Another H. update. Sigh.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jun 29, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I spent some time with my mom today, and I found out more weird stuff about H and her partner M.

    As you know, our whole family has bent over backwards to honor what we feel like H. would have wanted done with her house/car/possessions, etc.- and we have let her partner M have everything. H.'s lifelong best friend 'A'., who is also gay, has been the catalyst behind all of this, saying this is absolutely what H. would have wanted. Me, her sister/other best friend have not been so sure, and voiced that to many people, but yet I still want to honor my sister and her wishes.

    So, when H. died she had some money in a 401K that she left to 'A'. Not a lot, but a couple of thousand. 'A' told us that she would give this money to M because, like I said, she had insisted that H. would want M to receive everything, including this money.

    Well today I found out that 'A' kept this 401K money to pay for her airfare for her and M to see each other. ('A' and M live a thousand miles apart). 'A' has flown up there twice since H's death 3 1/2 months ago and they talk many times a week on the phone.

    Ummmmmm........... I am speechless, floored, sick. I want everything of H's liquidated and it put into a charity ASAP. I do not know what is going on - but something is not right.

    I told 'A' I would be up in Oregon soon, and since 'A' would be visiting M soon, maybe she and I could also connect up, she told me no. She could not see me. It would just be "too much".
    Again.........floored, speechless, sick.

    Seriously, I just don't know how accommodating of this situation and "H's wishes" I can be anymore. So many things are not lining up with her death, and what she left - I feel compelled to do something. I am trying so hard to find her voice in all of this. What I knew to be my sister, and what she would have wanted, but I feel lost.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm really sorry. Has it crossed your mind that H was distraught at the time of her death because A and M were starting to be a couple? Or am I way off base here?
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, it crossed my mind today. What if this was the reason H. really went off the deep end, literally and figuratively.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh, Steely.. HUGS! This sounds like a no-win at this point. It is such a shame that someone else couldn't have been around H before the worst happened. Ok- you could have been around her, had you, or anyone else known. It is definitely sounding like a lot was going on around her- she might not have been aware of all of it- maybe she thought she was going off the deep end just because others were playing mind games. It just sounds like a mess that had a very tragic ending.

    I'm so sorry- I wish I could offer advice, but all I can do is feel floored, too. This is when we pray that each person gets what is duly coming to them- whether it is through legal justice or not. (That isn't meant to suggest retaliation- just that "we reap what we sow" sort of thing.)
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    That (A & M becoming a couple being what had H so distraught over the betrayal) was the first thing, and really the only thing, that came to my mind.

    I am so sorry. Cry, scream, throw things if you need to. I really think something is wrong here, but I also think that you probably won't learn much from them. They will probably both refuse to see you. If things havent' been through probate court, maybe you can stop M from getting all of H's things.

    If M was her partner, why was A on her 401k? This is the other thought that occurred to me.

    I hate that you are going through this alone. Please go get a hug from difficult child if he is home, otherwise when he is home. If you close your eyes you can feel me giving you a hug. Cause I am.

    I don't know if you can change anything, regarding the will, belongings, money, etc.... But with this coming to light, I would support whatever you feel you should do. I know your family doesn't want waves, but if you feel it is right, then I support you.


  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sadly, it was my first thought.

    I guess the next question is would you have any legal standing to get your sister's things? Something tells me that no matter what happens, your parents cannot deal with the battle this would entail.

    I do know that if there is something special of your sister's that you want, I would work on getting it now. Something tells me all contact with these two will end soon.

    I am so very sorry.
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Frankly unless your sister's wishes were in a WILL....I would hesitate giving everything to her partner. It is probably too late to get things back, but how about some personal momentos? If they begrudge you those, then I would say chances are there is a hidden agenda going on are probably going to be battling this alone as it sounds like your parents may just want to "put it all behind them"......sorry you don't have more support for this.......tread carefully or you will come off looking like the vindictive, crazy sister.......thinking of you and hoping a few answers come that can give you comfort......
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yea. I mean, really why do I care about any of this? I have no power or control over any of this. Well, actually, if I went to court I would have as much legal right as my parent's to H's estate. But when she died, they quickly seized control since they have the money to pay people.

    I just talked to them, and told them what I felt strongly in my heart needed to happen, and once again they were so dismissive of me. "We will try and respect all parties involved" is what they told me. Um, OK. What the hay does that mean?

    I feel so strongly in my heart that something is wrong. I can't explain it.

    I guess it is only "things" and "money", and it should not matter. H. is what matters. But I feel M and A are being so disrespectful of her that it matters to me an inordinate amount. I mean, come on, M and H. were only together for a year. How connected can you be after a year? Certainly not a lifetime of carrying on H's legacy.

    You know, my parents and I get along OK when it does not involve any family dynamics. But the minute you put me back in the daughter role, I become this part in their minds that is unchangeable. They have seen me succeed on so many levels, and yet when I am their "daughter", I am not to be respected, listened to, or valued. I felt so sad today, to see their grief and visible pain over H., but now when I tried to talk to them, and they once again dismissed me...........geesh. No words.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    One more thing........
    I feel H's presence tonight in an almost palpable sense. I have not felt this way for at least 2 months, since right after she passed. I do not know why, or the reason. But I want to acknowledge it.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow, Steely, I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Gentle hugs~
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hang in there, Steely- you might not realize it right now but you are getting stronger. I think we can all see it in your posts and the way you jump in there on these things. no matter what- don't let someone else's wrong bring you down.

    Too many people need you!
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    KLMNO is right. You are definitely showing the strength that you have always had.

    When my brother-in-law (E) died, (wow, it will be 9 years this October...he died in a truck accident when he was 23, leaving a 1 yr old (D) and a fincee (L) behind) he had no will. He had not been working at his job long enough to get life insurance. D received Social Security from his death.

    Well, L took that money and bought a house. And moved a new boyfriend in with her. She was 22 at the time, and had not only the one year old but also a 4 year old (R) from a previous relationship. My mother-in-law saw red. She felt that L should have been putting all the social security money away for D for when he grew up instead of using it to live on. She also felt that L was dishonoring E's memory by moving on too quickly to a new guy.

    I get mother in law's point. I told her that I agreed that in a perfect world, the income from social security should have gone into a savings account for D's future. However, L was barely a kid herself, and when she was with E, she did not work. E was the provider. She stayed home with the kids. Since they were not married, L was not entitled to anything after E's death. She did not have the knowledge on how to be a working single mom. Plus she was still nursing D. So she did what she thought would benefit herself and both of her kids. As far as moving on too quickly, I gave her the benefit of the doubt because of her age.

    My mother in law became more furious with me than she was with L for trying to explain what I thought was L's point of view. I didn't even agree that I thought what she did was right; I simply gave mother in law my interpretation of what L may be going through. mother in law (who has been crazy as long as I have known her) insisted that nobody could be hurting as badly as she was over E's death, and nobody but her could know what is best for D in his future. She also went nuts when L took all of E's belongings with her during the move, with the intention of later going through them and sorting them out to give something to everyone in the family. mother in law wanted dibs on his stuff and she wanted it immediately.

    IN the end, mother in law caused so much commotion that she now no longer sees D at all. She also did not see Matt or me for 3 years after E's death. Which meant she did not see Matt's sons for 3 years; she also did not meet Tink until Tink was 2. Also, at one point right after Tink was born, I tried to give L mother in law's point of view, and she became angry with me, and now I don't get to see D either (and he is my only Godson). So now I have both L and mother in law mad at me for trying to get each of them to see the other one's point of view, and now I don't talk to either of them. That's what I get for trying to smooth everything over.

    What is my point in all this? Heck, I don't even know. All I know is that family deaths often cause friction in families, especially dysfunctional families. And you can see Matt's entire family pictured next to the word dysfunctional in any dictionary. Everyone deals with death a little differently. You have the advantage of having this safe place to come to (complete with a whole other family that loves you) that perhaps A and M don't. Again, not making excuses for their behavior, just pointing out what might be the case.

    I am so sorry for your continuing hurt over this.

    H's legacy can and will live on, no matter what happens.

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm glad you felt H with you.

    I'm PMing you.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?


    I have nothing to add, except that I agree it sounds like there was more going on than originally met the eye. Forgive me for asking, but who was H supposedly riding with when she suddenly got out of the car? It all is cery curious.

    If H is with you (and I believe strongly that his happens), let her help guide you.

    Many, many hugs.
  15. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I PM'd you again.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Steely -

    So many things could have been amiss. Maybe your parents knew about things they didn't feel like sharing with you to keep you from getting hurt?

    Hugs for your pain.
  17. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Was there ever a toxicology report done? I may have missed this, but that would provide info about the possibility of drugs in her system. Just curious and tell me to mind my own business if necessary........
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Steely...first, many hugs. A and M becoming a couple was also the first thing I thought of as the catalyst to upset H so severely. And with A not wanting to see that her guilt feelings that would be "too much"? Hopefully you will be able to get some answers. Let H's presence guide you.
  19. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry for this continuation. Well I believe in my heart that we get what we give. If they are truly taking what was H's in a bad way, and were up to something... it will come back to them.
    Maybe you will not get to see it. They know what they are doing... it WILL come back to you and them.
    You are right it is just money and material things. It still hurts to feel violated, even if it is for H. You feel she is being stepped on and violated, by people who supposedly cared about her. That is one of the worst things a person can do.
    Take some time again. My adopted father stole from me, years of social security, he did pay me back. But in the end it meant nothing. I learned to let it go. It was money from my Mom.
    He realized what he did, it took years. But he did. Life is so strange.
    You DO sound stronger...
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, my first thought was the other relationship and your sister's reaction to it.
    I also agree with-BBK that your parents may be keeping you out of the loop and causing friction because you are the "daughter" and not an equal. Not much you can do about that at this point.
    I would just get as many personal items as you can and forget about the money. It's probably too late now anyway.
    Many, many hugs, and more wishes for the strength that you are beginning to show. Your sister would be proud of you.
    Take care of yourself.