Another prime example

[Shari]

of the stuff in my world...

I don't know if I even posted about this...I thought so, but I don't see it, so maybe not.

Anyway, about 3 weeks, ago, cgfg's mom emailed me about the summer. She didn't ask, she just told us that she was keeping cgfg for Memorial weekend (which is husband's holiday with her this year) and then we would be flip-flopping every weekend for the rest of the year.

We have plans on Sunday of Memorial Weekend that cgfg wants to be a part of, but she wasn't sure what her mom's plans were. husband and I told her to go with whomever she wanted. If her mom was doing something she wanted to do, she could go with her mom. Or, if it wasn't far away, she could go with her mom and I'd pick her up for Sunday. Basically, whatever she wanted to do kinda thing. Other than that, we've made some plans around cgfg's weekends here already. Concert tickets for the kids to see Taylor Swift one weekend, planned a group trail ride and campout one weekend, stuff like that. But instead of just saying no to her mom (who is easily angered), I suggested we write down the plans we already had made, and cgfg and her mom could take it and work a schedule for weekends from there. She could decide with her mom if she wanted to stick with the plans we'd already made or not, and basically her mom could dictate the weekends - we told her we didn't care, whatever she wanted to do with it.

(husband and I are of the camp that cgfg largely ought to be able to spend time with either parent without limiting it to what's on the court papers; her mom believes the court papers is all her dad is allowed. If she wants to go back to her mom's on Sunday of our weekend to join them for something, we let her. But her mom doesn't allow it the other way around most of the time.)

Her mom's hubby has 3 kids, also, that are there every other weekend. They only plan one outing a year as a family; the rest of the time, mom wants all the kids at the same time, and she and her hubby do their "going and doing" on the "off" weekends without the kids. (not speculation-her mom outright told me this) So she gets mad at us asking to switch weekends because that means cgfg is there when the stepkids aren't, and it intereferes with her free time, so this is a big deal to her, but from the other side of the coin. We plan to do things when cgfg is with us; her mom plans to do things when she's away.

Anyway, her mom had asked to trade weekends for every weekend in April, but was very angry at the calendar approach, that I sent to her around the last week of April. How dare we think cgfg could just be here for all these events, yada yada yada? But, she went with it, and she and her husband figured out what weekends they wanted cgfg, and she sent it back.

She just emailed me to bring her the calendar. She didn't keep a copy of it or write down what weekends she put down for cgfg to be where.

Its not a big deal, but really, who makes a schedule for their kid for an entire year and doesn't keep a copy of it? It gets really old sometimes feeling like the only person in this whole circle of people who keeps track of anything. Besides Two Brooms and her cow tracking....

 

[AnnieO]

Wow... This so much sounds like BM it's crazy... She insists we HAVE to stick to the court order, never let husband have extra time, whenever we requested summer dates she would say no repeatedly. But NOW... Oh. Now that husband has full custody?! She is all over the calendar, keeps Jett extra, uses "I forgot" a LOT, tells Jett she has him for X day when it's actually the other way round... And when she requested her summer days, she included Father's Day, the 4th of july and half a week the kids were still in school. husband said no, politely pointed out why and gave her an alternative possibility, so she called him a lot of names and said she was taking him back to court - PLUS, she wanted ALL her days, we could not have ANY of them.

Well duh.

(Fortunately, she did this on the court-ordered website... It's permanent.)

 

[Shari]

I wish we had a court ordered website. I get so sick of her ****. I'd love to step out of it, but then cgfg is stuck in the middle of the whole barrage of them.

The ONLY TIME we have ever said no, cgfg couldn't stay at her mom's for a weekend that she was supposed to be at our house was the weekend of husband's nephew's going away party before he left for the air force (and as it turned out, he's been back every 3 months since he left, so I'm sorry we even did that one). Cgfg's mom's ramblings then didn't even make sense when she back-pedaled to try to get out of the hole she'd dug around that.

This past weekend cgfg was supposed to have been at our house (per mom's calendar). Her mom text me Thursday night at 7pm that she wanted to keep cgfg that weekend for cgfg's birthday party and her older daughter's college graduation. Uh....? You planned a birthday party for a weekend she's not even supposed to be there? And you're asking at 7pm on Thursday, before the party on Friday, to see if its ok?

And your older daughter has been in college for 5 years now, and you are just now planning to attend her graduation party? The same party we knew about weeks ago??? (probably - cause that's how much she keeps track of anything)

The good thing is, her parents seem to have stopped bankrolling her, and she thinks I make a ton of money, so she's reluctant to take us on in anything she thinks we might take to court over.

 

[flutterby]

Shari, you got the in-laws and ex from hell. I don't know how you stay sane.

 

[Shari]

Ya know, I often get caught up thinking its me. It has to be me. Maybe its me. If A and B and C and D and E and F and G dont like Z, maybe Z's the problem (me being Z). Except A, B, C, D, E, F and G don't get along with each other, either....

But I NEVER in my life have had this much ugliness from people. When I was married to DEX? HE was the only ugly person I had in my life on a regular basis. Occassionally difficult child 1's bio-mom would show up, but we're talking once a year, max. And even she was nothing like this.

And despite being an ex, I still get along with all of my ex-in-law's. husband's ex brother in law, and his new wife, and their whole families...I have several good friends, the shooting club, the saddle club, etc....and I am around those people far more....so if its me? Why do those people like me??

Sometimes I'm so confused. Is it wrong to wish I was still married to a cheating husband who wants no part of the kids just because his baggage was SO MUCH LIGHTER.....?

 

[AnnieO]

...Or not married at all?

 

[flutterby]

I do the same thing, too, and I've talked to my therapist about it a few times. The issues are different, and not to go into detail, but things within my family and close friends (things that happened in the past) have made me wonder the same thing. When you keep getting ugliness from people on such a consistent basis, you have to wonder what you're doing to cause it. She's been telling me that it's not me, it's them, but I'm having a hard time believing it. I must be doing something to cause - or allow - it. And it's not like I tolerate it when it happens. I don't know.

I don't think you are doing anything. I firmly believe that you are surrounded by crazy people. I do think you are too nice sometimes, but then again maybe I could be nicer.

 

[AnnieO]

It's not you.

What it COULD be, is that you, like me, are a "fixer". We don't go for people who are all together. We like the ones who need rebuilding. And usually when we have ONE that needs help, they're attached to 50 more.

SO, when they cannot be adjusted... They won't help themselves... It feels like you failed.

But you didn't - they did.

 

[Shari]

Interesting food for thought, step. Though looking back, I don't know that I thought husband needed fixing. He had a vision of what he wanted his truck to be, but didnt have lots of money to buy it. He worked on it a little at a time. And did a lot himself. I saw it as patient and resourceful. He was always toting cgfg around with him.
And I outright mistook his family involvement for closeness...it's not close at all....it's some kind of sick interdependency, not closeness in the least.
But certainly worth looking at, cause I went grossly wrong somewhere.

 

[AnnieO]

YOU, my girl, didn't go wrong. The situation did, certainly! But you? I've read enough of your posts... Yeah. You're good. ...Just think about difficult child 1.

 

[Star*]

Maybe if you did a calender and pretended Cgfg was a cow - and just made little cow figures for idiot mom to follow? then moved the cow figure to the dates you wanted to have her on?

Think she could follow THAT?

 

[Shari]

I doubt it. lol