Another police visit

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Aug 18, 2009.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The police came to our home again yesterday...long gory story that I don't even have the energy to get into, but at one point the lieutenant who arrived after two patrol offciers, asked difficult child if she was seeing a psychiatrist. difficult child reponds that yes she has been seeing one since whe was seven years old. The lieutenant asked her if it's helping and she said "I guess.". Now this officer has been to our house before and remembered our story so that's why he asked her that question, but it was all I could do to not say "apparently not" in response.

    They asked what we wanted to do, did we want her removed and we told them we wanted to limp through the next ten days and get her to college. They wished us good luck, told difficult child that from where they stood she had it darned good and someday perhaps she would appreciate what we did for her. Ha!

    I have two new holes in the family room wall, huge holes where she threw the cordless phone, just missing our new hdtv by about an inch.

  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, Nancy . . . I'm so sorry. She is bound and determined to self-sabatoge, isn't she? I wish I could understand what goes on in their heads.

    Luckily, you only have to hold on for just a few more days. I think this clearly shows, though, that coming back home if and when she flunks out/gets kicked out of college should not even be an option. I read one of your posts recently about only letting her come back only if she agreed to iron-clad rules and I wanted to shout . . . NO!!!! Speaking from personal experience, a difficult child will agree to anything when they think they have no alternative but will not stick to any agreement. My advice would be college to an apartment paid for by you and husband for a set amount of time. After that, she will need to be self-supporting.

    Sending a big hug from one that has been there done that.

    Last edited: Aug 18, 2009
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh geez. My heart just sunk when I read the title.

    Limping along with you. 10 more days.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Oh Nancy, I'm sorry. I've been following but haven't really known what to say. Guess I'm holding my breath with you, hoping she gets to college and does something with it.

    Self-sabotage crossed my mind with- this latest incident. Yuck.

    Do you have a plan B if college doesn't work out?

    Many gentle hugs and lots of spackle coming your way. ;)
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. Here is some extra rhino skin to patch up your armor so it will hold for the next 10 days.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I was thinking the same thing as Kathy...that her anxiety and dread of leaving her boyfriend will sabotage the next ten days. I want to slap her silly. I'm so sorry, Nancy.

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Can you slip her a little xanax in her coffee for the next few days until she's gone? Just kidding, but only just.

    I imagine she is acting out because she is worried about what her life holds for her. I'm sorry that she hasn't found better ways to deal with these issues in the last 10 years of therapy... :(

    Fingers crossed for you that you will all make it through the next 10 days safe and sound. I remember those days, and they're not fun at all.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are right Kathy, that's exactly what we will do.

  9. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Ugh! I'm sorry. Sending you strengthing (((hugs)))

    I'm also concerned if there is a plan B?
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so very sorry...this has got to be nightmarish.

    Ya know, it is fairly typical for kids to be somewhat conflicted, act out a little, get into little spats with parents, etc. right before leaving for college.
    It helps them to individuate (or some such thing).

    difficult children aren't known for doing things "little."

    If basic psychological understanding is that one wants to avoid pain and achieve pleasure...what is going on here?

    Hmmm...Going to college might be causing her anxiety. Perhaps she is afraid to leave her boyfriend or is afraid she isn't cut out to be a college student. Perhaps she is worried that going to college will make her unhappy or even less happy than she is currently. Perhaps she has abanonment type concerns.

    If college fears are in her mind "catastrophic," and causing her extreme anxiety, fear or anger, she will feel an inability to cope...and the next thing will be an effort to find a solution or salve for these uncomfortable feelings. A difficult child solution.

    The "real" truth is that anxiety is a part of life and that we learn as we mature ways to push through difficult moments in time. We don't need to be happy and secure each and every moment.

    I don't know how in the world you might help her understand this. I don't know if you can think of something healthy that brings calm to her soul...but now might be a good time to try. I am concerned that she might escalate this to an irreversible place in the coming days. Don't panic over this...just be prepared as best as you are able.

    How you and husband have survived this turmoil for so long is amazing. You need a reprieve. That is an understatement. Enough is enough.

    Please make sure she knows about the psychological services on her campus, in case she needs to make use of them.

    If she falters at school and needs to work, so be it. At least she will be in a college community and college courses would be readily available for her to take at any time.

    In the mean time, you and husband will be able to get some peace with-i your home.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Maybe a road trip with just you and her. No cell phone. Just her and you. Maybe husband is he wants to go.
    Go anywhere. A day here, there and everywhere. Keep her away from the draw of bad influences. Put child proof locks on the doors so she can't jump out. Maybe she will sleep for 8 or 9 days if she is bored enough. Stop at a beach one day, a park another. Anything to keep her away from phones, malls and trouble.
    Start going south or east. Stop at one of our houses every night. So she can't figure out a way to escape.

    This nightmare seems to never end for you. Hugs.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know...a road trip could be good. It could give you time to just talk. About whatever you start to talk about. There are some really pretty little mountain towns in eastern VA and eastern NC with very little cell You can get high speed internet at night at the motels though! I say a road trip up the Blue Ridge parkway would be good. She isnt likely to run away in the middle of the mountains. Too far away and who is going to come to her aid, Smokey the Bear?
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I kinda like the road trip idea, but I think Nancy better take some of the PE moms with her in that car!

    Personally, I would never have the let's just say "intestinal fortitude" to be in that car alone with-o my husband or several of my girlfriends.

    Perhaps a trip to some fun spot or touristy spot would be good. Take everyone's mind off of the issues at hand....and difficult child away from her "pals." It would be good to de-escalate the drama...blaming...ill will....ugliness. Anything positive/fun and away from negative influences and possibly thoughts that are causing her stress might be a very good thing.

    UGH! :(
    Lasted edited by : Aug 18, 2009
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow a road trip with just her and I, now that could be a Primetime Crime special. I can just see her pushing me off the Blue Ridge Mountains, especially since she told me Monday that our family would be better off if I was dead and if she had a gun she would shoot me in the face right then. Or perhaps she would open the car door as we were going 70 mph and jump out or just leave at a rest stop and call the boyfriend to pick her up or better yet get a ride from a trucker.

    Sounds like a good idea bt there is no way I would ever be alone with difficult child in a car for any kind of road trip. She has some very serious anger issues and I am not equipped to deal with them.

    Just found a receipt for a pregnancy test that she bought Sunday.

  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, this is not good. I'm glad you called the police. I think it's time for you to visit beautiful Pennsylvania for a few days. The peace and quiet and WINE and conversation would be good for you. I've got your bed made and towels in the bath. Let me know what time you'll be here.

  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Nancy, This is so not good. I am very sorry and feel that she won't last even a week at school if she doesn't get it together. I remember that wait and how my difficult child was esculating just before he was to go to his first program. I shudder because there is so much simularity here. Please protect yourself. If she is making threats you are at risk.

    I agree with Suz a few days away might be just what you need. Is there any way you can swing that? -RM
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry Nancy. I was thinking of just keeping her away from all her normal haunts and thugs she hangs out with for a few more days.
    Guess you may have to consider a back up plan if she is pregnant.
    Maybe college is not for her. All the obnoxious behavior and now this sounds like she is really afraid to be on her own in college.
    Who is she going to blame when it's not you for her misery? Who is she going to blame when she fails and you had nothing to do with it?
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    A few, somewhat disjointed, quick thoughts.
    When she speaks to you like that, as best as you are able, don't let it "get" to you. Perhaps tell her that you know that she knows that such words are immoral and that you feel that deep down she doesn't mean them and are only saying them because she is hurting at the time. Perhaps add that you hope she will feel free to stop saying them and in the future will offer an apology.

    If things are getting violent...if you feel physically threatened, don't hesitate to call the police.

    Someone very wise once told me..."keep your eye on the prize." What is the prize?

    You would like her to live somewhere else.

    Okay, is college really the prize? That would be nice...but it is not the ultimate prize.

    So, if she is pregant, or has legal trouble or whatever a difficult child can come up be it.

    Hope that she gets to that college...but in the back of your might be thinking of creative ways to simply find a place for her...perhaps in the next town...or near a community college a few towns over (whatever...I'm just throwing things out there)...ANYTHING as long as it is out of your home, which I believe is your ultimate objective.

    in my humble opinion, whether its the college she chose or something else (due to difficult child behavior), I would have her out in the next week or two.

    I'm very sorry...please get support, if you are not doing so already! (hugs)
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Owwww....My not so sweet niece is really trying to up the ante isnt she? Pregnancy test? Threats of violence towards my board sis? Oh no...she did not go there!

    You just better tell her that it isnt the cops she needs to worry about but that there is a very large woman in North Carolina who has been there done that with everything she thinks she is so smart about doing and if she doesnt get her act together and stop her dumba@@ bs...this woman is fixing to come up there and set her straight!

  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ROFL Janet and I bet you would too.

    We have no illusions about college, it is a warehouse for the time being.