Another piece of the puzzle

[tiredmommy]

So I found out another reason why Duckie was so difficult last weekend. I already knew she was overtired from a sleep over on Friday night and her peak flow numbers were a little down on Saturday night. Couple that with a demanding morning and we have a recipe for a meltdown/rage.

But there's more. There were a few incidents at the party. Her frenemy "A" was also a guest. "A" got upset several times, saying the other girls were being mean to her. She kept tattling to her mother, who would jump in and rescue "A". Some examples of the issues included getting upset when the other girls asked "A" to play but it wasn't the game she wanted and having to knock on the bedroom door to be let in when the girls were upstairs. The mom feels they were excluding her... and I'm sure they were by the end of the party because they were tired of "A" and her nonsense by that point. It turns out the other mom told the girls (including Duckie) that they were mean and bullies to treat "A" so badly.

I'm livid.

It's "kids being kids" if her daughter gets a group of kids to taunt Duckie with "We hate you..." but it's bullying if her daughter doesn't get to choose what game the group plays. Duckie told me that she was hurt that the mom thought she was being a bully when "A" was just stirring up trouble. And you guys know me... I'm very cautious to ensure that Duckie is not able to get away with being mean. But... she is allowed to have an opinion and allowed to choose what she would like to do as long as she's she not being mean or disrespectful about it. I truly believe that "A" was purposefully trying to cause trouble because she wants one girl in the group to be her friend only.

I truly think our friendship is over.

 

[susiestar]

So A's mom was at the party? Why does A need to have her mommy at parties at her age? in my opinion that is a sign of a problem. The ONLY reason I would stay at a party where my 9yo was a guest was at homeschool group parties where adults were also invited, if the party was too far away for me to drive home AND there was no library or shopping center nearby, OR if MY child was a likely problem.

It sure seems like A may have problems where ever she goes to be with friends, if mommy has to stay there. Esp if Mommy has to jump in to "rescue" A several times in the course of a few hours. That would tell me that MY kid shouldn't hang out with those kids, if they treated my kid that badly. Maybe you should point that out to A's mommy. Just be SURE that you don't want to continue the friendship, LOL.

Do you really want to be friends with a mom who cannot see that her child is a troublemaker? Although A wanting to be one child's only friend sure seems like a sign that A has some sort of obsessional problem, maybe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), maybe something else. I wonder if A's mom just doesn't know how to find help or to talk about the help her child needs. Again, if you say this be ready for A's mom to stop being friendly. A's mom may even treat you like a"frenemy" and say bad things to other moms about you and Duckie. Which would make me mad on your behalf.

I am sorry that Duckie was upset. And that this contributed to such a rough weekend. Neither you nor Duckie deserve this kind of treatment. If you know the other mom you might mention how A treats Duckie so badly and her mom seems to encourage her. I wonder what other kids say to their moms about how A behaves?

 

[Marguerite]

This sort of crud happens in every kid's life. But when your child is a difficult child it is very easy to blame your child's illness for the problem, when sometimes your difficult child IS being appropriate after all.

I remember a kid like this when I was in Kindergarten and Grade 1. This girl would lie to get attention, make up the most atrocious stories which we could see through, and manipulate. And if we said, "That's not true," her mother would give us a hard time. We very quickly learned to listen to this girl but not believe her. We stopped calling her on it, it was more a "yeah, whatever," and we would change the subject rather than engage. I can still remember her name... I never saw her or heard of her after I left the school at the end of Grade 2.

Tell Duckie that kids like this are always going to be around and later in life she will also meet them. What she learns now in how to handle them will teach her how to cope when she is an adult (and kids like A won't have their mummies to protect them!).

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I too don't understand why A had her mother with her at a sleepover?? Or perhaps it was the girl's mom throwing the party who are referring to told the girls they were being mean. If that's the case, perhaps she doesn't know anything about A and just believed what the little girl told her. Are you no longer friends with A's mother or the mother of the girl who had the party?

Regardless, this stuff is going to happen and it's only the beginning - wait until she gets into middle school! You've taught your daughter how to treat others so you've got half the battle done. The other half is teaching her that, if something feels right inside, don't let others tell you otherwise. The opposite is also important to learn - if something feels wrong inside, don't do it, talk to an adult first. Those are two things I told my children from a young age. You have to make sure that they are independent thinkers and have confidence in themselves.

Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

Well, in all fairness, I was there too. BUT it's because I offered to stay to help the hostess (and catch up with her). She had a total of 18 kids there: 7 that were grades 3 &4, 10 that were grade 6 and her 4 year old daughter. The difference is that I don't hover (I keep an ear out but only would get involved if someone was getting hurt or really out of line: like stop jumping off the top bunk bed or be careful you don't knock the pre-schooler down as you run down the stairs). I helped corral kids when food was ready, hid Easter eggs for a hunt, monitored edd coloring, and helped to hand out prizes. But I certainly didn't micro-manage my child or the other kids. I also enjoyed having the time to catch up with the mom as we hadn't had a chance to talk in a few months.

The mom that hosted has three girls: the 4 year old (L), an 8 year old (J) and an 11 year old (G). Duckie is good friends with the 8 year old and two of her other good friends (twins) are even closer as they're moms have been close for years. "A" wants the 8 year old all to herself (this has been going on since kindergarten). "A", I think, is exceptionally jealous of one of the twins' friendship.

I've decided that I'm done with the entire situation. I'm telling Duckie that she's not to go out of her way to exclude "A" but I won't be crying if she's not invited to something either. And I'll be telling her mother to deal with her own child's issues and I'll take care of Duckie from now on.