Antisocial Personality Disorder Parenting Strategies

[GlassPaws55]

Hi. I have a 24 year old son who has brain damage from a stroke and Auditory Processing Disorders (APD). He is argumentative, combative, narcissistic, and has no insight as to how impaired he is. I kicked him out of the house on New Years Eve for the eighth and last time. He would not obey any of our house rules, parties with the worse bunch of younger kids, is verbally abusive, self medicates with pot and alcohol, is not medication compliant (he sells the pills to others), cannot keep a job, and can drive a sane person crazy in under a minute. We have tried everything-parent effectiveness training, counseling, behavior modification, a school for the behaviorally disturbed, residential housing, early intervention program, 10 psychiatric hospitalizations, a variety of medications. Nothing works. He is the most unpleasant person to deal with. Does anyone have any strategies that might work? My husband and I are on our last nerve. I finally got him Social Security disability and just applied for SSI. We have him at a seedy motel in our home town which I am paying for until his benefits come in. His benefits will not be enough to pay for the hotel let alone his living expenses.I am his representative payee as he has racked up $10,000+ in debts and cannot be trusted to handle his money. I see an endless round of battles coming when the money comes in. I am losing here folks! I feel like I fell down the Alice in Wonderland hole and can't get out. Please help.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi GP, welcome. I'm so sorry you are going through this will your son. You're in a difficult situation. You've done a lot to get him to 'healthy dependence,' with the SSD and SSI. You might want to contact NAMI (national alliance on mental illness) they provide wonderful support for families. Are you in contact with Social Services? It sounds as if you need guidance on how the system works and how it may or may not be able to help you. I understand and have empathy for your feelings, it's a difficult road. I hope you and your husband are getting some support, because this is very draining on families. Therapy or counseling, support groups, anywhere where you can get the support and the tools you need to carry on and get to a place where you feel good. There is an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, you might want to read that.

For many of us the road really becomes about us identifying exactly what we are willing to do and what we aren't and then setting very strict boundaries around that. It sounds as if you've done much of that. Once his SSI is available and you are aware of how much money he has, perhaps he can live on his own with his own money and whatever else you are willing to help with. It's difficult when they have brain damage, because they really are impaired. Only you can figure out what you are willing to do and what you can live with.

My advice is to find support for you, find a place you are safe and can vent and release some of the feelings you have as well as get some guidance on how you can proceed. For me that was the biggest helpful tool I gave myself, SUPPORT. So I could learn what my needs were above the drama of the situation and my mother's heartstrings, to learn tools to detach and feel good about my decisions and to understand that there is only so much I can do, so much is out of my control......... and to learn to let go. There is a level of peace one can find in the midst of chaos that has to do with acceptance of what we really can do and what we can't do. The serenity prayer is a good reference point to help one get back on that track.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You've done a lot. Once he is set up with his financial foundation, with support for you, it may be the time for you to learn to detach from him in ways you haven't already. I wish you peace.

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome and ((((hugs))))

You've landed in the right place.

I'm not sure how much can actually be done to "help" your son if the anti-social behavior is the result of a brain injury. medications might help if he would actually take them. Notice I said *might*.

But Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) or not......he has to make the decision to take the medications himself, to want to do better than he is doing right now. And you're right, he may not be capable of seeing there is a problem at all.

RE gave good advice. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

 

[JJJ]

Have you looked into getting him an institutional payee or a public guardian?

 

[BusynMember]

Doesn't he also qualify for Section 8 housing in a assisted living apartment? My son does. After all, your son has brain damage, which is probably why he is like he is. As vile as he is behaving, doesn't sound like it's his fault and there are places for adults with disabilities and they don't cost you anything. Did you get him into community services? Does he have a casewalker?

 

[buddy]

I think nami is a good option and another is your state's brain injury alliance. They have case workers too.

I wonder if having joint guardianship with the county would help? They could compel a secure living situation and "help" him become medication compliant. Your being still involved can help ensure he doesn't get lost in the system.

You may be past being able to emotionally handle that and that would be understandable.

My son is brain injured too. He has a MA waiver which adds a budget for non MA covered services, that can include housing when he's ready (he's only 16). There are waiting lists for most waivers but people are pushed ahead if they are going to cost the county more in other ways. Even if there's a years long waiting list it's worth it because he's still going to be brain injured down the road.

Does he have a county case manager? Our county uses public health nurses to case manage Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).

Just ideas, I know everywhere is different but thought I'd throw out options in case.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. He sounds very dangerous to himself, and our society doesn't handle neuro-behavioral disabilities well.

I feel for you.....hugs.