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Another family situation that is reaffirming
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 626760" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Child,</p><p></p><p>you extrapolated the lessons you've learned. The lessons I've learned and the tools I employ through dealing with my difficult child (or rather dealing with myself and my reactions to my difficult child) have served me well in many other relationships too. Right now SO is reacting strongly to a decision made by my ex that will affect all of us...(it involves a rental property that we all use). SO is feeling extremely put out and territorial, and reacting by declaring that he will have to drop every other important thing in his life RIGHT NOW to deal with this for the next two weeks, this is incredibly disruptive (according to SO), reflects on the entire quality of his entire life, is more stress than a human can manage, and will ruin our next two weekends and probably his whole month.</p><p></p><p>Normally this would make me frantic, I would feel both blamed and responsible, anxious to try to soothe him, afraid he was mad at me, trying to get him to see it other ways, offering solutions and alternatives.</p><p></p><p>I did do a little of that this time...a few alternatives, anyway.</p><p></p><p>But I didn't take responsbility for his reaction, or for the choices or the consequences of the choices he is about to make. </p><p></p><p>Amazingly, I don't even feel particularly judgemental. I feel a little sorry for him for creating so much stress in his life--he can't even see that it is optional. But I don't have my usual round of "this is ridiculous, his reaction is absurd, , he is catastrophizing" etc. </p><p></p><p>Because I see that he is an adult, his reactions and his choices are his to make, and I can stand back with empathy and let him do what he must do.</p><p></p><p>This is a much much much better way. Better to respect him as an autonomous adult, better to not weirdly step in and take responsibility for things that aren't my doing, better to not flutter and wave and try to help. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child helped me learn that. I'm grateful for that. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 626760, member: 17269"] Child, you extrapolated the lessons you've learned. The lessons I've learned and the tools I employ through dealing with my difficult child (or rather dealing with myself and my reactions to my difficult child) have served me well in many other relationships too. Right now SO is reacting strongly to a decision made by my ex that will affect all of us...(it involves a rental property that we all use). SO is feeling extremely put out and territorial, and reacting by declaring that he will have to drop every other important thing in his life RIGHT NOW to deal with this for the next two weeks, this is incredibly disruptive (according to SO), reflects on the entire quality of his entire life, is more stress than a human can manage, and will ruin our next two weekends and probably his whole month. Normally this would make me frantic, I would feel both blamed and responsible, anxious to try to soothe him, afraid he was mad at me, trying to get him to see it other ways, offering solutions and alternatives. I did do a little of that this time...a few alternatives, anyway. But I didn't take responsbility for his reaction, or for the choices or the consequences of the choices he is about to make. Amazingly, I don't even feel particularly judgemental. I feel a little sorry for him for creating so much stress in his life--he can't even see that it is optional. But I don't have my usual round of "this is ridiculous, his reaction is absurd, , he is catastrophizing" etc. Because I see that he is an adult, his reactions and his choices are his to make, and I can stand back with empathy and let him do what he must do. This is a much much much better way. Better to respect him as an autonomous adult, better to not weirdly step in and take responsibility for things that aren't my doing, better to not flutter and wave and try to help. My difficult child helped me learn that. I'm grateful for that. Echo [/QUOTE]
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Another family situation that is reaffirming
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