another dilemma!

[standswithcourage]

I posted not long ago because my daughter is getting married in two weeks. Somehow I just cant seem to keep from getting weepy. She has been living with him a year and going with him 5 years. I hope it is the right decision. I just dont see her very much - they live about 1 mile from me. It seems they spend more time with his family. He is from a divorced family - 3 times. I just miss her already. Any help? Also my oldest son is a difficult child and has been diagnosed bipolar and has used drugs. I do not think I can trust him to go to the reception where their will be free beer and wine. What do I do about that? How can I tell him he cant come? He probably doesnt want to anyway. It is weird. We were such a close family I thought. I stayed home 15 years with my children only to feel like I got slapped in the face. My youngest is 17 and he is great. What now?

 

[susiestar]

Courage, a couple of things occur to me.

Number ONE is that you are NOT responsible for what your 24 yo son does. If he drinks, it is HIS job. Do you and your husband think you will let him live at home for long with no job if he is drinking? If he is sober and has no job?

Have you been to any al-anon meetings? They were designed for people in your situation.

HAs your daughter actually invited him? Is she upset about things that happened at home, or away from home, with him? Could she be staying away because she does not want to comment on her older bro, or see him doing what she may think of as taking advantage? Did he abuse her when she lived at home? She may be staying away because that.

She may also just feel a need to move on to a new phase and be all wrapped up in her own self.

Could you go do girl things with her, or couple things you and husband and her and fiance? Where you would not see or talk about the older bro?

Just some thoughts that occur to me.

Hugs, I know you miss your baby girl,

Susie

 

[Hound dog]

Susie made some really good points.

I wanted to add, since you don't get to see daughter very much, how about volunteering a "girl's day out" and take her to one of those Day Spas and let her get the works so she'll feel glamorous for her wedding day? Or maybe just do lunch or catch a movie.

I have to ditto Susie on the reception part. If daughter invited him and he wants to go, it will be up to him to turn down any alcohol that's served. That's not something you should be taking onto your shoulders.

I'd say after so much time with her b/f daughter ought to have a pretty darn good idea if she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Again, not really your worry. YOU don't have to live with him. lol

Bottom line: Your kids are grown. They'll probably make mistakes, some of them even big mistakes. Just like we did. That's part of life, and how we learn.

Hugs

 

[goldenguru]

I left a similar reply in PE about the wedding ...

I think this is your daughters call. Not yours. If the bride and groom don't want him there because of past behaviors ... that is their decision to make. You need only to support their decision.

My daughter got married in July and I have done some things to intentionally stay connected. My favorite thing that we do is called "cooking school".

I bought her a really pretty recipe box complete with matching little cards. A couple of times each month we get together to cook a new recipe. Sometimes she picks the recipe sometimes I do. Then we go to each others house and cook up a storm. We write the recipe on one of her cards and date it. It has been a blast.

I also make 'family dinner's once or twice a month. They come over for a nice sit down meal, and then we usually take a walk.

It is good to find ways to connect one on one and with them as a couple. You may need to take the lead for a while. Keep it light ... keep it fun.

by the way ... your daughter may not like being around difficult child if he creates drama wherever he goes. You may need to find ways to get together apart from your difficult child.

 

[KFld]

Don't put that responsibility on yourself as to whether he should go to the wedding or not because he might drink. If he drinks, he drinks. It isn't your job to try and shield him from that. If he's going to drink he's going to do it whether he goes to a wedding or to the local bar down the street. You can't stop him from doing that either.

Go and enjoy your daughters wedding. Leave everything else behind for the day and be a part of your daughters wedding whether you are as close as you used to be or not/or thought you were or not, go and feel close to her on her wedding day.

One thing you don't want to do is have any regrets about the day.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It is weird. We were such a close family I thought. I stayed home 15 years with my children only to feel like I got slapped in the face.</div></div>

I think that this comment speaks volumes. I think it explains an awful lot about why you are having such a tough time detaching from your older son.

You have a vision of what life could be like, about what you think life should be like. You are so hurt that things are not working out according to what you believe it should have. And you are taking it personally, and trying to change it. Your son has the disease of addiction, and you have GOT to understand that you cannot help him. You can't make him better, and you can't change him.

Remember, you have no control over anything in life except for yourself and your own reactions.

You can't make your son stop using drugs, but you can hurry the process along by detaching.

You can't make your daughter want to come over, but you can make the house more pleasant by removing your son from it.

Your 17 year old son is great. Is he being ignored, with all the attention that your other son is getting?

Things may never be as you want them to be. You have to accept that. You have to accept things as they are. Remember the serenity prayer. Embrace things as they are, and do what you can with them. Trying to change what is there is fighting an uphill battle. Go with the flow. You don't have to like the flow, but it is easier to go with it than to try and change it.

 

[Sunlight]

one thing I learned with ant is to remember that his life is HIS. my life, my actions, how others perceive me, is MINE.
when ant goes to a gathering, it is up to him to behave or not.

not my problem.

if your son gets out of control you can be sure other men there will toss him out. period.

stop obsessing about this. get ready yourself. get a new dress, get a new hairstyle if needed, plan a manicure. you are mother of the bride.

when your daughter has her own kids she will be with you more than you want...lol