw the landscape.

Over the years, the landscape has changed so much as to be almost unrecognizable.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Another too long post. Mostly, I just say we are fine. I touch on the changes happening for me as a result of the psychological breakthroughs resulting from understanding the dynamic of the skillset we call detaching.

And from choosing to ride that edge of vulnerability Brene Brown talks about, I suppose.

Everything in my life is changing. I think people might even be responding to me differently. Perhaps I am more open, less guarded, as I heal those old internal belief systems?

*********************

Oh, Recovering, I wrote this whole, long thing about how everything is going and realized it was just a whine. Well, shoot. So, I deleted it. Things with daughter and granddaughter could not be better. Daughter is taking care of business, seeing doctors, re-establishing relationship with her own daughter. Physical and mental deficits are resolving amazingly well. Though her patterns of speech are almost back to normal, difficult child is still very forgetful, doesn't remember who she told what to and etc. We are expecting that to resolve, too. Granddaughter is...well, I don't know. Strong. She is strong. Granddaughter will begin school there toward the end of this month. If that happens, difficult child and granddaughter will stay where they are. The male who beat difficult child is going to court for the first time since the beating, today. If he is released, we will fly difficult child and granddaughter down here for their safety as soon as possible. If the male is denied bail, they will most likely continue where they are. Still at the shelter. Counseling there has been good for both difficult child and granddaughter.

husband and I, not so good. I understand this is part of coming back into balance. Bad Cedar demands more of husband than needing to understand, one more time, that this is part of coming back into balance. I applaud her. husband is considering his options.

******

I love that you think of me, that you post wondering about me when I don't post. Thank you, Recovering. It is good to remember who I am, good to know that I have an intrinsic value and a separate identity.

husband can be verbally abusive. It is hard to stand up, to remember who I am, under a prolonged onslaught. In reality though, everything that is happening is part of addressing and healing the original damage. So, I am fortunate in this, as well.

I am consciously aware of what is happening, as it happens. I have come a long way. husband does not know how to handle these changed patterns. It has been hard for him, too.

It is so obvious to me, now that I have reworked so much of what I was taught to believe about who I was, about who I had the right to be, that husband's behaviors have nothing to do with me. This is not making husband look very masculine or desirable to me.

It is interesting to note that in the past, husband's behaviors resulted in my not feeling very feminine or desirable to me.

Healthy is good.

:O)

Cedar

P.S. I almost deleted the information about husband. It seems like a betrayal. I am posting for the same reason I post other things too personal to me. Someone who needs it, someone going through the same changes (or hoping to) may see and be helped by it.

It is absolutely true that as we change, everything changes. Every single thing. Instead of shame at the echoes of the original wounding (which is the dynamic between abused and abuser) what I feel now is like the other person is missing a connection, somewhere.

The difference really is quite extraordinary.

Also, I will post about my sister. The last things I had posted to her on FB were something to the effect that I really was sorry if I'd hurt her feelings, but that I wanted something more real than what we have. She FB on Christmas Eve wishing a merry and blah, blah, blah.

I did not respond.

Two or three days ago, she FB wondering whether what she had heard about difficult child was true. I FB back: "What is it you want to know?" This was unspeakably, unimaginably rude behavior for me. She FB that she already knew, and that, as it had happened a month ago and difficult child was still here, everything must be fine and that was what mattered.

I did not respond.

The patterns there have changed. I have the same feeling from my sister that I have from husband. They don't know what to do. Have not heard from my mother, who stays with my sister during the winter. This is not unusual, as mom and sister living together during the winter is what brought many of the old patterns front and center, again.

Neither has contacted difficult child. Not to wish her well, not to encourage or condemn her.

I deserve better. difficult child deserves better.

No question.

In the past, I would have felt guilty, ashamed, willing to talk and talk and oh, so hoping of support. Now? I say swear words when I think of how they are responding to something so awful. Once again though...as it is with husband's behaviors of choice, the shame I once would have felt has landed squarely on them.

 

[greenrene]

Who were the people who thought the beautiful colors were ugly? Can you see their faces, hear their voices? These could be your own negative internal voices ~ the negative tape running beneath all your thoughts.

Is there a positive presence in the dream? Maybe someone watching from afar?

What time of day is it?

***********************

In the second dream, it seems as though you believed your relationship with your parents has been improved, but it turns out to be the same old thing, again destroyed, destroyed before it was ever built (the dust) by your disrespectful, contemptuous mother ~ or, by the negative representation of her you carry around in your heart.

Completely neglected and abandoned...but you are there. You are back. And this time, you are letting yourself feel the disgust, see the terrible waste of something that was meant to be so beautiful.

How will the refurbished house appear, once you've brought it back?

***************

When I first began therapy, I dreamed of a devastated landscape. A desert. As I progressed, I discovered an ancient being in a tiny room far beneath the surface. The being was bald, and of indeterminate sex. He or she was turning the pages of a large book. Very old pages. An ancient book, something secret, something rare, something untouched and untouchable. At one point, the being turned to look at me. It's eyes were blue, like my eyes, only the being was so very, very old. Calmly, the being went back to reading, to turning the pages....

I left the room. There was a little greenery beginning to grow along a rivulet that had not been there, the first time I saw the landscape.

Over the years, the landscape has changed so much as to be almost unrecognizable.

Cedar

I remember one face from the first dream, just a random person I knew in high school (random people from my past show up in my dreams all the time - I have little contact with people from childhood/college besides on FB). The positive presence in the dream was ME. I remember very vividly the lovely feeling of not giving a flying fig what anybody thought of my painting. Not sure about time of day, but it was light outside, I think.

As to the second dream, that's an interesting take on it. My therapist suggested that the house addition with the ugly mess was me in my upbringing - I was meant to be beautiful, but my mother "ruined" me - I was seeing that the beauty was still there, just under a big mess that needed a lot of work cleaning up.

Your landscape dream is fascinating!!!!!

You said something else in your last post, something that Recovering has said elsewhere - "It is absolutely true that as we change, everything changes. Every single thing. Instead of shame at the echoes of the original wounding (which is the dynamic between abused and abuser) what I feel now is like the other person is missing a connection, somewhere."

My therapist says that making the changes like we are doing is like being in a pool with everyone else in your life. When you start making changes within yourself, it's like starting to make waves, like you're jumping around with an inner tube. Everyone else in the pool with you notices, some may get mad and want you to stop making waves, some may think it's great and go along with you, but ultimately everyone is forced into either going along with you, or getting out of the pool.

 

[recoveringenabler]

What happened in court today with the guy who beat your difficult child? Did he get released? I am hoping he doesn't so your difficult child and her daughter can complete what they started where they are without you and husband. Seems like you need the time alone for awhile as your transform within your cocoon.

Well, I can see how bad Cedar will not put up with husband's verbal assaults.........good for bad Cedar. I think, as happened with my own daughter, as you change your response to husband and he is left bereft in that new empty space, growth happens.........and as we've discussed, everything changes. I am really proud of you Cedar, I love hearing about all of these changes.......you go girl! And, you too Greenrene.

Remember how I described the interaction with my daughter like a script, she had her lines, I had mine, and the script worked for us, sort of like a 'harmonious neurosis'..............but then I change the whole script and responded differently and did not allow myself to be harmed, disrespected, not valued and in fact, demanded appreciation and respect. Well, it took a while, but she responded differently and continues to do so. I changed. Then she changed. I still imagine she is uncomfortable around me, she isn't quite so sure of what the script is, so she is somewhat subdued. Since she used to take up all the air in the room this is quite the shift.

That shame thing is so interesting isn't it? When I read Brene Brown's take on that and how shame based people will throw their shame at you with criticism, judgment, one-up-man-ship, guilt, put downs, yuck...........but, when you no longer allow that shame to be dumped on you, they have to take it on themselves.............well that must suck! But for me? I have found it so freeing and such a relief. So, like in Greerene's pool, they get out or they learn to swim with you...............cool. Even cooler is I totally know how to swim alone so I am GOOD.

You do deserve better Cedar, you ALWAYS did. It was you (us) who allowed or settled for bad behavior. But, as SO says now, "there's a new Sheriff in town, so heads up everyone!" It always makes me laugh because I am the bad cop now!!!

I like this script way, way better. I have a real sense of my own personal power and value. Not from a place of above anyone, just the best ME I can be all by myself.......

Cedar, it again occurs to me that you are making this major change in your life in a short amount of time, rather quickly. As I've said, I've done this over many years. Your relationships are changing as they must to include the new you who is quite a bit larger and takes up a lot more space.................over many, many years I have changed and let many relationships go.............casualties of my growth.............many family members, close, old friends.............we no longer travel in the same orbit, so I had to let go and move forward. That is one of the most challenging things for me in terms of growth..............you do in fact leave relationships if they cannot be fluid and shift with the new tides. Or if they flow with you, you can create a really solid, healthy, fun connection.

Just a little aside...........I am 6 hours south of home with my granddaughter, SO, granddaughter's best friend and her best friend's Mom. We are in the college town the girls are interested in being in next year. It is beautiful here, on the water, near the mountains, and the girls are beside themselves with JOY. We are having fun. We're going to be here for a few days..............

And to check in and hear how you guys are doing completes the day in a really good way............

Interesting dreams by the way...........

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

What a great time this must be for you, Recovering! On the water, near the mountains, releasing your granddaughter into the future you all have prepared, your own freedom with SO just over the horizon! And of more value even than these wonderful things...you are really present. Finally, really, undeniably, present in your own life and for your own sake.

:O)

Cool beans, Recovering.

I'm right behind you, trailing the glory of the sunrise.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The positive presence in the dream was ME.

Not sure about time of day, but it was light outside, I think.

ultimately everyone is forced into either going along with you, or getting out of the pool.

That you were the positive presence indicates to me that you ~ the real, authentic you ~ are here, now. Fully present and accounted for, you are moving strongly toward reinterpreting yourself, toward reclaiming the joy of color and breath and life with or without your mother's consent or approval.

You are there, alive and well, strong and gleaming white, under all those layers of dust.

*******************

"Layers, crusts, and shells which may have been built up over years become brittle, break apart, and begin to disappear. Muscles relax. And a realization dawns that a personal daystar has begun to shine, giving us its light."

Maria Harris
Dance of the Spirit

**********************

"The true self: the original design for a building that needs restoring. It is stamped in the depths of us like a template for the selves we are meant to be."

Smedes
Shame and Grace

***********

"Our true self is the self we are meant by our Maker to be. Our false self is the fabricated self that other people require us to be. But the self that grace permits and enables us to accept is the actual self that we are here and now, in the ordinary, sometimes grubby, often painful day we are blessed to be alive in."

Smedes
Shame and Grace

********

"When we are embarrassed, we feel socially foolish. When we are shamed, we feel morally unworthy."

Smedes
Shame and Grace

**************

"That which, deprived of daylight...
worships, in the night."

John Bradshaw
Homecoming

************

"There was a time, oh tender elf
when you were poetry, itself."

John Bradshaw
Homecoming

****************

"But the life force from God overcame the death force of my shame.
And I lived."

Smedes
Shame and Grace

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

"On the water, near the mountains, releasing your granddaughter into the future you all have prepared, your own freedom with SO just over the horizon! And of more value even than these wonderful things...you are really present. Finally, really, undeniably, present in your own life and for your own sake."

Oh Cedar, thank you for that, I hadn't looked at it quite like that and I love the idea of releasing my little granddaughter into the future we prepared............that line really warmed my heart in a fierce and lovely way. Seeing her smiling from ear to ear yesterday planning her future with her bestie..........wow.

I have changed so much with my granddaughter as a result of the changes with my daughter.......a mere month or so ago I was wringing my hands, worrying about her future and how so much of it was on my plate, emotionally and financially. And, as I progressed, I saw some of the old patterns at play and stopped it, talked to granddaughter and let go. I am still doing that even as we are here..............it is a PRACTICE for sure. When confronted with a young face looking to me to give her something, I have a momentary lapse in judgement..............feel that old resentment, weirdness, spend a moment in the fog and usually it is SO who will pull me out with a remark as simple as "why are you thinking this is YOUR responsibility?" Oh. I forgot. It isn't my responsibility. And, then I can let go.

Today we are looking at apartments............so funny because the girls have this image in their heads to be living a lifestyle like the Kardashians...............they are still young enough to NOT really know the realities of finances...........and we are in that same territory where the Kardashians hang..............so I will be spending the day giving reality checks on that!! Sigh. Sometimes this stuff is WORK. But the truth is I feel so much better when I am honest about what I can do and what I can't, what I am willing to do and what I am not. Wish me luck!! These two kids can turn into attorneys and argue a loop hole until your eyes roll back in your heads...........sometimes I look at that as they are sharpening my tools to be able to set boundaries and be real.............before we encounter the new ground we need to stand on with her, SO always says, "we need to gird our loins and then double team her." I will soon turn into a Master at this!!

"to accept is the actual self that we are here and now, in the ordinary, sometimes grubby, often painful day we are blessed to be alive in."

I love all the quotes, they really fit our journey. Thank you. Acceptance of what is, is the key, I believe, not denying it, not making believe it is different then what it is, not disguising it with a whole new self,...........but this is where I am right now...........and I can deal with it...........I trust myself to know what to do. It sounds so simple and yet, I have found, it is the journey of one's life.

Well, off we go.............

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I wonder whether people abused as kids have that template of the all-knowing parent (which is certainly what, out of their own senses of weakness, our abusive parents demanded that we believe) so firmly ingrained that we feel a little inadequate to every new set of circumstances simply because we are not displaying the certainty our abusive parents taught us was appropriate to the parenting role?

But they were wrong in this teaching too, Recovering. Abusing their own children, steeping us in the learned reality of power over...this is something we have to examine and heal, too. Could there be a more perfect way, a more perfect place and time, for you to practice remaining right there, right on the edge where things are most uncertain and growth can happen than where you are, now?

We wrote so often about the way things seem custom-tailored for our growth.

:O)

No one knows the "right" thing, the right way to go. No one can predict the future or even, really know what happened in the past or even, sometimes, what is happening right in front of us, in the now.

That is the truth. Not that stuff our parents wanted us to believe about how powerful they were. They no longer hold the power of life and death over us, Recovering.

And that was the only power they ever had.

We lived.

True power lies in flexibility, in present moment engagement, in coming into every opportunity with our eyes open and our senses of playfulnes and curiosity and integrity and sanctity fully engaged. Happy? Sad? Right? Wrong? It's all a question of perception. Change how we see, and the world changes.

That you don't claim to know, that you are taking all this on (and it is a great, big, wonderful thing your granddaughter is doing) with your eyes open, that you are admitting frustration and happiness and need of an ally to validate reality is a triumph of the first order.

Good, good, good for you and for me, Recovering! Trust that all things are working as they should, not just in times of uncertainty, but in all times. Remain present. That is all we have to do. Everything else will take care of itself.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

Cedar, I have to echo what Recovering said (and I don't want to interpret for her, but I thought I heard a note of concern for you) in that you are going SO FAST in your discovery and unlayering...it has to be hard that way (well it is hard either way). I get that you are going fast because that is right for you, because you are in an unstoppable mode of self-exploration and either your life or your psyche is demanding it right now, and thriving on it...I guess just...remember to be gentle with yourself, and with those around you who are less enlightened, who are not moving as fast. They may move faster on another day.
I get the feeling of disloyalty about husband...NO relationship is easy, and we always have the opportunity to look askew at people we love...and sometimes we have in fact loved people for too long....and sometimes they can't keep up with our personal growth. All those things are true. I guess.....just...remember as Thich Nhat Hahn, whom I remember you liked, says...try to remember that at bottom we all just want to feel safe and loved. That tiny child voice in there hoping for those little things is in all of us. Sometimes it helps to remember that about the big galout grown ups around us...It can help get us back to the place of love and acceptance, if that is the way to go.
Fondly,
Echo

 

[recoveringenabler]

"True power lies in flexibility, in present moment engagement, in coming into every opportunity with our eyes open and our senses of playfulness and curiosity and integrity and sanctity fully engaged. Happy? Sad? Right? Wrong? It's all a question of perception. Change how we see, and the world changes.

That you don't claim to know, that you are taking all this on (and it is a great, big, wonderful thing your granddaughter is doing) with your eyes open, that you are admitting frustration and happiness and need of an ally to validate reality is a triumph of the first order.

Good, good, good for you and for me, Recovering! Trust that all things are working as they should, not just in times of uncertainty, but in all times. Remain present. That is all we have to do. Everything else will take care of itself. "

These are wonderful words..........thank you. I did have that experience today too, being in the moment and simply addressing what is. The other Mom is a self proclaimed enabler and I can so see the difference in how I am interacting with my granddaughter and how she is interacting with her daughter. She is anxious and not able to relax and enjoy herself.........she is worried and trying to figure it out and control..........I know that space and I am thrilled to NOT be there.

This trip has been so important on so many levels for all of us.

Living in the NOW, what a terrific concept.

I love that simplicity Echolette, "we all just want to be safe and loved." That is the essence of all of it isn't it? Sometimes the simplest things make the most sense. I recall reading that the Dalai Lama said "it's only hard if you THINK it's hard." I remember thinking how remarkably, ridiculously easy that sounded..............and yet we do control how we feel by what we believe and most of us don't tune into that truth to the degree that we can change it. It is just what is for us.........and it stays hard...........AND, we do always have that choice.

We had a really great day by the way...........smooth and easy.........and FUN!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Cedar, I have to echo what Recovering said (and I don't want to interpret for her, but I thought I heard a note of concern for you) in that you are going SO FAST in your discovery and unlayering...

remember to be gentle with yourself, and with those around you who are less enlightened, who are not moving as fast. They may move faster on another day.

NO relationship is easy, and we always have the opportunity to look askew at people we love...

...remember as Thich Nhat Hahn, whom I remember you liked, says...try to remember that at bottom we all just want to feel safe and loved.

That tiny child voice in there hoping for those little things is in all of us.

Sometimes it helps to remember that about the big galout grown ups around us...

It can help get us back to the place of love and acceptance

Thank you, Echolette. You are right. I did hear the note of caution in Recovering's observations.

You are right too, that I have been so angry, so focused on what that was and what that was about and how to handle feelings I have always stuffed away and now, am trying to encourage that I forgot about simple kindness.

I forgot about simple kindness.

I forgot that husband is operating on, and escalating, old patterns. (Patterns which once made me feel safe; patterns which I once required.) I did forget to hear, and comfort and cherish, that little boy inside husband, scared of changes he did not anticipate or ask for.

Those same little people live in the hearts of each of my children, too.

I do want to remember that; I do want to be so aware of that, Echolette.

In the dream I had about flying so fast and landing so hard...perhaps this is the caution I need, to make the landing survivable. To remember kindness....

Thank you very much, Echolette.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning! Cedar, I agree that remembering to be kind to those around us as we change is important, however, it is very important to remember to be kind to yourself. I think part of the changes bring out the angers and feelings we could not allow before, so being angry at husband, the kids, your sister is really quite appropriate..........don't stuff those feelings back down again............but recognizing the anger shouldn't be thrown at them but permitted to surface and be expressed in the most appropriate way you can manage.............the different way in which others are responding to you is NOT your responsibility to make nice about, that is really their problem, not yours. Others are going to be uncomfortable and have their own set of feelings about your changes, you don't need to take that on.

In your dream YOU'RE the one who hit the ground hard, you didn't take anyone out as you did that. I imagine you are very good at being kind to others, it's being kind to yourself which is probably more of what needs to happen. Enabling is putting the care of others before ourselves, don't do that now............... remember to take good care of YOU while you are going through these massive changes. Nurture yourself. As you get better at taking really good care of YOU, you will be better able to take care of others in an appropriate way. As we are in this vulnerable and new place, in this cocoon transforming, we are newly formed and have to be careful to NOT slip back in to the old patterns of enabling..............you may slip and be inappropriately angry, but you can always correct that and make it right.........trust yourself to respond appropriately.

And, in addition, husband and the kids and your sister did inappropriate things to YOU, they have all been abusive in some way.............you responding differently and being angry IS appropriate and healthy, being angry when someone crosses a line is a healthy response...............most of us enablers are very uncomfortable with our own anger and really, that needs to happen in order for us to grow and learn. When I said you were moving through all of this quickly, I was much more concerned about you, not your lack of kindness to anyone else. I trust that as the dust settles, you will find your way through and you will consider the feelings of others.............but NEVER again above YOUR feelings.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

but recognizing the anger shouldn't be thrown at them but permitted to surface and be expressed in the most appropriate way you can manage

Others are going to be uncomfortable and have their own set of feelings about your changes, you don't need to take that on.

Enabling is putting the care of others before ourselves

remember to take good care of YOU while you are going through these massive changes.

As we are in this vulnerable and new place, in this cocoon transforming, we are newly formed and have to be careful to NOT slip back in to the old patterns of enabling..............you may slip and be inappropriately angry, but you can always correct that and make it right.........

trust yourself to respond appropriately.

most of us enablers are very uncomfortable with our own anger and really, that needs to happen in order for us to grow and learn.

I trust that as the dust settles, you will find your way through and you will consider the feelings of others.............but NEVER again above YOUR feelings.

I'd forgotten humility, Recovering.

Anger is such a bright, strengthening, roaring thing...but it can slip us over into righteousness, into power over.

It can feel so good just to run with it.

I have written that, for me, there was a time when I was responsible for my siblings. There was a time of choice then, too. When I was twelve, I found myself responding to something my younger brother (he would have been eleven) had done, or to something I wanted him to do and he refused, with screaming and anger and rage.

Just like my mother.

And I stopped. Recognized the wrongness and reigned the feelings in. I could not tell you now what it was he did or what it was I told him to do, something to do with cleaning the house, probably...but I can recall those feelings of power over with striking, perfect, horrifying clarity. He was a ready-made victim, Recovering. My mother had already taught us all who we were and what we deserved, in the hierarchy of power she had set up, in the roles we had all taken.

It would have been so easy, so satisfying, to have let those feelings run, Recovering.

And had I done that, I would be a very different person than I am, today. That incident, and several others where the same kinds of choices were presented, is where I learned to back up, to stop, to taste that shameful taste of power over and turn away from it.

To see my mother in me so clearly, and to be ashamed that it ~ that whatever it was that we saw when she was enraged ~ was here, in me, too.

Maybe, for those of us who come out of abusive situations, those kinds of decisions were the first times we rode that edge Brene Brown writes about. I didn't know what to do? But I knew what I refused to do, who I refused, whatever the cost, to become.

This is the same thing.

I am an adult, now. I have this site, and all of you, to help me see, and I am so grateful.

Sooner or later, I would have come to this decision point. It is inevitable, having had an abusive parent whose mantra was power over that, as I reclaim my own power, I need to define what it is I am reclaiming. It is not the thunder of power over.

It is something else, something I have been given the grace and the time and the opportunity (and the companions) to learn about, to look at and to look into, and choose.

What is it that I will reclaim and allow and encourage?

I need to see, accept, and acknowledge that fine line between legitimate power, and power over.

One more time, that is what I am learning, right now, I guess.

I certainly have been angry alot, that is for sure. I've been encouraging the anger, trying to release it in yoga or meditation or in just acknowledging that I know it is there. I don't feel I have been inappropriate with husband...but I do feel that rush to judgment, that willingness to condemn globally.

And that is a first step into wrongness, for sure.

Someone has to have their eyes open, around here.

:O)

Seriously.

And you are right, Recovering. I am uncomfortable with it. I don't know what to do with it or about it. I am trying to let it ride, to ride it out, to see where it takes me. But...it's a very heady feeling. Slick and full and roaring to go.

Flying my colors, at last.

But will I do that in defiance of the painful things? Or in celebration of the good ones? Will I never be finished with living in the reflections of what my mother taught me about who I was, about who I could be, about the dangers of judgment and shame and self aggrandisement?

The difficult thing about this part is to explore the balance point between shame and humility, between power and power over, between kindness and foolishness, between self respect and self aggrandisement.

I do need to be kind to myself while this all happens. I am going to make mistakes, feel ashamed, run the danger of falling back too far into a comfort zone that was more like a closet or a coffin than a place of nourishment or hope.

With Echolette's posting, I saw more clearly what I was doing, and felt ashamed of myself. With yours, I see that this is a difficult transition, that there are going to be times I go too far one way or the other, and that there is no shame in it.

I agree that husband / sister / kids have behaved inappropriately. Anger is a healthy, appropriate response. I loved that you said anger shouldn't be thrown out, but should be permitted to rise and be expressed as appropriately as I can manage. To that, I would add, "today." As appropriately as I can manage, today.

I will get better at it, become familiar with it, recognize myself in it.

Thank you, Recovering. The imagery of the cocoon, of the unfolding of breath and color, is exactly right. It gives me a way to know that I am not in stasis with these feelings. It is a process.

A beautiful one.

And it will come to fruition in its own time.

Maybe we should be looking at our awakenings in just that way, Recovering and Echolette and greenrene and Janet and tia. Like pregnancies in a way ~ so much discomfort, so much fear and hope that all will be well with the baby. And when it is over and the years have passed, we wish we had been more attentive to the process, to the miracle we were gifting ourselves and the universe, changing things for all time, ripple by ripple by ripple.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

What happened in court today with the guy who beat your difficult child?

I think, as happened with my own daughter, as you change your response to husband and he is left bereft in that new empty space, growth happens.

Remember how I described the interaction with my daughter like a script, she had her lines, I had mine, and the script worked for us, sort of like a 'harmonious neurosis'

..............but then I change the whole script and responded differently and did not allow myself to be harmed, disrespected, not valued and in fact, demanded appreciation and respect.

Well, it took a while, but she responded differently and continues to do so.

I changed. Then she changed.

I still imagine she is uncomfortable around me, she isn't quite so sure of what the script is, so she is somewhat subdued. Since she used to take up all the air in the room this is quite the shift.

That shame thing is so interesting isn't it? When I read Brene Brown's take on that and how shame based people will throw their shame at you with criticism, judgment, one-up-man-ship, guilt, put downs, yuck...........but, when you no longer allow that shame to be dumped on you, they have to take it on themselves.............well that must suck!

Even cooler is I totally know how to swim alone so I am GOOD.

But, as SO says now, "there's a new Sheriff in town, so heads up everyone!" It always makes me laugh because I am the bad cop now!!!

I have a real sense of my own personal power and value. Not from a place of above anyone, just the best ME I can be all by myself.......

Your relationships are changing as they must to include the new you who is quite a bit larger and takes up a lot more space.

That is one of the most challenging things for me in terms of growth..............you do in fact leave relationships if they cannot be fluid and shift with the new tides. Or if they flow with you, you can create a really solid, healthy, fun connection.

Temps in Minnesota the day of the hearing for difficult child male were something like 38 below zero. (!) His hearing is postponed until next Monday.

Harmonious neurosis. Exactly right, Recovering. We are in the creative throes of composing another kind of music, now. Me by choice, and husband because he has no choice. I like that imagery, very much.

Another dream I have already shared. About the old fuse box in my Grandmother's house. And the scary part was: "And the wires connect. And the music...plays of its own accord."

*************

"When you no longer allow that shame to be dumped on you...." Yes, again, Recovering. And truly, it really must suck. That is exactly what seems to be happening. Stay the course, then. No one else can heal our sense of shame. For husband to have felt relief through both of us believing I was wrong or inept or any other bad thing cannot have been helpful to either of us. The illusion of false comfort...but underneath, you know darn well that isn't real. Harmonious neurosis!

Ha!

I love that phrase.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Very interesting post Cedar. I understand about witnessing rage and the power OVER as opposed to our personal power which empowers the Self and others. I too reigned in my power and anger. I have been riding that edge for many, many years as I discover that balance point. It has also been challenging to live within a society which discourages women's anger, so there are more components to it then just our families of origin. I think it is almost common for women of our generation to run into this issue, perhaps not with as much of a disparity between the power poles, but I don't think it's uncommon.

My father raged, my mother manipulated, both roles were abhorrent to me and I didn't want to follow either......... leaving me without a compass to negotiate any rough seas. I've also encountered other women who have not expressed their anger or their power and the choices they made............... manipulations, judgments, blame, depression, not taking risks, fears, jealousies.............the results of squashing our power/anger...........I believe buried underneath our anger is our power, not power over, but the authentic expression of who we really are. As you said to me, "True power lies in flexibility, in present moment engagement, in coming into every opportunity with our eyes open and our senses of playfulness and curiosity and integrity and sanctity fully engaged." It's being REAL. And telling the truth. It is, to me, exactly what you said in that quote.

We have few role models for that. I am learning to ask myself what it is I want and then to communicate it. No BS, not making nice, or editing, or holding it in, or throwing feelings around, or judging, just what is it I want and then telling the truth about that. I do not want outrageous stuff, I simply want to be heard, to have my opinion matter, not to be right or get what I want at all costs, but to express what I want and discuss it with others who are expressing what they want. This turns out to be a tall order. In the small circle of people I hang out with, I am also encouraging them to be real too. Seems you and I aren't the only ones that this issue impacts, it's global.

That's what is changing with your husband, your kids and your sister. You haven't been real or authentic, you've acted out of a role which didn't permit true feelings, only segments of truth which you felt would be accepted. They did the same thing. Now you changed the game and went and got real..............it is very vulnerable to take one's mask off and tell the truth, without the roles, we can be annihilated. Or we can be liberated from the false roles.

Perhaps you might exchange the word shame to embarrassed. You might be embarrassed if you make some mistakes a long the way now, but you can trust yourself to correct them, apologize if necessary and move on. No more shame. I heard a workshop leader once say that "embarrassment is the step before enlightenment," because when we feel that hot sticky feeling of being embarrassed it is usually because we recognize we have messed up somehow...........then we correct it............we are spiritual beings having a human experience and no one handed us a big book of rules, we MAKE MISTAKES and that is how we learn.

Anger is held in the body Cedar, so find physical ways to express it. Scream, stomp around, kick, whatever will release it. Thinking about it and observing it doesn't release it, it needs to be expressed somehow.

I've been in many women's groups over the years and an interesting observation for me has been that the angriest women have often had the most calm and quiet facades, the softest voice, a crooked smile masking all the unsaid words...........and then at some point I've watched that veneer explode...........it seems we have some image of what a NON angry person looks like and we spend years practicing refining that image so it looks good.............but it usually cracks open at some point when life hits us with the cosmic hammer. And, it ain't pretty.

I agree, this is indeed a BIRTH. With all the labor pains and joy. And cruising down the birth canal is an arduous journey in the dark.................but this birth is conscious and deliberate, a new beginning without the fear of simply being who you (we) were always meant to be.

I love that phrase as well Cedar, "harmonious neurosis" and think about it, as our neurosis subsides and more health prevails, the "other" has to become less neurotic as well...............or there will be no harmony..........we can grow together which requires more authenticity, vulnerability and courage.............and offers more intimacy, more connection, more fun, more LIFE, vitality, engagement and presence. What an amazing journey..........

I have been practicing that "present moment engagement" you spoke of Cedar............it made this time with SO and granddaughter and bestie and other Mom a really heartfelt, connected, amazingly playful experience for all of us. Being "real" brings on deep connections with others and I am getting better at simply expressing my honest feelings and being open and available for the honest expression of others as well. That open connection/expression is a beautiful thing.

Cedar, I do believe you've rewired your grandmothers house. And, as a result, all the generations following are now dealing with all new wiring.............as the new current runs through everyone, there may be some sparks, some energy shifts, some breakdowns...........but ultimately, that new current will run smooth and easy and your power to express your authentic self will be just the way it is.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Your replies mean so much to me, Recovering. Honest and raw, and determined.

Here is an Elie Wiesel for you. It's so beautiful.

"I ask him about his life, and about his death. About the wondering souls he has sent to brighten my path with their evanescent light."

:O)

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, thank you. I love that quote.

Today on another thread I read that you and husband are out there boating, swimming, playing..............oh my, I can't even tell you how happy that made me!! Our kids may be out there floundering in an alternative universe, but geez, should we stop living and stop enjoying life? I used to think I had to stop, but now? No way.

Good for you Cedar, you take bad Cedar and party down with husband and have some serious FUN!!!! (And, I'll be doing the exact same thing!!!)

 

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, what happened in court with the abuser? How are you and husband doing now? Sending you and husband warm wishes.........thinking of you...........