Another update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Malika, Aug 26, 2013.

  1. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hi all
    Well, we have recently arrived back in Morocco after spending six weeks with my mother in England. J starts a new (French) school here in a week's time.
    Things have not been great. In a nutshell. HUGE meltdowns this summer, much worse than ever before - nasty, aggressive, swearing, hitting - and a real problem with hard-core swearing which J heard all over the place in the UK and repeated everywhere with gusto. At the same time he discovered stunt scootering and we went regularly to the skate park in the town... he's great at it, really a natural, with great courage and intuitive knowledge of how to move. Some people were amazed that he was going down the huge ramps at just six.
    He's been so "difficult", oppositional and aggressive that I begin to fear for the future. Really quarrelsome with other children, again much worse than before.
    Is it all the changing around, or at least partly that? Is this just the normal progression of the disorder, intensifying as he gets older? My patience has been very thin at times and my stress levels sky high. I'm still not very good at ADHD...
    Sorry for the gloomy post!!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Read the posts of other Moms and see if J can benefit from that overall picture. I wish you well. DDD
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I imagine all the upheaval has added to his underlying disorder. You may want to take the next week to create a strong routine for him to follow, the structure may very well help him adjust to school and his new home.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry he has been so difficult. Is there better testing in the UK? He may have more going on than ADHD.

    It was good to hear from you, but was hoping for better news.
  5. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well, confusing as it all is, we are now living in Morocco not the UK and to be honest, I don't want further testing for him. I do not want more labels. Here is why... in the UK, where we spent most of the summer holiday, he went to an adventure playground most days - a facility provided by the local council in a poor part of the town where there is a high level of special needs kids. I told them J had ADHD from the beginning and this was also told to the other kids in various situations. Well, yesterday when he was playing in a playground here in Marrakesh, he got quickly into a nasty confrontation with some kids who go to the American school here and so spoke English... Something about they wouldn't let him go past on some of the play equipment and he began screaming at them and swearing (cursing), using the F word... He started shrieking to me "Mummy, they don't know I'm HYPERACTIVE and that I've GOT PROBLEMS!!" They must have been saying this at the playground in the UK and... I've never heard him say anything like this. He is using it as a crutch and an excuse and it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy if it continued.
    I went over to make peace with the girls and he ended up playing with them in friendly, co-operative fashion so that was something at least. I also told him it was nonsense that he couldn't speak to people politely because he has ADHD... and to be frank, like I say, I don't want to use that label to him at all for the moment. Let alone add others!
    He is really very unsettled, spinning around between three cultures and languages. We need to stay put and to see how things develop in the context of stability, as you say.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I think if he had ADHD only he would not have so much trouble, but certainly this is your decision to make. But if he is getting worse, certainly something needs to be done. I do not believe he is deliberately being disobedient. I think he has issues that make complying with social norms hard for him.

    Here's a big hug and hoping he DOES get better and things go more smoothly. It is interesting that boy difficult children often prefer playing with girls and adults. And almost all difficult children, when young, prefer adults. I think this is because adults are more forgiving of social errors. Give J. a big hug from his board auntie. How do you think he likes Morocco?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    No matter what all you are dealing with in J, THIS is critical.
    Develop your daily and weekly routines, bring stability and order and predictability. THEN see how things are.
    It's just... not fun to deal with all of the transition.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree, stability and structure need to be added quickly. Adhe'ers don't like all the "open spaces".

  9. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Yes, my language project is showing its drawbacks... J speaks French, English and is fast learning Arabic, which will surely help him in the future, but... he does not really know who or where he is. The UK is not really a great place to bring kids up - there's so much bad language, aggression, gang mentality, lack of respect, etc. It wasn't really a great influence for J.
    It"s the fact that he's got so dramatically worse so quickly that is concerning. He had some terrible meltdowns this summer... much bigger and more frightening than he's ever had. And I am definitely seeing the pitfalls in my talking to him about him being ADHD - and even in telling people straight away. It caused more problems than it solved, I think. Really food for thought.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    At 6, it's normal that he "doesn't know who he is". He's had much upheaval in his short life but bigger than that, at his age he believes he is the center of the universe. As kids begin to go to school, I'm talking kindergarden and higher, they begin to learn the lesson that they are not the center and what is best for the group is what makes decision, not what is best for them. It is a natural part of life made more difficult for many of our difficult children.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with your difficult child knowing about his adhd. My difficult child knew from the very beginning; it was part of the whole rode to success - along with behavior mod at home, BIP at school, medications, weekly and then monthly talk therapy, and much more. He knew because he had to do things differently from his peers. He acted differently from the other students, he handled and processed things differently than the other students, and talking to him about his challenges and how to work on them was the beginning of making him aware. If they aren't aware they can't react change.

    It's how you say not what you say. It's not giving him an excuse for his behavior it's showing him how to change his behavior.

    There are hundreds of thousands of difficult children that are raised in tough or unsupportive cultures. It's what we do with what we are given that makes the difference. Most of our difficult child's behaviors get worse before they get better as they begin to age. It's one of the reasons that early intervention is so very important.

    Here's hoping for a more productive school year.


  11. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Thanks, that's helpful. There's certainly been a big change in J's own relationship to the ADHD. Whereas before the summer he got very upset when I talked about him having it or being different in some ways, now he says to me "It's because I'm hyperactive," to explain some of his behaviour - in ways that are quite perceptive, actually.
    What I now see so clearly is that he needs so much guidance and help and input when it comes to social relationships - not to boss so much, not to touch people and things all the time, to share more readily, etc. And then his outbursts... these have got really worse over the summer. A Moroccan friend we called at the other day was shocked and horrified because he had a big meltdown when we there, talked about her own little boy being "contaminated" by his behaviour. I tried to explain about ADHD but she made a big deal about him just being a bad egg... she's a nurse, too. It's cultural and ignorance but it's clear we're not welcome there any more. It's really sad for J. He's actually desperate to make friends but of course all his ADHD stuff gets in the way. This kind of rejection can only make things worse of course.
    At the same time, the move to Morocco is right, I feel. He is fast learning Arabic and seeing his dad and family. This is where he came from, it is right he should connect to here. Some people are more tolerant and accepting, some more rigorous and judgemental like my friend (ex friend?). We need, he needs stability, of course and I hope we are here for the duration now.