Another Round

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Jul 10, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My idiot gfgbro called today. He DEMANDED to know if we were celebrating Jessie's birthday tomorrow. We just HAVE TO celebrate it tomorrow because his ex has niece this week.

    He tried to make it sound like a HUGE emergency that we HAD to let him know the PLAN.

    There is no big "PLAN". Last time we spoke I told him we would NOT be celebrating with him or speaking to him again. I did not give an end date or say that it was "for a while". I said, and meant, that we will NOT be interacting with him on any level again.

    husband only answered the phone because he was napping when the phone rang. It woke him up and he picked it up to make it stop ringing. husband was laughing when he came to tell me about it.

    Gfgbro apparently has decided that if he acts like I never said that we won't see him again or "celebrate" with him again then I will "forget" it too. Until the next time he gets upset and wants to use it to beat me up emotionally. This is his second favorite thing to do. The other is to flat out tell me, and my parents, that whatever awful things he said and did to me never happened. He makes sure that no one else is around except husband or my kids. When I draw a boundary or react to his ugliness, he runs to Mommy and Daddy to tell them I am imagining things, am delusional, am lying, am out to get him, or am trying to make him "look bad". He will skip work or invent a crisis so that he can speak to Mom before I can so that she is inoculated against whatever I might say.

    He is out of luck this time. We did talk about what she wants to do. ON her birthday (Monday) we will all go to a matinee and then have cake and ice cream at my parents or at home, depending if my parents want to be involved. My house is NOT in shape for company and I am in NO shape to get it that way.

    If gfgbro shows up at my parents we will leave as politely as possible. We will do all we can to not make a scene, but we will also NOT tolerate being forced to spend time with him. My kids deserve better than that. Esp Jess on her birthday.

    What a tool he is.

    I have been doing MUCH better about not dwelling on him or even thinking about him. The one thought that keeps popping up is to wonder WHY he treats everyone else with some level of respect and at least decent manners and civility but he feels free to do/say whatever he wants to me however he wants. Why am I treated so differently and so devalued?

    When this pushes into my mind I tell myself that it isn't something that CAN be understood and it is a waste of my time and energy to worry and wonder about it.

    I do realize why I felt so comfortable as a teen/twentysomething walking around some of the bad areas of Cinci during the day and even walking around my town and the city where I went to college late at night.

    I have been through so much damage with my family that I figured that strangers would leave me alone. Strangers don't CARE what you do or if you exist. It is the people who know you that will hurt you every time. I am saddened that I saw the world that way. It is fairly true, but not everyone you know will hurt you, you cannot live a full life if you don't trust a few people.

    I am BLESSED to have husband, my kids, and my online family. Thanks for helping me realize that I CAN trust people.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Stay strong, Susie. You've made the decision based on some pretty solid reasoning...don't let him get to you now...
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'll just tell you what I did- I blocked my bro's phone numbers (home and cell) from calling my house. Of course he ccould find another phone number to call from but if a person persists in contacting you after making efforts to get them to stop, then they are broaching harassment and pretty much have to either get a grip on the boundaries set or continue and face the possibility of legal charges.

    I have come to learn that in very dysfunctional families the situation you are describing is very common. Why does it turn out this way? because the bro was allowed to treat, and possibly even encouraged, to "take care of" her (ie- control and become a pseudo-parent of), the sister in childhood instead of both being treated like children and equal siblings. The boy ends up growing up feeling superior to the girl and entitled to tell her what to do. He doesn't feel that way about everyone he meets but still, is not emotionally healthy himself due to all this. Of course, he's less likely to see it.

    ...just my layman's opinion..

    That's not syaing that when a boy is taught to protect a sister, it's wrong or unhealthy. But when it's a situation where the boy is like a third parent, it is unhealthy.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    klmno - I think that there is some validity to your theory.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I vote for having his number blocked!

    Oy. Stay strong. Hold your ground!
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Your brother and my mother could story swap. I have the same "no more contact please and thank you" with my mother. She too decides on her own whims when that doesn't mean anything to her and will just pick up the phone and call after long periods (drives me nuts). My phone rang a few days ago. I have call display (my favorite modern techno advancement these days). I saw the last name and thought it was my cousin, the only family member still holding my mothers maiden name. I guess she must have had her phone cut off for non payment and scammed a new phone line by using her maiden name. Regardless, I thought it was my cousin and answered with a cheery hello. Only to be greeted with my mother, acting as if it hadn't been ages since I have spoken to her and told her to stay away from me. She startled to prattle on about wanting to know if I wanted her cat. ???? It was truly strange. Yes I always adored her cat, hes beautiful and so full of personality. But to call me after all this time and try to give me her pet?? Weird, bizarre, just strange. I didn't answer her. Once I realized it was her on the phone, I said not one word. I merely hung up.

    A few months ago she had popped up like this, after months of honoring my no contact thing. I got so annoyed with the phone ringing endlessly since I wasn't answering. She just kept calling and calling and calling. So I hit the talk button, then hit the end button. Didn't even put it to my ear. She did this a few more times, 3-4 maybe. Each time got the same response. I wasn't goign to have her calling endlessly when she knew I wasn't answering because I knew it was her calling and want no contact. I plan to do the same again if she tries to call, now that I know her new phone number and the name that will show up.

    I find it much easier than trying to speak to her to get her to stop calling. I find it easier than getting stressed by her games etc.

    If you have call display, I highly recommend this approach. It sends a firm message. They would consider it a abomination to answer and have us tell them off again for not respecting our request to stay out of our lives. No worse than being considered rude for hanging up as soon as you see the number. And this way you don't have to go through the whole absurdity of once again telling them to go away. I swear sometimes some people do these things intentionally because they know we don't want them in our lives and they call simply to get us emotionally wound up and upset. Their final way of controlling us. My mother must be in fits when her ability to control those out of the blues is snatched away from her. I don't care. I just want peace. And that, to me, means not exchanging words of any kind. What needed to be said has been said and I refuse to let her antics sucker me into the emotional drainage that she is.

    Sorry your bro chooses to pretend he doesn't get it. Trust me. He gets it. He simply wants to push any emotional buttons that he can. And if in doing so he can swoop you back in, even for a short bit, into his drama-rama, he'll be more thrilled.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I know this sounds lame but there is a lot of truth in it's context -

    In the movie Merlin - there is a scene where Queen Mab is trying her darndest to possess the people of Camelot. Merlin instructs all the people to turn their backs on her when she enters the room in the castle where they are and not to pay her any attention. Then he utters a line that has stuck with me - and I'll pass it on to you because it has helped me in a lot of situations like the one you are facing with your gfgbro - and the line he says is
    "When we are forgotten we cease to exist."

    Now in reality - if you forget about your brother he isn't going to blow off the face of the planet, but he IS going to be gone from your mind; hence cease to exist there. So my best advice to you brother or not - lifetime of abuse or not, allowed to behave one way or another or not, fair or unfair - FORGET HIM.

    If he shows up where you are - don't engage a single word with him - speak politely to everyone around you and say NOTHING to him. HE DOES NOT EXIST. Then leave. If he blows a cork - he does so on his own volition. His problem not yours. Let everyone else see what YOU have been dealing with all these years.

    If he calls you at home? Hang up - HE DOES NOT EXIST- treat him like a telemarketer.

    If he shows up where you are? Leave that area - HE DOES NOT EXIST.

    EVENTUALLY like all addictions - HE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE. The only reason he can't and won't leave you alone now is because you keep feeding him little tid-bits of yourself, your time, your thoughts and tagging him along. STOP IT. HE DOES NOT EXIST. WHEN you COMPLETELY and UTTERLY IGNORE HIM....and REALIZE that he can NO LONGER HAVE ANY PART OF YOU OR YOUR HOUSEHOLD IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM? HE WILL NOT EXIST IN YOUR WORLD and he WILL FIND another object of FOCUS.

    Until then? It will be, now and forever more - YOU.

    I would stop playing nice - and IGNORE HIM. WHY?


    (hugs & Love dear - I know this has to be hard)
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Sounds like you've got the right plan of action. I think he's just looking to be the "special child" to Mom and Dad and to get you cut out of the Will! There are just some people who are hypercritical and manipulative and cruel by nature. He's been getting away with it throughout your life.

    If nothing else motivates you to stand strong know this: you're showing Jess that you are a strong, determined, powerful woman who's a force to deal with. She'll forever know that you love her, and will protect her at any cost.

    You're right: he's a tool. And tool rhymes with fool. You don't need to surround yourself with either one.

    Stand tall, Pilgrim! We're here with you!