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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653172" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It is good to take responsibility for things we can change. The trouble spot is in trying to figure out that thin line between taking appropriate responsibility and blaming ourselves for things we did not do and could not have changed.</p><p></p><p>That was a biggie for me, too.</p><p></p><p>Way big.</p><p></p><p>Especially given the father's history and profession (or lack thereof :O), I think the incidents in which you are blaming yourself for having been too lenient were actually the side-effects of your child's escalating drug use. </p><p></p><p>It is important for you to make that distinction, Sherri.</p><p></p><p>Drug use changes our kids. If we are going to help them, we need to name the problem correctly. We need to stop blaming and punishing and pivoting on the issue of how we might have done better as parents. If we had not been sterling parents, we would never have found this site, or posted to it. (Which takes a certain amount of courage.) </p><p></p><p>Marijuana and a concealed weapon are not things that happen as a result of lenient parenting. </p><p></p><p>I did that too, Sherri. Take responsibility for everything that went wrong, I mean. And for a time, seeing myself that way destroyed me. I did not know what I had done, but I kept trying to find and address it. I was caught in a vicious circle of self accusation, spiraling down and down with every unbelievably bad thing that happened next with my kids. </p><p></p><p>It did not help my kids, for me to do that. </p><p></p><p> I don't know so much about levels of addiction, but I do know that drug use changes our kids. Their morals are affected, their behaviors and standards of dress and cleanliness and self respect plummet. If our kids were responding to the things we taught them as children, they would be spiffy nerds attending the best schools we could afford and coming home on weekends to see us.</p><p></p><p>Please learn to view yourself with amazement for your strength, Sherri. None of this is easy. Our hearts break, our children are lost, our lives are in shambles and still, we continue to meet every day with integrity.</p><p></p><p>That is who you are.</p><p></p><p>A loving parent and an excellent role model.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>As you read with us, you will find that our children have been brought up in every way possible. Some of us are divorced, some married two or three times, some married only once or never at all. Some of us worked, some were moms at home. Some families were strictly religious, some agnostic, some atheist. Some have cash and education and some of us do not. The one thing we all have in common is that our kids, raised in all these different ways, are self destructing.</p><p></p><p>Though mental illness may be in the picture somewhere, the biggest similarity in these self destructive children raised so differently is drug use.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong, Sherri. You were a wonderful mother. I can read it in the tone of your posts.</p><p></p><p>Your son made poor choices alright, but he made them on his own.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I think the father is punishing you now because he can. </p><p></p><p>The children have nothing to do with it. </p><p></p><p>Abusers abuse because they abuse. That is who they are. They do not change.</p><p></p><p>But you are here with us, now.</p><p></p><p>We have been where you are.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653172, member: 17461"] It is good to take responsibility for things we can change. The trouble spot is in trying to figure out that thin line between taking appropriate responsibility and blaming ourselves for things we did not do and could not have changed. That was a biggie for me, too. Way big. Especially given the father's history and profession (or lack thereof :O), I think the incidents in which you are blaming yourself for having been too lenient were actually the side-effects of your child's escalating drug use. It is important for you to make that distinction, Sherri. Drug use changes our kids. If we are going to help them, we need to name the problem correctly. We need to stop blaming and punishing and pivoting on the issue of how we might have done better as parents. If we had not been sterling parents, we would never have found this site, or posted to it. (Which takes a certain amount of courage.) Marijuana and a concealed weapon are not things that happen as a result of lenient parenting. I did that too, Sherri. Take responsibility for everything that went wrong, I mean. And for a time, seeing myself that way destroyed me. I did not know what I had done, but I kept trying to find and address it. I was caught in a vicious circle of self accusation, spiraling down and down with every unbelievably bad thing that happened next with my kids. It did not help my kids, for me to do that. I don't know so much about levels of addiction, but I do know that drug use changes our kids. Their morals are affected, their behaviors and standards of dress and cleanliness and self respect plummet. If our kids were responding to the things we taught them as children, they would be spiffy nerds attending the best schools we could afford and coming home on weekends to see us. Please learn to view yourself with amazement for your strength, Sherri. None of this is easy. Our hearts break, our children are lost, our lives are in shambles and still, we continue to meet every day with integrity. That is who you are. A loving parent and an excellent role model. *** As you read with us, you will find that our children have been brought up in every way possible. Some of us are divorced, some married two or three times, some married only once or never at all. Some of us worked, some were moms at home. Some families were strictly religious, some agnostic, some atheist. Some have cash and education and some of us do not. The one thing we all have in common is that our kids, raised in all these different ways, are self destructing. Though mental illness may be in the picture somewhere, the biggest similarity in these self destructive children raised so differently is drug use. You did nothing wrong, Sherri. You were a wonderful mother. I can read it in the tone of your posts. Your son made poor choices alright, but he made them on his own. *** I think the father is punishing you now because he can. The children have nothing to do with it. Abusers abuse because they abuse. That is who they are. They do not change. But you are here with us, now. We have been where you are. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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