Another set back :(

[PatriotsGirl]

I received a discouraging phone call yesterday morning that pretty much ruined my day. And not because of the effect it has on her, but the effect it has on ME and MY life.

Over the weekend, I bought a children's pool to donate to the dorm. It was just an 18 dollar snap set pool. They already have pools but I figured one more couldn't hurt because there are a lot of children. So I dropped it off when I picked up Connor and put it on the staff's table in the dining room.

Apparently after I left, M took it upon herself to take the pool and put it in her bedroom. Staff went to look for the pool yesterday morning and couldn't find it. So they checked her room, found it and brought it downstairs. When M went to her room, she had a temper tantrum because it was gone and she was very mad about it. She let her attitude get the best of her AGAIN. She claimed she wanted to keep the pool aside for when Connor was there full time because she was afraid the older kids would ruin it before he got to use it (the older kids are very rough with the toys). Wrong way to handle it. So they called to let me know they would be returning the pool to me and no more donations. I go to do something nice and it bites me in the butt again.

So I spent the whole day yesterday in complete anger and resentment. I KNOW this will end up setting back Connor going there yet again. And this affects ME. MY life. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and now it just keeps getting pulled back further. This is financially straining me. I am behind on bills and need new tires that I cannot afford because I am having to pay for daycare, diapers and everything else that he needs. Her ONLY part was to keep her attitude in check, keep her head down and keep doing what she is supposed to. But, no, she can't keep that attitude in check. And it angers me to no end because her actions affect all of us. And no, I have not gotten the phone call yet but the Assistant Director is coming back from vacation today and she is HARD. I KNOW that once she hears about this, there will be consequences other than returning the pool and not accepting any more donations. She may even make M move out of the children's dorm all together and put any plans of Connor coming on hold. She accused M of self sabotaging before and now I am starting to wonder if she is right.

If they are gracious enough to let Connor come this weekend I will bring him but as of right now, I will not be going to visitation on Saturday. I am just not feeling it. I feel if Connor can't go there this weekend, well, she needs to use the time to do some serious soul searching on what her priorities are. I couldn't have cared less about a dumb pool when it costs me at least 600 a month to take care of her son.

I was filled with so much rage yesterday that I had to go into my bedroom, drop to my knees and just cry. Then I prayed because I do not want Connor to sense my anger and resentment. And it worked, I calmed down and pulled it together for him. But I know once I get that call today I am going to lose it again... I need strength to keep trucking. I need to figure out something financially to get us back on track. My son offered to care for him once he is out of school to save us on daycare but that won't work. I work from home. Connor will not just leave me alone to work and I will not get anything done. And my son definitely does not have the patience to watch him full time. I just need to pray that SHE gets back on track and figures out what causes her to let her attitude get the best of her. This was just dumb and it will cost so much...

I guess I need to look at the bright side that she did not take off after all this happened yesterday. So many girls run from the program and she hasn't. One thing that does bother me is that one of the girls got her son back and then left the program. Her son had to go back to the grandmother. She came back to the program and has her son back!!!?? To me, if you leave the program after you got him back, you should not have him back there already. But when something happens with M, it seems they drop the hammer on her.

And the more I look at our finances and bills piling up, the more stressed and angry I get...

 

[Lil]

I need to figure out something financially to get us back on track.

PG, have you considered going to Social Services and signing up for TANF?* I don't know about your state, but here any non-parent caretaker of a minor child is entitled to TANF. It won't be much, a couple hundred, but it'll help if your state allows it. My state actually also has a statute that allows a guardian to apply to the county - I believe probate court, for money for necessary expenses for a ward.

All states differ, of course.

There must be some not-for-profit group that helps people with foster-kids or wards. Maybe you can find out what's available in your state from them? Did you have an attorney for the Guardianship? I forget. If so, maybe they'd be able to tell you if your state laws have that provision.

*A word of warning though, if you do get TANF, in my state that would automatically trigger a child support case against your daughter to repay the TANF money. Now, if Conner goes to stay with her in the children's area...that would probably cut that off. But she could end up with a debt.

I am so sorry she's gotten herself in trouble.

 

[Nancy]

Self sabotage is very common, my daughter constantly did it in treatment and beyond. Hopefully she will get back on track, it's worse on us.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I talked to the TANF department when we first got custody and they told me that they go by OUR income. Our income is too high. We make good money but sadly, we have racked up a lot of bills, too. Bills we built before we had responsibility of a toddler. I definitely don't want to give her a debt. Granny wanted M to pay child support to us even if it was just 5.00 a week. We told her to buy him something with it instead - an outfit a week or what have you. We appreciated the sentiment.

I just really want her to get her koi together and stop letting her attitude reign. She has always had an issue with that. Obviously, it is not caused by the drugs...this is really her and something she needs to learn to deal with.

Maybe she doesn't realize that she is self sabotaging? Could it be possible they do it self consciously?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Maybe she doesn't realize that she is self sabotaging?

That would be my theory.
Between the trauma she suffered, and then the years of drug use... parts of her thinking are behind in development. That is going to take time, and work. The fact that she is staying there and confronting this stuff is a good thing. But it isn't a "switch" that can be turned off. The "reaction" process has to be replaced with higher-level thinking. Understanding cause and effect. Weighing options, seeking help before doing something. Things that many typical kids learn as teenagers - and many of "our" kids (with substance abuse or not) seem to have to learn over and over before they get it.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you InsadeCdn!!!! That really helps me put things in perspective and let go of some of the anger. I think I am going to keep your post in front of me for when that phone call comes...hopefully they understand that, too, and don't put off Connor coming any longer than they already have. It has been over seven months now. And not just for my sake, but for hers. I can't help but wonder if they put it off longer that she will just throw her hands in the air and give up. Such a fine line...

We all have bad days. I certainly don't fault her for what happened on the church bus. I think a good many people would have felt the way she did after having three people not want her sitting next to them. That would hurt even a grown adult's feelings. But the episode yesterday WAS ridiculous and was all her...

 

[Lil]

I talked to the TANF department when we first got custody and they told me that they go by OUR income. Our income is too high.

Ah, I see. Like I said, every state is different. They don't look at a guardian's income at all in my state. There's a law that even says guardian's don't have to spend their own money to support a ward. But that's us.

Daycare is so expensive. I wish I had some other ideas.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

See for her, it won't cost a thing. Free daycare on site!!

So far, no phone call but I know it is coming...they are probably all meeting with her as I type. I texted her caseworker and didn't hear back, yet.

And the Assistant Director that is so HARD on her is most likely going to be her next caseworker. Her current caseworker gave notice and this is her last week there. The house mom of the children's dorm has been trying to influence being her next caseworker, but we all have a feeling it will be G that takes her case. Tougher times will be coming if this will be her new caseworker, that is for sure...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Just got a text that they are about to talk to her and will let me know something when they are done...

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sending hugs and good thoughts

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you. I am not trying to borrow trouble, but I just know that it won't be good...

 

[DoneDad]

Hoping for the best for you and everyone involved.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Okay, just got off the phone with them and I feel much better. M still very much has a victim mentality and is hooked on being accepted from others. She worries more about making friends there. It has been more than just the incident yesterday and they explained a few things that have been occurring with her. I get where they are coming from. And I have to admit that I may have been feeding into that victim mentality by coddling her a little and that stops now. I will no longer co-sign her koi. Yes, the bus thing made her feel bad but it was her response to it. And then there was a time she was talking about being a part of a drug cartel and they said some of the things she was saying just did not make sense and they told her that maybe her perception of what was going on at that time was not necessarily reality and she got offended. Her perception is that she is being beat down but she is not. Sure, they purposely push her buttons - they do that to everyone. They have to. But it has been a lot of little things and they know that she is in NO way ready to stay clean if she left today. I agree. I don't want her going anywhere for a very, very long time anyway. She still has work to do and this pushes her graduation to November. I am okay with that, too. She needs as much time as she can get!

Her new caseworker is not G but it is not the house mom of the children's dorm either. It is someone else - M (and I really like her). They have come to the conclusion that this has pushed her back a month. No 7 hour passes, which is fine with me and no visitation this weekend (again, fine with me as I was not feeling it anyway. I told them I have things I want to say, but it would be better off in a counseling environment and they were completely on board with that). But she will continue to have Connor for the full weekends for the next two weekends and then we will see her progress if she is ready for a full week. They want her to have Connor there. They really want Connor there so that she can have that experience of being a full time mom with a job and experience LIFE as a mother. But, sheesh, she is still working on trying to get him there and she can't control her reactions. What will happen when you add the stress of Connor?? She doesn't have him full time in his terrific twos. She doesn't have a clue how stressful it can be! There are times I want to pull my hair out of my head with his attitude, crossing his arms and saying no. With his constant wanting to go outside to play and having a little meltdown when you say no. I love him with every ounce of my heart but it is not always fun.

So that is where we are. They said she has to really make a decision now about what is important - making friends, looking "cool" to the others and being accepted, or keeping focused on herself and getting her child back. I agree completely!!

She is at work and has not been told of the consequences yet but in my opinion, it could be a lot worse. They could have her move out of the children's dorm, back to dorm 1 and say forget Connor even coming on the weekends. So hopefully she has the clarity to see that as well. Sigh.

 

[toughlovin]

I must say this sounds like a wonderful program and they seem to really think things through and are totally on target. That is great. I mean I think she needed some consequence for her behavior, because she has to remember that Connor comes before her temper,. that he is her priority. Yet a consequence too harsh woulld could easily backfire and really set her back. I think in this process of recovery it is often several steps forward and then a coupld big steps back. Progress is not always a straight line... and yes our addicts, especially those who started using young, have to go through learning stuff that most kids learn in their teens..... My daughter is younger than my son by almost 4 years but she is way more mature and ahead of him in maturity and independence. Drugs mess you up for awhile and you have to go back and learn those things you missed.

TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, they just talked to her and she took it okay. Her caseworker told me that most people flip out when they are told that they are being set back a month and she took it well. She is happy that ML is her new caseworker and she received what they told her. She also said she was NOT leaving no matter what.

We have individual counseling set up for Friday...I am very much looking forward to it...

 

[Nancy]

I often said two steps forward and one back. It's good that everyone agrees this is long term. One thing I found out is that even when the are clean and sober some of their character faults are still there. I expected a complete reversal and was disappointed until I learned my expectations were too high. It's like the saying "a dry drunk".

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Very long term. There are women that have been there well over two years. I see M being one of the ones that are there very long term and so does she so that is a good thing.

That is what they called her yesterday - a dry drunk. BUT she is still there and determined not to go anywhere. That in itself is a great thing. Old M would have threw her arms in the air and walked away. Her only consequence would be a month in jail. (And of course not getting her son back)

Her new caseworker completely understands what she is going through and that it will take time. She has to completely retrain her brain and has so much immaturity still. She said that she has always thought of M as a daughter and she is thinking that is why they put her as her caseworker. The awesome thing is that every caseworker there has been through that program. They do not hire caseworkers that have not gone through the program and I think that is awesome.

My husband talked to me this morning and told me NOT to add additional stress on to her. He does not want me to mention how we are going through financial difficulty through this. He says she has come SO far and that she will make it. I agree with him. It is not necessary. I just need her to understand that she needs to focus on her son and her recovery and stop trying to look cool and make friends. She is not there for that and it will not help her become a good mother...

I need to let go of my expectations. She is doing so well and I do see such a change in her that I get so frustrated and upset when she has the steps backwards. I need to detach again but that is SO hard to do while I am raising her son.

 

[AppleCori]

I'm so glad your daughter is still determined to continue with the program despite the setbacks. This is huge! I only wish my step-difficult child had that fortitude.

Maybe she is now starting to work on her inner self; what is was about herself that led her to abuse drugs in the first place. Personality traits, thought patterns, risk assessment, delaying gratification, whatever it is that took her there. This is the key to her future as a non-addicted, responsible adult!

I am so happy for you all!

Hopefully she will be able to take her son there to live with her soon.

I can imagine how difficult this is for you and your hubby financially.

Is there any other ways to cut back on expenses? The non-fixed ones, of course.

 

[lovemyson1]

I see this set back as a good sign that she is showing resposibility and maturity. Like you said, she normally would have given up and left in this circumstance. Every small positive step is one to celebrate. We all learn from our mistakes, if we're smart. I'm sure it's frustrating for you to ride this roller coster PG. Hang in there, you're doing great!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I saw not one but two postings on Facebook today from Joyce Meyer Ministries that specifically talk about what she is going through. I wrote it all down so I can give to her on Friday. One is a prayer for anger that I think is really going to help her. If she can recite this prayer when she first gets angry, before reacting, I think it is really going to help her with self-control. The key is stopping and thinking before reacting!

As for the financial stress, in reality, we did it to ourselves. When I heard Connor was going to his momma I went and bought a bunch of stuff for him to take that I put on a credit card and it is a credit card that must be paid in full every month. I thought no biggie because I wouldn't be paying for daycare - now it bit me in the butt. I also need tires for my big old Expedition (that I also regret buying now) and that is a big hit that was really stressing me out. BUT, I called Discount Tire this morning and they just happen to be running a rebate special this weekend that drops the price to about half!!! Can I get an AMEN???

We will get caught up - I have to be smarter and not go spend happy. I put the cart before the horse as far as him going there and now have to pay the piper - literally. I am also trying to figure out if it is cheaper to eat out or cook at home. Groceries are just getting ridiculous!!!