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Family of Origin
Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 674760" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>We adopted an adorable boy from an asian country at age six. He was lots of fun, brilliant, but very distant. I think if he had married somebody who was friendly to us, it could have gone another way, but he married a Chinese lady (because he wanted to experience his culture...remember, he came to us at SIX YEARS OLD...already with his basic personality developed) and she, for a better word, shunned all of us. And he was enthralled with her. People with attaschment problems, as most older adoptees have, either attach too much or not enough, but without extreme help it can be a lifelong problem.</p><p></p><p>So he left us all except for my ex and he doesn't see ex very often. We think he sees ex sometimes only because he is a Christian and my son and his wife are fanatical Christians (and I mean to the point that they don't believe anyone living together is not going to hell...they claim virgins at marriage and knowing them I believe them). So he left us all and we grieved and have not seen him for ten years except for one time when I used his church to try to reconnect.</p><p></p><p>He was so hateful during that meeting, I saw very clearly that this would never work and that was closure for me. We all moved on and, even though this probably sounds terrible, I do not feel as if he is really my son anymore. I do not know or miss his two children or think of them really as grandchildren and his wife...I t think she had a big part in it. We never met his kids so it's hard to miss what we never met and I have other grands that I know and am able to love...allowed to love.</p><p></p><p>So his wife didn't like him being with us. Although why I don't know. She didn't know us. This young man is more like he was a foster child who came to us at six and stayed in touch until he married. It hurt, but we built our lives around our family members who loved us and would let us love them back, and I am content. Strangely, I feel it would be harder if he came and went. He went and came back briefly during my accident and resolution took place firmly then. I am at peace. I wil never try to force anyone to love me, not even a child. I get why a six year old would not bond to his family...most older kids adopted from his country are doing very poorly. At least, he is doing well financially and in his family of choice. I am glad for him. But I did have to grieve and let go and after ten years that is long over. I feel no anger toward him.</p><p></p><p>Still...I know what it's like to lose a child. I felt he was my child, but he felt otherwise. I accept that.</p><p></p><p>I don't consider his disappearance to mean shunning. He simply did not feel like we were his parents and siblings. My other adopted kids DO feel like we are, but they came as babies. Big difference.</p><p></p><p>But I went through it once and know your hurt and know it is worse because your girls, Leafie, they come back to remind you. I am so very sorry. Hug those who can love you close to you. They are gold. they are worth everything.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 674760, member: 1550"] We adopted an adorable boy from an asian country at age six. He was lots of fun, brilliant, but very distant. I think if he had married somebody who was friendly to us, it could have gone another way, but he married a Chinese lady (because he wanted to experience his culture...remember, he came to us at SIX YEARS OLD...already with his basic personality developed) and she, for a better word, shunned all of us. And he was enthralled with her. People with attaschment problems, as most older adoptees have, either attach too much or not enough, but without extreme help it can be a lifelong problem. So he left us all except for my ex and he doesn't see ex very often. We think he sees ex sometimes only because he is a Christian and my son and his wife are fanatical Christians (and I mean to the point that they don't believe anyone living together is not going to hell...they claim virgins at marriage and knowing them I believe them). So he left us all and we grieved and have not seen him for ten years except for one time when I used his church to try to reconnect. He was so hateful during that meeting, I saw very clearly that this would never work and that was closure for me. We all moved on and, even though this probably sounds terrible, I do not feel as if he is really my son anymore. I do not know or miss his two children or think of them really as grandchildren and his wife...I t think she had a big part in it. We never met his kids so it's hard to miss what we never met and I have other grands that I know and am able to love...allowed to love. So his wife didn't like him being with us. Although why I don't know. She didn't know us. This young man is more like he was a foster child who came to us at six and stayed in touch until he married. It hurt, but we built our lives around our family members who loved us and would let us love them back, and I am content. Strangely, I feel it would be harder if he came and went. He went and came back briefly during my accident and resolution took place firmly then. I am at peace. I wil never try to force anyone to love me, not even a child. I get why a six year old would not bond to his family...most older kids adopted from his country are doing very poorly. At least, he is doing well financially and in his family of choice. I am glad for him. But I did have to grieve and let go and after ten years that is long over. I feel no anger toward him. Still...I know what it's like to lose a child. I felt he was my child, but he felt otherwise. I accept that. I don't consider his disappearance to mean shunning. He simply did not feel like we were his parents and siblings. My other adopted kids DO feel like we are, but they came as babies. Big difference. But I went through it once and know your hurt and know it is worse because your girls, Leafie, they come back to remind you. I am so very sorry. Hug those who can love you close to you. They are gold. they are worth everything. [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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