Another saga in my life of victimization?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, May 23, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so bloody sad.
    I mean - I just feel like I cannot take any more dysfunctional crazy making. Period. Not in my personal life, not in my work life. Perhaps that is too much to ask in this day and age?
    I mean I had an abusive father. One I have resolved issues for the most part with, however, it does not take away the past.
    I had 2 abusive X's.
    I have an abusive difficult child.
    I am done. DONE.
    I purposely sought out this career with THIS particular company because they have been rated on the top 100 list of best places to work over and over again. I chose them because I wanted integrity, respect, and honesty to be ingrained in the fabric of their values. I wanted to feel like I could spread my wings in an environment that would respect me, and everyone around me.
    No one in mgmt has a backbone to step up and reprimand the people who are disrespectful. And now, I find out that I have been manipulated and lied to, for other mgmt team members gain. And I have been lied about for months by an employee that wants my job. And the manager that leads it all, is a passive boob, who will not put his foot down.

    I know it is all too complicated to even put into words, let alone understand via the board. I guess, suffice it to say, that the success of my future career has been called into question because of these lies - and I have no way to prove my integrity - and that sends me into a complete tailspin. I just cannot seem to cope when I feel like a victim. I completely cannot function. I become apathetic, depressed, angry.........maybe I am damaged? Or maybe I just need to lighten up, and get over myself? I cannot decide.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    It's probably a defense mechanism that you have learned after years of being abused by different people. You basically go into shut down mode.

    I don't think it's a matter of you needing to get over yourself. Everybody wants to be treated with respect, dignity, and integrity. It is ridiculous that you are not being treated that way.

    I so wish I could wrap you in a big hug. It would not make everything better, but I sure feel that you need one.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yea, you are right. A defense mode. That is exactly what it is! I just completely shut down.
    So do you think I should just keep searching for this perfect place to work that actually lives "their values" of honest & integrity? Or do you think I should just deal with the reality of this current position - and believe that no one place can live up to my expectations?

    Thank you BBK. That is something H. would have said. I so need to talk to her - but you guys are getting pretty close to filling her shoes. Thanks.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I think there is no such thing as the perfect job or perfect employer, but I think you can do a damn sight better than where you're at. You spend a good part of your life at work. It at least needs to not be so miserable. You should be able to enjoy your work, not dread going in every day.

    I think of you often, hon. Know that you're in my thoughts.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As others have job is perfect by any stretch of the imagination but they dont have to be torture chambers either. Im not sure what you do for a living but there have got to be other options out there. Do you have a college degree? You may choke on your wheaties but have you ever considered working for Social Services as a case worker for welfare? Its pretty stable work and the benefits are darned good. Its either state or county work. Once you get a hang of the job its the same thing over and over..and over and There are chances for advancement if you play your cards right.

    One good thing about state or govt work is that they are large enough that they have to give you FMLA leave if difficult child gets iffy at some point. Though their vacation and sick leave is normally pretty generous too.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending lots of warm hugs...I wish I had a magic answer for you...
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Funny Janet, I do not have a college degree, but if I did, that is the exact job I would be doing. If I had to go back to school, that is the degree I would get. My passion in life the well being of our children.

    As for now - I just need to know how to be happy. Do I accept all of the **** everyone has giving me as the norm, or do I seek and expect more from others.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member all I needed was an associates degree to be a caseworker for welfare to be a social worker you needed a bachelors.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Seek and expect more. You deserve it.
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Do not ever take any steps back wards again... you have come too far. You DO deserve more, from life, work, love, health, family and friends...

    You have walked this path for a reason. It will come to you.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm gonna give you the same advice I'd give (and have given) my own children with this sort of thing.

    It's time to get mad. Stick up for yourself. Stand your ground. No job is worth your own self respect. Demand respect from your employees and your bosses. As far as bosses go, they all have someone over them. If necessary, bring them into it. But don't take their load of **** anymore.

    If they can't or won't give you the respect you need and deserve, then it is time to walk away.

    You have nothing to lose by demanding respect. (except leaving a job you're beginning to hate) And everything to gain.

  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just read all of your responses, and I feel strengthened. I am going to talk to bossman right now - I am just praying something will change, and the boss will step up to the plate - finally.
    Wish me luck!
  13. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Steely I'm going to share something with you from my own life. It's a little personal but it's ok now. When I was hurting (and I can no way compare your hurt to what I went through) it was paralyzing. Seems like that was/is happening with you too. Then I got angry. In hurt you can't be product but with anger you can. You are just now beginning to feel that anger. Go with it. You can be productive with anger and "do" something about it. It's a big motivator more then hurt could ever be, especially when you have been victimized (as you say all your life). It's being able to move from victim to survivior! Yes, you are that and I know right now you don't like being that at the moment because it kind of hurts but you are that and you NEED to be this for you and H.

    Like everyone says, no more taking the disrespect from anyone at all. You need to set up boundaries for yourself. Even if it is small ones at first on what is acceptable and not allow anyone to cross them. It may be hard to hold that ground at first but it will come slowly.

    As far as work, or making life better overall, this is where the productivity can come in. While this job is not perfect (and probably there is no such thing as perfect out there) it is a job for the moment. In a time where jobs are hard to come by too. You can begin your search for another job if that is the path you take but in the mean time I have another suggestion that will help you in ways you can't hardly imagine at the moment. This is what I did and it helped immensely on all fronts (self esteem, boundaries, hurt, etc..).

    Involve yourself in something that helps others. It really doesn't matter what it is, and it can be only an hour a week for now (as time might be a precious commodity for you). Soon enough you will find you will want to spend more time giving of yourself in this activity because it helps lift you out of what you are feeling and feeds into our human need to help others. Often it also helps put things into perspective in our own lives. It really, really doesn't matter what area you choose to donate your time at this point so long as it is helping others. It's a feel good project that I promise you will help YOU, as you are helping others.

    You are doing this by offering yourself on your terms, your boundaries and you are gaining the respect as well that you need. It is an esteem builder and helps overall to get you stronger. They say fake it until you make it but by doing this, it surely helps even more and it's not even faking it.

    I promise you (and I don't make promises lightly) that this WILL help you. I know right now it may seem insurmountable to do anything extra with what you've been through and dealing with but this is like a small treat to yourself in an surprise box.

    For me it was working with families that have children with mental illness or others who have been abused (it progressed as time went on). I became known for resources in the area (and a very large network of contacts to boot) in the end. You will know when the time comes, as well, when you can say "enough" and stop giving of yourself and pull back. There is more to this story but suffice it to say, if I didn't have this/do this, I can't tell you where I would be today or if I would be.

    Just my humble .02 thought.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, what about going to evening classes to get that degree, to help you take control of your life, keep your mind doing something constrcutive, that you enjoy, and that helps you to get a job in a field that you are passionate about?
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Steely!
    I agree with-BBK. But you can get over it. You're already doing it.
    Some jobs are worth it. Some aren't. It seems like this is worth the old college try.
    by the way, EVERYONE these days is either a wuss or too aggressive in biz. Seems like there's no in-between. My friends and I are no longer going back to our fave Mex rest. after 16 fun yrs, because they introduced loud rock music in the bar, that makes the walls reverberate and prevents diners from even talking. After repeated complaints, the head mgr wimped to us that it was not up to him; it was the Big Boss somewhere. WUSS! We insisted upon getting the name and # of The Big Boss Man because he will listen to customers more readily than underling employees. Arrrgh.
    So, you're in good company. It's not just you. What a pity.
  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Steely, working is never perfect. There are no perfect jobs, employers or employees. It really becomes about where you "fit". Jobs that you stick with are a good fit.
    My easy child was upset that his employer didn't appreciate what a good worker he was compared to his peers. I asked if they gave him a paycheck. Yes was his answer. I told him that was the appreciation. He needed to get past the high school mentality that everyone had to stroke him when he did a good job. He needed to make it a point of self pride and self growth. Stop looking for approval from the boss. Now I'm not saying that is your situation. Lies and subterfuge is a strange way to work and such a negative energy that it's amazing that anything gets done.
    What I'm saying is that you may need to reflect back to what you want and where you need to get it. If you feel ostracized in the work place or your work is not meeting the expectations of your boss you will have to do something about it.
    If you have flaws(as we all do) can you get past them? Can you overcome stumbling blocks and make the job what you think it should be? Surely you are not the only one who has been picked out to be the recipient of untrue tales. Seek out those who are in the same boat and see if grouping together gives you each more strength and change the power within the work group. It may turn out that there are more of you then them. The liars and manipulators can be ostracized or shunned. Just do your job and find other ways to overcome the obstacles.

    It would be good if you could work your perfect job. I can't save anyone since I can't save my own but helping children get services is a positive small help to a hurting child/family. Good luck if you pursue that dream.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I also don't think there is a perfect job. I worked for a company that was considered one of the best for fourteen years. I had to take the good with the bad, and there was plenty of bad. But on the whole it was a great place to work.

    My easy child is very much like you, she is searching for the perfect job, the one that has integrity and honesty and cares about their employees. She just finished an internship with a company that supposedly had all that but she found out that the managers are just human like everyone else. They had their faults and failings and they just didn't match up to her very high expectations. She changed her major in college because of it and decided she no longer wants to work in the business world. And this was not a bad company, it's just that her expectations of people are very high and it's hard for anyone to meet them. She is having difficulty in social relationships because she expects too much out of people.

    Perhaps it is because I am getting older now and the picture is clearer, but I think if we live our lives in a manner that we can be proud of then we just have to make allowances for those who don't have the same expectations or values that we do. I've tried to tell my easy child that she has to find peace within herself and a way to work in a world that may not be perfect and perhaps not expect so much out of everyone because she will continue to be disappointed.

    I'm sorry you are having such a rough time at work. Give it time to work out, whatever you do hold your head up when it's all over. If it is clear that you cannot continue working there, start looking for another job.

  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know...thinking more about this...I loved...LOVED what my job was but I hated some of the people I had to work with. Not really the clients (though they could be a trial sometimes) but more the supervisors and backstabbers and office politics that goes on even in county government. I actually had a co-worker set me up...twice! Once was so awful I can rarely speak about it without ptsd.

    Heck I really guess you could say that same guy set me up three times because he sat at my desk after I left and surfed the web looking at gay porn and when they finally caught it on the computer he had already been moved to another position in the organization as a supervisor...and he told them that the last person to sit at that desk was ME! Like I would surf the internet at work looking at male gay porn!!!

    Needless to say they will never hire me back even if I could go back...which I would love to do if I could because like I said...I adored my job. Its sad too...the last investigator is retiring in August.
  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member


    I talked to boss man today - and he apologized - long story short - it was brought to his attention by someone else what was going on - and he was floored. He told me he would handle it, which I trust he will. He told me how much he appreciated me, and valued my talent, and how sorry he was that this had been going on, and that he would take care of it. YES! I am so, so relieved.

    And yes, I agree, that my expectations of a job is way too high. Definitely. I am constantly needing to step back in my life, and gain an objective perspective. Thanks you guys, for helping with this.

    And I agree, that I need to start volunteering. This has been a goal of mine for years, and I have not acted on it. I must start - today! I know it will make a huge difference in my life.
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Steely, I'm so glad you talked to your boss and he reassured you. That is GREAT.
    It's wonderful that you're so open to all the suggestions you've gotten.
    You sounds relieved already.
    You're great. :)