Another horrific night - ending in cops and ambulance

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Weary for Hope, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. Our son broke out into a Category 5 rage last night when I was alone with him and it was traumatizing. He threw a heavy metal chair at me, hit me, attacked me with a small guitar (thankfully i had the metal chair to block myself), broke our full length mirror, broke our bedroom window and broke our large main room window (and we had just gotten a bunch of windows fixed). As well, he destroyed my ipad screen (full of cracks). (it was my 40th birthday gift - I've never had my own computer). But I should be grateful that I came out aiive, because I know he could have killed me last night, had he thrown a piece of glass my direction. It was very frightening and I had to call the cops (stuff like this has happened before, but this one was pretty bad and I was alone- husband out of town). 4 cops came - one had to restrain him. He was trying to hit the cop and swearing at him. (and me). They had to call an ambulance and I was with him at the hospital from 8p.m to 2 a.m.

    Gratefully, even though our case was recently closed at the new clinic we were at because he refused to go back to the therapist, they referred us to an intensive in home service where we live. It is very comprehensive...they have no waiting list and our intake apt was today. (a huge answer to prayer).

    Our son started medication for the first time 1.5 months ago (Abilify) - started at 5 mg, then went to 10. And with this latest episode, even on the medications...I hope a better dose / combination can be found soon, or one of these days, one of us will end up dead (my husband or I - or our son may hurt himself). he hasn't gotten a bipolar diagnosis, because he can behave fine in school (though he is out of control at home, has no coping skills and can go from 0 to 10 in 5 seconds with no warning. But I noticed today the intake worker had 3 diagnosis which I hadn't been told about. ODD (well, that's a huge DUH), Mood disorder and one other thing (I wish I had written down).

    But the most haunting and disturbing thing about it all is that he has absolutely no feeling about what happened. He doesn't feel bad in the slightest! :( He says he doesn't care and he is mad at me that I called the cops. This no remorse business - freaks me out. Anyone have experience with this? How do you deal with this?

    How did my life end up this way? My husband and I have had 16 good years of marriage, but this last year - we are so distant... he is now depressed and has health issues and no longer seems happy to have me around. (It's with this kid has been hell on earth - it has torn us apart), but it's hard to feel like I'm losing his support and outward love).

    It must be nice to have biological children that don't try to kill you (or even that you have a good relationship with. (our son came into our home at age 3- we still hope to have the miracle of conception). I know there is always someone to give our situation perspective and it could always be worse and all of you on this board struggle, but life is just so hard, so depressing. There are many beautiful blessings, but life did NOT turn out the way I expected. :(

    Thanks for letting me get this out - not sure who else to talk to - I knew you guys would understand.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WFH, I am so, so sorry. My heart is aching for you after reading your post, I can hear your sorrow, fear and disappointment and I am sorry. I have no experience with the issues you are facing, others will be along to offer advice, I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I am hearing you and understanding your pain. I am hoping you are in some manner getting support for yourself, therapy, a group, someone to talk to, ways to receive comfort and nurturing and a place to vent and talk, get tools you can use to parent and feel connected. Perhaps you and husband can utilize counseling to regain your connection and learn ways to forge a united front. Just some thoughts in trying to support you, only you know what is best for you, but sometimes it's easy to forget we as parents need support too. Especially when you are caught up in the care of a child who needs so much attention. I am sending you HUGS and prayers that you find strength, peace, safety and joy.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I am so sorry that you had s night like that. I can hear the pain and the hurt and the frustration in your words, and I understand them and I understand how you feel. Please keep us informed as to what is going on there and make sure that you are safe. If you are alone with him you must be able to get to a phone if you need to call for help. Keep your cell phone on you, if you have to.
  4. family mum

    family mum New Member

    I came on tonight just to read because I too am just exhausted from my day. I also wonder where we are heading. Things did not get quite as intense at my house tonight as yours, but not too far behind. It is not just the one night, it is the build up, the accumulation that can destroy us. it doesn't matter if they are adopted or bio, we gave our hearts to our children and some of our difficult children just tear them right out from us. Mine is my bio child and I never fail to be stunned my the depth of his hatred towards me.

    I wish I had comforting words for you, I wish I had great advice..... I can truly empathize with you, I'm sorry that you have to experience this. All I can say is that it can be therapeutic to get out some anger/stress/ sadness by writing here. I would not let yourself be in a position alone with him again. You guys may need a family plan. Is there a good friend or uncle, grandfather anyone who can stay when your husband is not there?

    Hopefully the intensive home services will give you some strategies for keeping everyone safe and to reduce the tensions. You are a survivor! ( All of us here are)
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and I'm soooooooooooooooooo sorry!

    I am wondering if this child has attachment disorder or is on that spectrum. Those k ids are pretty uncontrollable and do not feel remorse because of their early lack of nurturing. They learn to think, "I can't trust anyone but me, so I have to take care of #1 only." And loving them is not enough to help them. I'm going to post a book that you may like to read. What were his first three years like? Chaotic? Did his birthmother drink and/or take drugs while pregnant? These are two huge factors in attachment disorders. Was he physically or sexually abused?
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Weary - gentle hugs to you. Sounds like a truly horrible evening.

    I think you and husband need to come up with a very firm safety plan, and difficult child needs to be advised of it. At the first violent act, you need to be calling 911. Period. You have a right to be safe in your own home. There is absolutely no wiggle room on this, hon.

    My son also never showed remorse. I think a big piece of the puzzle is that when he was going Mach 5 like a tornado through our home, throwing things, destroying things, assaulting me, he really just wasn't here. It was kinda scary - I could tell when he had completely lost control. Though his acts appeared intentional, I think he was autopilot raging, and he rarely remembered what he had done. Of course, there was the usual "it's *your" fault for" whatever, but.... lack of remorse is something I think is fairly common. Their thinking is that it's not their fault, if they even remember what they did.

    Having a difficult child is luck of the draw - biological or adopted, I think when we have a child who has a significant disability, we all have those moments of "how the heck did we end up here?" Heck, I still have those moments and I've been doing the mom thing for over 23 years. ;)

    I hope you get a good chance to regroup today. Another suggestion, for you and husband - respite. I totally understand the toll this kind of situation takes on a marriage. It is *vital* that you and husband get time to nurture your own relationship. As you get hooked into home services, you need to ask for respite. If you can't get it through them, I would seriously looking into hiring someone on your own.

    Again, gentle hugs to you.
  7. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I agree with slsh that you need to come up with a good safety plan - There is nothing worse then being afraid in your own home (been there done that) and you should never have to feel this way!! I also agree with her that you need respite. I can't even begin to describe the way my marriage went into a downhill spiral (would be hogging your thread) when husband and I were dealing with the worst years raising our difficult children. difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 never showed any kind of remorse either and always believed me or husband was to blame, usually me as I was the primary caretaker back then. I agree with slsh that this seems to be pretty typical thinking for difficult children.

    Just want you to know you are not alone!! I found this site to be comforting and a great source of help when going through the worst of it. Just to know others understand, this made a huge difference in my life. For the first time ever, I really felt like I belonged somewhere. Post more often, let us know how things are going. Although you never want anyone else to have to live through the HE77 you're living through, it really does help to know others have been there done that.

    Sending many caring thoughts your way... Hugs... SFR
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh gosh, I am so sorry. So much trauma. I wonder if it is time for a residential evaluation so that they can trial medications in a safe place?? If he is so good at school and for others, and so violent with you, has no remorse, I hope they have someone who understands Reactive Attachment Disorder working with you. He came to you after the age of secure bonding, development of the skills needed to trust and attach to other people happens. It depends how he was treated during that time or his perception of that anyway. (OR if he was moved from the people he was attaching to)......And of course his bio history is a clue for mental illness and/or autism. Sometimes my son seems not to have remorse but it turns out he really does not get the connections. Or other times he hides his feelings completely, doesn't want anyone to know if he is upset, sad, sorry, or even happy, excited, etc....

    You need extra eyes and help in this situation. Was he adopted through foster care?? Sorry I forgot. I hope you can get some assistance to have him in a one to two month (at least) setting so they can get medications worked out, or at least figure out if medications can even help him. It can give you a much better idea about diagnosis too.

    Will the intensive home therapy be there every time you are alone with him? I know how this feels and have to think through some of the same issues so I am not way saying these ideas are easy. We have not had that level of damage but I would never rule that out from happening at some point. So sending you huge hugs and support. I hope husband is on his way home.........(another reason to have him placed out of home right now, you two need to have time to make a plan together)
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sending gentle supportive thoughts and hugs your way. I have not been there done that so I have no personal advice. I am curious, however, to know if your son was ok up until this year. That's what I seem to be reading in your post. If so it makes me wonder if there is a possibility of abuse. Around the age of ten it does seem that children are often targets of sexual predators. DDD
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    How scary!!!

    I am surprised the hospital discharged him so quickly! Surely he fits the criteria for "danger to others" ???
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    When you left at 2a.m. HE left too???? I missed that, thought you meant you were there all that time admitting him. I sure hope he is still in the hospital.... HUGS to you, I hope you are ok.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, Weary, that's quite a rage! And to hit the cop, and then still be mad the next day ... wow. Even my difficult child has remorse.
    I'm wondering if your difficult child is still angry and that's why he has no remorse ... maybe he really hasn't fully calmed down. I'd give him another day.
    I am so glad you are getting services asap. At least something good came of this episode.
    by the way, we took all the breakables out of our son's room a long time ago--mirrors, snowglobes--and the other mirrors are high up. Somehow, we usually end up in the hallway or kitchen when he's raging.
    Many, many hugs. Be good to yourself.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    by the way, did anything set it off? The word "no"? Too many activities?
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    Adding my gentle ((((HUGS))))
  15. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    I'm so sorry, I fear the same thing will happen in our house one day if we can't get my daughter's head balanced better. The no remorse thing is so hard to deal with, the "why do you act like that", when you know that there isn't really a "why" answer. We just want them to care at least a little!