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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674754" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This touched a bereft chord in me Serenity, because it is true, it is very psychologically damaging to be shunned, or <em>outcast</em>. I agree with Cedar that there are varying degrees of shunning. It is used as punishment.</p><p></p><p></p><p> At first, I was a bit taken aback by these comments. I suppose it is because I have <em>no contact</em> with my two.</p><p>It is and<em> isn't</em> a choice.</p><p>My two know my phone number, <em>choose not to call</em>. </p><p>I do not actively seek out their company, either. </p><p>I suppose I could go looking for Rain, at the park she is known to frequent. </p><p>Do I ask her out to lunch? </p><p>There is this feeling of emptiness and hurt and just utmost frustration. </p><p>There is a huge gap in life choices and lifestyle. </p><p>My two are actively using and<em> I have seen other people write this and feel it myself</em>, <strong>I would not choose them as acquaintances. </strong>They are dangerous and damaging, to themselves and us.</p><p><strong>No contact.</strong></p><p>Rain has been popping up here, now and then. She is on the streets. When she comes over, it is very hard. She is either not high= depressed and almost non-responsive, or HIGH-bubbly, chattering about this and that, and somewhat lurking, the feeling I get is she is looking to take things. When she is around, stuff goes missing. So, I do not actively seek out her companionship, right now.</p><p>No contact.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>I do not ban her from the house, although, I have to tell you SWOT, it makes me nervous when she is around. I do not know her<em> intentions. </em>We have been at this for so long, and I have made comments here on CD, that it is actually easier <em>not seeing her</em>, than seeing her. I suppose, no contact, is a way to <em>self protect</em>, too. When one has been dealing with D cs in the throes of addiction and all of its terrible behaviors, lies, manipulation, theft, I can understand, <em>not picking up the call</em>. Not wanting to hear the absolute BS, on the other end. Not wanting to deal with the feelings of utter despair, after speaking with these addicts who happen to be our children.</p><p> It is devastatingly cruel. </p><p><em>To have contact.</em></p><p></p><p>When one is treated as a rug, what is one to do?</p><p></p><p>Tornado left 3 1/2 , months ago in a whirl of spitting, ugly, screaming, epithets of derision, designed to cut me to pieces, all in front of my quivering grands, she then called them out of my house, and they left, slowly, one by one, then the eldest, who had been living with us for a year and a half going to school here, whispered so sweetly in my ear</p><p>"Tutu, I do not want to go, but I have to watch my brother and sister."</p><p></p><p>So began the shunning. As so many times before. Withhold the grands, until the next disaster. </p><p>It is horrible.</p><p> At some point in time, the feeling becomes mutual. </p><p>Not for my grands, </p><p>but for my daughter, </p><p>so be it, as Wakeupcall mentions.</p><p></p><p>It comes to the point where the games that have been played drive this wall up.</p><p></p><p>I have not heard from them since. Well, Volcano showed up at the house a couple of weeks ago, so at least I got to hug my grands.</p><p></p><p>It is hurtful, to the core.</p><p>I am torn Serenity, when I read things like this.</p><p><em>No contact.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Shunning.</em></p><p></p><p>Then I thought, "Well, does that mean then, that I have to be the bigger person, and go seek out my Tornado?" I do not know Serenity.</p><p>Am I the shunner, or the shunnee? I am a little bit of both, I think.</p><p></p><p>I could contact them, actively seek them out, but I am not. Even as I am writing this my stomach is churning.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I do not know if it is a fad or not. </p><p>Yes, it is hurtful. To both sides.</p><p>But, if a person you love, does not see you as a person anymore,</p><p> only as a ticket, </p><p>an opportunity, </p><p>a victim, what is one to do?</p><p>If these people</p><p>D cs are using our love and affection to continue to abuse and manipulate, what is left to do?</p><p>Do we become like the dog, low in the pack, tail between legs, whimpering and urinating, throwing ourselves on our backs, begging for right treatment?</p><p></p><p>What would your suggestion be, Serenity, for those of us who are faced with our d cs, addicted, conniving, hurtful?</p><p></p><p>I do not know what else to do.......</p><p></p><p><em>Please help me understand</em></p><p></p><p>Thank you for your thoughts</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674754, member: 19522"] This touched a bereft chord in me Serenity, because it is true, it is very psychologically damaging to be shunned, or [I]outcast[/I]. I agree with Cedar that there are varying degrees of shunning. It is used as punishment. At first, I was a bit taken aback by these comments. I suppose it is because I have [I]no contact[/I] with my two. It is and[I] isn't[/I] a choice. My two know my phone number, [I]choose not to call[/I]. I do not actively seek out their company, either. I suppose I could go looking for Rain, at the park she is known to frequent. Do I ask her out to lunch? There is this feeling of emptiness and hurt and just utmost frustration. There is a huge gap in life choices and lifestyle. My two are actively using and[I] I have seen other people write this and feel it myself[/I], [B]I would not choose them as acquaintances. [/B]They are dangerous and damaging, to themselves and us. [B]No contact.[/B] Rain has been popping up here, now and then. She is on the streets. When she comes over, it is very hard. She is either not high= depressed and almost non-responsive, or HIGH-bubbly, chattering about this and that, and somewhat lurking, the feeling I get is she is looking to take things. When she is around, stuff goes missing. So, I do not actively seek out her companionship, right now. No contact. Huh. I do not ban her from the house, although, I have to tell you SWOT, it makes me nervous when she is around. I do not know her[I] intentions. [/I]We have been at this for so long, and I have made comments here on CD, that it is actually easier [I]not seeing her[/I], than seeing her. I suppose, no contact, is a way to [I]self protect[/I], too. When one has been dealing with D cs in the throes of addiction and all of its terrible behaviors, lies, manipulation, theft, I can understand, [I]not picking up the call[/I]. Not wanting to hear the absolute BS, on the other end. Not wanting to deal with the feelings of utter despair, after speaking with these addicts who happen to be our children. It is devastatingly cruel. [I]To have contact.[/I] When one is treated as a rug, what is one to do? Tornado left 3 1/2 , months ago in a whirl of spitting, ugly, screaming, epithets of derision, designed to cut me to pieces, all in front of my quivering grands, she then called them out of my house, and they left, slowly, one by one, then the eldest, who had been living with us for a year and a half going to school here, whispered so sweetly in my ear "Tutu, I do not want to go, but I have to watch my brother and sister." So began the shunning. As so many times before. Withhold the grands, until the next disaster. It is horrible. At some point in time, the feeling becomes mutual. Not for my grands, but for my daughter, so be it, as Wakeupcall mentions. It comes to the point where the games that have been played drive this wall up. I have not heard from them since. Well, Volcano showed up at the house a couple of weeks ago, so at least I got to hug my grands. It is hurtful, to the core. I am torn Serenity, when I read things like this. [I]No contact. Shunning.[/I] Then I thought, "Well, does that mean then, that I have to be the bigger person, and go seek out my Tornado?" I do not know Serenity. Am I the shunner, or the shunnee? I am a little bit of both, I think. I could contact them, actively seek them out, but I am not. Even as I am writing this my stomach is churning. I do not know if it is a fad or not. Yes, it is hurtful. To both sides. But, if a person you love, does not see you as a person anymore, only as a ticket, an opportunity, a victim, what is one to do? If these people D cs are using our love and affection to continue to abuse and manipulate, what is left to do? Do we become like the dog, low in the pack, tail between legs, whimpering and urinating, throwing ourselves on our backs, begging for right treatment? What would your suggestion be, Serenity, for those of us who are faced with our d cs, addicted, conniving, hurtful? I do not know what else to do....... [I]Please help me understand[/I] Thank you for your thoughts leafy [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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