Another Lovely Morning ( sarcasim) Soon Custody Battle

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I really hope we are in the right direction now with the medications and Neurologist.. still seeking Therapy for us all. Of course daughter refuses to go or get tested. I know shes under 18 and I can drag her kicking and screaming in. Their father all sudden is paying full insurance for them and still child support- making comments of getting custody ( Im still jobless and single- as he has a job and is married with a kid in his " perfect world he says hes in". Ya he pays more attention to our kids when he with someone he's "in love" with or married like he is now.. all sudden hes father model of the year. Either she really believes him on everything that hes so loving and perfect father and its all my and the other mothers fault or she is sticking by his lies. I hope he changed for his new kids sake and ours and his other kids...( he just badly cussed out the other mother to me too over something) He says he can do a better job, countless comments that its me, the kids will be great with him full time etc... so I know hes starting to get ready for court. All sudden he is not an alcoholic, verbal/ violent abuser/ serial cheater/ and home except for work etc. and perfect dad...and doesnt have the dangerous friends around anymore.. Ok... hope its true. He will be paying half or more of support so easier for him to get custody. Even when I get settled in a job... he wont allow me to switch Insurance to under mine. My daughter says she doesn't want to go, doesn't want to see him, doesnt want gifts or even him to pay for any insurance for her but yet all I do for her is wrong :( But like I told her if Judge says she has to go with her brother they have to go. I already battled in court once... that he violated a few times ... but nothing was done over it...course he only showed once the other time he didnt... long story.

    He's in another tantrum now because my dad told him to put his coat on.... I hope the medications increase works but if their dad gets custody he wont need the medications he will be perfect as his dad says. Well he actually is in the car ( my dad is taking them up to school Im so blah) So we will see if he is in the car when my dad returns. Tantrums are the same.. maybe shorter tho.. but the threats of killing us or himself has increased...I checked if it was the medications.. still looking into it if it can be a side effect but even before pills he said it a few times ??.... anger still there.... all the same I guess basically so no need to report back here anymore. You all have heard the same issues for years now anyway.. and I am scared it ill will/is get worse with now possibly both :(

    Best wishes for all of you, and I will always be grateful for the years you have given us! I wish I could of helped someone here...Lots of hugs and cures for you all.
  2. Castle Queen

    Castle Queen Warrior in training

    Your son's troubles aren't going to go away with a change in custody. I hope if your Ex is serious about seeking custody he is committed to getting him the help he needs, should he actually get it. I would go back to the dr. that prescribed his medications and explain they aren't doing the well as the threats of killing himself or you. It sounds like they need to dig deeper and it's more than ADHD. Or perhaps another ADHD medication would be a better fit for him..but I doubt it's the whole picture.
  3. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I would let your ex see what it was like. Send your children there for an extended visit over Christmas vacation. Then you can get some respite and he can see for himself!
  4. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Castle Queen- my ex says there is nothing wrong with my kids mentally. They are this way because of me and me only. He will not get him help because he says my son will be perfect with him and my daughter will open up. I agree with you... theres something so much more with my son and I am blown away its getting worse whether the medications or just worse. Im trying to get more evaluation done and the EEG came back showing the part of the brain he did have aggression however that is said ...I looked at Conduct Disorder and he had at least half of that beyond ODD he has... also I am thinking Bipolar.....

    He took his second day of the 10 mg of Adderall xr and and OMG!!!Yesterday and so far today I cant even count the number of tantrums, threats, demands as well as in Kmart I swear the Manager was going to escort us out!!!! He DEMAND we walked a certain distance behind him, he talked nasty, he PURPOSELY ran into the displays,( all displays) clothes knocking them over, jewelry, piggy banks, running, yelling where we should of turned what we can look at or get. Demanded take the cart to car when he had a small light bag.. I do feel he is worse than his usual violent self.. from horrible to horrible he*& and I AM calling the Dr tomorrow and see what he just got this prescription too but oh well if he switched!!!! My son cant swallow big pills so adderall was chosen so we can poor it on something.

    bby31288- I know what your saying but he is the Disneyland dad, at first all they want.I mean.. if he wanted them Christmas vacation his time, of course he can have them. But he ( dad)said not yet. Plus my daughter is throwing a major fit about going and even seeing him she wants nothing to do with him. My son claims he wants to see him but not live there so I have no clue!!! My son would take a month or two to really get comfortable with his new step mom and dad... so that runs into time for school...Good idea tho!!!! But again, my ex says he wont act this way with him anyways.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your ex had the kids beyond the honeymoon period, he'd see for himself that it's not you.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Okay so I am going to be the meanie here. You and your grandfather have not been able to help your son. From what I remember with your daughter she has minimal issues that may even be some form of staying away from difficult child's drama. Your father is having serious medical issues and is not happy with your sons behavior. Your father is having difficulty dealing with your son and therefore you are getting only the support he can afford to give without hurting himself. You are overwhelmed and unable to stop any of the drama.

    While I don't believe your ex will be able to handle your son without medical help I do believe that your daughter, you, and your father might benefit from some respite. I would recommend that if unless your son will have to change schools that you agree to a trial run. Make it for a specific amount of time and set a hard re evaluation date. Let ex know that if you guys can work as a team you need support and you are willing to help support him as well. It will make the transition easier and to make sure everyone is "OK" with this.

    Have difficult child move to your ex's for the short term with the agreement that ex continue with therapy. Whether he thinks difficult child needs therapy for behavior or not you could require it because of the move and the split from his sister/you. Any child is going to think that if they are the one moved they are being thrown away. So therapy would be a reasonable request not some "wild idea" by you that your child has a mental health issue. This way you avoid the fight about difficult child having mental health issues but he still gets the support we all agree he needs.

    Your daughter needs a little respite. Convince ex to give her that time and that you think she would also be more open to spending time with him. (sounds like she avoids it now). He doesn't need full custody of the children to be a help and he can be a real part of her life on a regular basis with this plan.

    You can not handle this on your own. Your father is helping. The doctors are helping. But reality is with a child this defiant all the help you can get is needed. Unless the ex is a danger or harmful to your child then I think you should give him a shot. I would tell him that if things work well enough you are willing to consider changing the custody in order to benefit your child.

    PS that whole idea goes out the window if EX truly is a violent man or an alcoholic. Also you know the situation better than I do so please take this for what its worth and if it isn't worth anything to you feel free to discard it. I promise not to take it personally :)
  7. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    MWM. You hit the nail on the head.
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Unless of course ex is abusive. Then son might be good as gold even past the honeymoon phase. Son would fall apart in all other settings but would do anything to hold it together with ex.

    I hope you have a good lawyer.
  9. Confused

    Confused Guest

    MidwestMom- I just wish there was no problems :(

    bby31288- I know what MidwestMom is saying... its so hard on what to believe when my ex blames me.. my family history.. and I swear his :(

    dstc_99 Your not being mean, you have also been another helpful person here :) I understand what your saying and I do need more help..School District subbing is just not full time but I am still planning on getting help in the mornings for him( ill be here to). Weekends as well. My friend would help me but I leaned on her too much. I know what your saying about sending him with dad but I still am uneasy for more then the time period allowed. Plus- dad lives in another state. My daughter still would not be 100% happy with him.. the relief of her brother gone in a way yes, make her a little happy but she knows how her dad is and has seen and heard a lot over the years and I feel thats why my daughter is that way about him as well. Plus my ex already said.. once he gets one child of ours.. he will go for both no matter what and make me pay child support for a change. I am not scared of paying support, I just want my babies with me! My kids older half brothers esp the oldest ( fathers kids)wants nothing to do with their dad at this point either. The other mother and I encourage them to but they know their dad isnt a full time dad even when in the same state. We do not talk bad about him either. I always try to praise their dad how smart he is when he was in school,how good he is at his job, other compliments. Because my kids should not know everything or anything that happened. My daughter even made comments" oh .. daddy was drinking... again" or when he knocks down a race she really is fed up. So much more :(
    I did take father to court before for change in visition( hardly showed- always stood them up etc.. cut time short to party)/alcohol (while kids there and drinking in car)/ women/men (many different all hours of day and night plus several were violent/drug users) talking bad about me in front of kids.. and so on. He was this way since I knew him and before( over 20 years) has been arrested for the above issues .. incl domestic violence against his exes. ....All sudden he stopped drinking etc and is a perfect dad at least to his new child. He says by paying all health insc hes a perfect dad too. On his side according to a family member of his and one of mine, his dad and brother are the same. I pray my ex did change.. I hope and want him to have changed for our kids and all his others kids.
    Liahona- He never hit the kids just women and some fights with men. So I thank God for that.. he says theres no issues like that now.. of course he denies he hit the exes and he was only self defense if he did... But he does believe in using a belt and did get ready to hit my son with it once ( I stopped him before he could) for my sons defiance to his dad! My son doesn't totally remember that but my daughter does. I do have a lawyer from last time...
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like with all the changes the kids would have to make it is not a good idea for the kids to be with him short term. Also with his history I would think he would have a difficult time getting them. Plus with his history I would be fighting it tooth and nail!
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, you badly need respite and ex sounds like he is unreliable and then abusive to you which only makes you feel worse. Have you checked social services to see if they will maybe provide you with some respite? I'm not that "up" on respite, by the way. If anyone else has another resource for respite other than social services, do chime in! I don't even know what you have to do or say to get social services to help out...
  12. Confused

    Confused Guest

    dstc_99- I have been fighting him tooth and nail! The first mother took him to court before I did,( almost the same changes for visitation, no drinking, no name calling etc) and I swore I wouldnt do that but I had to. Some Lawyers just thought we were jealous... please... really? So anyways, he leaves his oldest two alone for years, but ours together - off and on sees them or tells me to tell them he misses them and loves them. And of course the times he shows up unannounced! I know how he is so I try to keep peace. I am praying so hard that he did change...

    MidwestMom- Im ok. I have a lot to deal with but thats why I come here, you all have blessed me beyond words. You all gave me help before my sons own doctors. You all do give me my respite. I know I go on and on about the same things over and over- Im sorry :( I dont need social services all is ok, just need to find a balance and I still am going to get a "babysitter" of sorts to help me in the mornings and weekends. Well, he's going to be 8 soon so he can actually volunteer with us so weekends I think will be solved.. he will be busy busy!!!! Summers= summer school/camps/ volunteer/ sports!!!! Stores.. no way will I take him again... I will just do it while they are in school or ask my friend to go with us ( she's the one I always called to help with his tantrums) or drop him off with her!!!!

    I am still going back to school hopefully January for the other degree ( psychology)and I/we are still going to go to counseling. (My son said he wont go but he /we all are going). He said he knew he was angry at the store and he knows hes different than other kids... He wouldnt answer me when I asked him if he can control his temper or not or how it makes him feel when he rages and after. I dont think he feels bad about them either... I just wish my kids were relaxed / better ya know?
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, you hang in there. And of course we are always here for you.