Another ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Sigh...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by trinityroyal, Nov 30, 2012.

  1. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    I checked my e-mail this morning, to find a long report from difficult child's support worker. Geez Louise!

    difficult child had been complaining about being bullied at work. With difficult child's history, there's usually more to the story, so husband and I decided to look into it further. With a bit of coordination between difficult child's employer and assisted living provider, we were able to get his support staff to go to work with him last week. What. A. Mess! He's been making trouble, interfering with others' work, not staying at his own station, yelling and swearing across the shop floor, and generally engaging in the same antics that got him tossed out of more than 20 schools during his checkered "career". One of his co-workers has been flipping the hood of difficult child's coat when they're both getting ready to leave at the end of the day. Apparently THAT's the "bullying".

    The bigger problem is that, based on the support staff's observation it seems that difficult child has been ditching his medications and has been off them for at least a week now. Great. Just what the world needs. A hypomanic 6 ft 5 man who thinks he's a little kid running around loose in the street.

    I just want to throttle the boy. I think in his warped thought pattern he figures that if he messes up badly enough, he'll be able to move back home and be a little boy again. That's actually his stated career ambition, "To be a little boy, move back home, and have Daddy take care of me." However, this fledgling is NOT returning to the nest.

    Even when I started to get hopeful I had a little niggle of worry. husband on the other hand, bought fully into the idea that this was The Thing. This was going to work and difficult child was going to be fine from here on in. He's going to come crashing down and be depressed for weeks over this, just in time for Christmas.

    I am so tired of difficult child's koi.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry............HUGS...........
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yikes, Trinity. I'm glad you were able to find the truth but sure am sorry to read what the truth is. The warped perceptions are so hard to accept and going off the medications is so common and tragic. Sure wish I had some answers for you but sadly I don't. difficult child#2 has had similar work environment problems this year. He spent most of his shift correcting other workers instead of doing "his" job at McD's. I was amazed they didn't fire him but even more amazed when he quit. Sending hugs your way. DDD
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so very sorry.

    Why is it that we have so very many kids nowadays who have life goals of living at home with Mommy and Daddy and having every need/whim taken care of for them?

    Sure the IDEA can be tempting at times, but humans generally have a natural drive to go and do and conquer and achieve. I just cannot figure out why so many are so determined to NOT do those things. The idea of living with my parents forever is horrifying. It was even MORE horrifying when I was in my teens/twenties. I wanted to go out and achieve something, to make my mark on the world.

    Can you get husband to focus on the twins rather than on difficult child to help him through the season? Would he talk to a therapist? What would happen if you went to the doctor with him (medical doctor) and asked for medications to help him through this period? It is devastating to think it is all finally going to be okay and then to have that ripped away. I know I had to go to the doctor with husband and tell her that he needed medications. A few weeks later he thanked me because it made such a big difference and he didn't even realize that the difference needed to happen.
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the hugs. It really helps to be able to talk about this here, where I don't have to get into the "back story" about why difficult child is the way he is.

    I'm very impressed with husband. He's working at home today so I had a chance to talk to him first thing, before he saw the staff report. He is very disappointed, but didn't seem as shocked as I expected him to be. He's going to go to difficult child's place this evening for a "man-to-man talk". I hope it has the desired effect, but right now my confidence is not too high.

    Susie, husband would try medications, I think. He has in the past, but the SSRI side effects were too much for him. I think he would be willing to talk to a therapist as well. The challenge there is finding a good one. My therapist can't see him due to ethical boundaries (since he is one of the things I talk about, I guess), but he might be able to provide a referral.

    I've told husband that I will not allow difficult child to interact with the younger Monsters until he gets his medications and his behaviour back in order. I am in the process of putting my Rhino Skin back on for the Christmas battles ahead. difficult child is not going to be happy with the results of his choices on the home front. I suppose it's only fair, given that I'm not happy about it either.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Wasn't he in a far more supportive setting some time back?
    He may need to return to that. Not HOME. But "home"... where there's 24/7 staff, less responsibility, more controls.
    Not as punishment, but because he can't really survive without it?
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    IC, he was in a much more supportive setting. However, when he moved in with my mother in law he lost his spot. The independent living spot is all they had available, and we figured that some support was better than none at all. We're trying to put together a strategy session later this week to discuss options, if there are any.

    He's got full supervision at work. He has a worker twice a week at home, plus 2 weekly visits minimum from husband. Step-D stops by to check up on him all the time. He's not alone, he's just being a stinker about his medications, with the predictable result. I guess the big issue I have is that, ultimately difficult child needs to be responsible for his own life, Know what I mean?? I don't want to be fighting this same battle when difficult child is 43, I'm 64 and husband is 76.

    I have to wonder if part of this is jealousy over the Young Ones. Tyrannosaur's issues are becoming more prominent, Tyrantina will likely need support as well, and easy child's dyslexia and other junk need some attention too. Our lives, which were so focused on getting help for difficult child for so many years, are now more focused on getting help for his little brothers and sister. Maybe in a strange way he feels left out, now that he's no longer at the centre of the action.

    That said, I don't really care why. I just want him to sort himself out!

    (Sorry, I totally went off there for a moment. I do care, I just get so FRUSTRATED with him)
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon... :hugs:
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Trinity... both statements are correct...
    You CARE about difficult child, but you don't care WHY he has his current issues. You just care that things get resolved.
    You're past WHY for him... the other kids need "whys" answered.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Positive: husband is handling it. Thank goodness for your husband! He is a keeper!

    Negative: now you are on edge about the unknowns to come for this big holiday. Focus yourself on getting rid of that edge so you can enjoy it withe the Tots!
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think a huge part is that many of our difficult children are not capable of achieving their goals and cannot figure out how to set more realistic goals so they get 'stuck'.

    One of the things I have learned from this board is to make life at home uncomfortable enough that they either are motivated to leave or they are motivated to pull their weight to make it more comfortable. If I have three adult children living me, I am darn sure not doing a single chore!
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh wow, I could easily imagine the same email coming to me! Even for q there just are limits even if he doesn't learn from them, others can't be put at risk. He'd never be still here if I had little ones. You are doing a fab. job for all of them! Yes, it still gets sickening sometimes, literally! (As my stomach turns today, sigh).....
    Here's hoping our big "little " boys will figure out enough to be able to at least stay in programs!
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    And this ride is now pulling back onto the platform. Phew/whew, what a weekend.

    husband arranged to pick difficult child up after work on Friday for that man-to-man talk. I had been out with husband earlier, so it turned into a Mom-and-Pop Come-to-Jesus meeting instead.

    husband spoke to him about responsibility, doing well at his job etc. All of which husband handles sooooo much better than I do. My addition was to tell difficult child flat out that, we have 3 younger children who also need our attention and resources, he's throwing all the effort we've put into him back in our faces, and I'm just about ready to stop making any further effort on his behalf. Also, that he's not allowed to have any contact with the small monsters until he's properly medicated, following all the rules, and behaving like a responsible citizen.

    He did come over for a visit on Sunday (against my better judgement, but the twins - and husband - were begging to see him). He was on his medications, clean and mostly well behaved. Step-D and her SO were also over. difficult child started to get verbally aggressive with her, but when I told him that one more sharp word meant he'd be sent home immediately, he apologized and contained himself for the rest of the visit.

    Somehow I don't think this is the end of it. I think difficult child has just gone quiet because he got caught flushing his medications. One of the things that really gets my goat about that -- aside from the damage to his mental health -- is that we don't have any insurance coverage for medications, so we pay for most of his things out of pocket. That week's worth of medications down the toilet cost a bomb. At least if he stashed them like he did last time, we would be able to retrieve them and not have to spend money on new medication. idea just occurred to me. I think difficult child will be spending his next few paycheques on his own medications. Serves him right too.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That would be a logical consequence.
    Not that he will necessarily see the logic...

    Doesn't Ontario cover medications for permanently disabled adults? (some provinces do, but you have to go digging to find it)
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Ontario does cover some medications. However, they're pretty limited in what they cover. For example, they cover lithium for bipolar, but not seroquel or risperdal or lamictal or any of the other BiPolar (BP) medications. So we pay out of pocket for difficult child's seroquel and lamictal.

    If there is a medication on their compendium that "treats the condition", they don't cover any of the alternates unless you can make a psychiatric case for it. We lost the application, the appeal and the second appeal. Further action on it seemed futile.
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Too bad we can't give the people who make the rules some really complex medical conditions... and let them find out for themselves. Oh, right... THEY have a good group plan... rats!
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Yup. Same goes for services for autistic adults. I wish, wish, WISH that my provincial health plan offered something other than a boot to the rear.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    IF it wasn't for the other three handfuls... you could work through the Autism Society and start making waves - because he isn't the only one that needs it... BUT. There's only one YOU.

  19. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    IC, I have contact with the Autism Society, Asperger's Society and a host of other service agencies. They all know me by name, because I've been haunting them for years.
    In my region, none of the services are paid for directly by provincial health plans. Everything is outsourced to agencies, all of which have years-long waiting lists. And practically no one provides services for people over 18.

    difficult child's employer is connected to a charity, but the assisted living is private and not covered by insurance.
  20. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    And I AM making waves. I've had some fairly serious meetings with people in a position to do something, advocating for better and more comprehensive services. But, it's a long, hard road. Everyone wants to help, but no one's sure of what exactly to do, and there's the dratted bureaucracy -- different structure per province -- to work through.