Another take on husband moving out with-difficult child

[TerryJ2]

So, last night, husband suggested that he get a condo and move out with-difficult child. He would cut way back on his hrs at work, pick up difficult child every day at 5:30, and keep a really strict schedule with-him. He said it would cut back on our income and we'd work around that.
I got all teary eyed and said, "But why after all of these yrs when I've been asking you to do this, to cut way back on your hours and stay home, you wouldn't do it for me?"
He had no answer. I talked with-a friend today and she said it makes no sense to actually move out with-difficult child. If husband is going to invest that much time in difficult child, we could easily live at home together. She said it sounded passive aggressive.
I think so, too.
Any thoughts?

 

[Marguerite]

What reason does he give for needing a separate flat? Is he maybe using difficult child as an excuse to move out? Is there any way you could find some space in your home which is minimal distraction, where husband could spend this time with difficult child instead of renting a flat for the purpose? Think of it - two lots of housekeeping, two lots of meals cooking, two lots of keys, travelling back and forth - not to mention the disruption for difficult child, always wondering if the separation is because of him (which seems to be what husband is saying at the moment).

I'd be maybe sitting down with husband and drawing up a PMI on a sheet of paper.

(PMI = Plus, Minus, Interesting - you list these things relevant to this idea in the various columns. Do two pages - one to stay, one to go. Both you and husband contribute to the list and discuss it as calmly as possible.)

Marg

 

[flutterbee]

I must have missed a post or two. I thought that you and husband were finally getting on the same page re: difficult child. What happened?

I know this hurts and I'm sorry for your pain.


(((hugs)))

 

[flutterbee]

Ok, so I went back and read the other posts. I'm sorry I missed them. I wonder if husband didn't realize just how aggressive difficult child is with you until the incident the other night? Maybe that the psychiatrist countered him - and defended you - with how you react to difficult child... Maybe something finally clicked... Just thoughts I had...

I do have to say regarding his comment (you posted on another thread) that you have anger issues and need counseling... well, when you've been put in a position to always be the bad guy with little support, you're bound to end up at least a little resentful. I know husband has been better lately in that area, but as you stated it's taken him a long time to get here.

After reading the other threads, I would be interested to see how difficult child does with husband on their own. You stated that difficult child only responds to you in this manner, but I have a sneaky suspicion that husband would bear the brunt of it if husband was filling your role.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Terry,

My take on the situation:

husband's object is to remove difficult child from the home. It is affecting you and easy child. Well, for the time being, difficult child cannot just be put out. His offer is to move difficult child out of the home and care for him so that you and easy child are safe.

I just read Heather's response, we pretty much have the same idea. I also wonder how long it would be before difficult child started turning his aggressions onto husband.

Heh heh. Go get a facial with your daughter, and let husband deal with it for once!

 

[Sunlight]

he should stay at a motel room for a temp period of time to sample his idea before signing any contracts at all for long term leases. it is a far fetched idea and may not work.

 

[Steely]

Deep in your heart of hearts how do you feel about it? Regardless of what underlying message or hidden agenda you might think husband has, how do you feel about it as a person.

I, for one, know I would jump up and down for days if someone offered me that opp. I would pay someone millions, to have the relief and peace that that would bring me, even for a short time. But that is me. If you feel the same way, then I would not worry right now about why husband wants to do it this way, but rather I would seize the opp.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all.
I think it's a combination of husband wanting to keep the household peaceful and this is a strange way of buying peace.
You're right ... after a few mo's with-husband, difficult child would surely make him the target. THAT would surely change things! I think it is a bad idea for husband to move out with-difficult child. If difficult child is going to move out, I want it to be in a professional, therapeutic environment and not more of the same denial that has gone on for yrs.
I will make a list for husband ... after I talk to the dr. today.

Yes, husband has sort of gotten on the same page. But it's too little too late. I am angry with him but he thinks that if you tell someone you're angry with-them, no matter how justified it is, there is something wrong with-you. Even if you say it in a nice tone of voice, sit down and talk about it, etc. He was raised in a family that refused to discuss emotional issues, where his mom played the traditional corporate wife role, his dad traveled, and was never, ever home, and when he did come home, lavished gifts on everyone and then disappeared again. He thinks everything should always be happy and upbeat. He's got this image in his mind that he wants to come home to his castle, candles flickering, the smell of food wafting through the air (never mind that he won't eat most of it because he's a health food nut), everyone running to the door to greet him. He takes it personally if I'm transferring a boiling kettle from the stove to the sink and he tries to kiss me hello and I say "Watch out!" He does not take note of what's going on around him. I'll put the kettle down and say, "Wow, that was scary. Okay, I can kiss you now," and he's all huffy about it.
He's gotten better over the yrs but it's still very difficult. Maybe that helps to put it in perspective.

 

[totoro]

I just wanted to say I am sorry you are even having to discuss this... the stratching thin of relationships is so hard.
I agree with all the ladies. I also think a couple of plates of... toro, himachi, maguro that could make you feel better... mmmm I would go with you!!! :sushi:

 

[Josie]

I think you've gotten good advice above.

I wanted to tell you that we actually got to the same point a few years ago. I'm not even sure who came up with the idea first, but we talked about husband moving to an apartment and taking then difficult child with him. I don't remember what caused us to think about this but it must have been extreme because it seemed like a good solution at the time. At that time, she was prone to violence against easy child and me so it was probably a safety issue. It was all about difficult child and not about our relationship, though.

Your friend has a good point. husband could still come home at 5:30 and devote his time to difficult child even if he was still in the same house.

 

[KFld]

I don't know what the answer is. I think it is so much up to how you personally feel about it. I know there are many here who would probably love the idea of being husband and difficult child free for awhile, but they aren't you. what do you want????

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Terry,

To me, it sounds like there are two separate issues here. The first is about difficult child and the level of violence and disrespect he throws at you. The second is about what you want to do with your marriage.

in my humble opinion, I don't think it is a good idea for your husband to move out and take difficult child with him. To difficult child, I think this would seem like he "won". However, I do believe that after a short while, husband would see difficult child's "true colors" and wonder how you put up with it for as long as you did. I bet husband would suddenly have lots more respect for you!!!

I think when difficult children exhibit high levels of ODD type behavior, it is really important that they see their parents as a united front. If husband takes difficult child and moves out, difficult child would see that united front crumble before his eyes. I think, in the long run, this would only make things worse - Sort of like a band-aid approach to trying to solve this problem.

I know, others don't agree with me. This is just me throwing in my two cents worth. I hope that whatever you decide to do, you're totally sure that it is the best course of action for you - the lesser of two evils.

Sending cyber hugs. WFEN

 

[TerryJ2]

I went to the child psychiatric dr today with-easy child. She had her say. She really needed to be heard. I took up a lot of time the other day just filling in the dr. with-info and nothing was really resolved. Today the dr. came up with-some concrete suggestions. (I posted this on the General BB, too.)

The dr suggested that until summer camp happens (it's too much of a rush to do a placement in Sept., get a loan, etc., and we still don't know exactly what we want) we rotate one person out of the house for breaks on a regular basis, just for our own mental health. It can be a visit to a friend's house overnight, a diff. city, etc. Ea person needs his/her own time and space and a break from difficult child. He liked the idea of camp and/or boarding school because it would place difficult child in a highly controlled, professional environment, and we have reached an impasse, where we have all made enormous strides, but for whatever reason, difficult child just cannot see his impact on others and his changes seemed to have plateau'd.
He needs huge consequences, not the things we are doing, aka no computer (i.e. Big Hairy Deal ... no real impact there. A yr ago, I saw a post here where a mom said she felt she wasn't doing any good by sending her son to his rm for discipline, because he had so many toys, it was like saying, "You're in Time Out. Go to Disney World!" LOL.)
He also said husband has to cut back on his activities such as speeches, weekend activities, etc. and be much more hands-on with-difficult child, which will give difficult child more male authority (sorry to be chauvinistic but it's true in this case, because difficult child does not respect me or many other women), and it will give husband more one-on-one time with-difficult child, which will be good for both of them.
He said he thinks we can find a local military school that may accept ADHD kids (which is a slight departure from what he said b4, because he was thinking it was totally ADHD/ODD but he is now seeing that difficult child CAN control himself in certain situations and needs more training and constant reinforcement.
He said we were clearly running out of steam and he didn't want us to get to the point where difficult child's 16 and we just let him take over.
easy child felt much better about it and said it was very productive.

By coincidence, husband suggested that I p/u difficult child from school and take him straight to the ofc, where husband would keep him busy (he loves the shredder), and then he'd take him to some mtng tonight with-free food. Don't know if that's where they went but they should be home any min.

I will drop difficult child off at the ofc tomorrow afternoon, too.

Then I get a turn, taking him to his baseball game Sat, which I like doing because it's the one high point of difficult child's life.

If we can keep husband in the action like this it will really help.

I have not had a chance to broach the subject of a nanny or live-in with-husband yet. I will do that tonight. I can pretty much guarantee he'll nix it.

I'm having lunch with-S tomorrow, our carpool friend who has an autistic friend. She had a morning nanny who helps get her autistic son ready for the bus in the a.m. She gets her 4th grader ready, as well as herself (she's a dentist) and she feeds the dog and cat, etc. We will talk a blue streak! I am so grateful.

 

[susiestar]

I wish I had some wise words for you. My difficult child was so very violent that he had to be removed. At one point when it did not look like there was anywhere for my son to go, we discussed my husband moving out with difficult child for a while.

I fought that idea like crazy. I work long and hard to keep my marriage alive, no stinkin difficult child is going to take it from me and husband!

But that is our situation. We did find a placement for my son, with family, and it is working out. We are truly blessed to be able to do this.

I hope you find the right help for your family.

Susie

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you. In the meantime, we talked to husband tonight. He is not keen on military school or ADHD school, but will agree to an extended summer camp.
As a sort of respite, easy child and I are going to NYC over Columbus Day (school is closed that Mon.). She has never been b4, and I have a crazy cousin who lives there that we can stay with-. I know, staying with-her is like jumping from the kettle into the fire but at least she doesn't shove her fist into your face. She's a neurotic motormouth, former dancer and actress, total dramaholic, now arthritic and addicted to pain pills (I can relate to some of the notes on this bb but didn't have time to post about addictions, etc.)
And it's only 3 days. And it will give easy child a chance to practice her driving skills on the freeway. Gulp.
I will need lots of wine when I get there! But it will be fun. I'm planning to do a museum and shop, too. Maybe we should go for 4 days ... I'm really liking this idea ... Just easy child and me ...

:dance:

 

[ck1]

Terry: Wow! Your husband sounds very much like my husband in regards to his expectations on how he should be treated in the home (like royalty). Needless to say, my difficult child did not treat husband that way. Anyway, my husband did talk about moving out with difficult child, but his idea was for ME to do it and take my two little ones too! His idea was that we could get an apartment or some crazy idea like that while he stayed, alone, in our very nice house! Uummm, let me think about that...No Way!!!

Although your husband may good intentions, being firm and consistent is very difficult. If that's not his strong suit in your home with your support, what makes him think he could do it alone? If he thinks all of difficult child's problems will disappear, he'll have a rude awakening and difficult child could become more manipulative in the process. in my opinion, it's not a chance worth taking. I agree with everyone else who said the most important thing is for you and husband to get on the same page and present a united front!

 

[TerryJ2]

If that's not his strong suit in your home with your support, what makes him think he could do it alone?

Bingo!

I wish he could see that. Sigh.