Ant's first week

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by antsmom, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Ant is still in the local county jail awaiting transport to one of the 27 PA state penitentiaries.

    His first 48 hours were in lockup as all are newcomers. He was given Ativan for a week but is not allowed any more antidepressants until they are prescribed by a psychiatrist. there is a ten dollar fee and a six month waiting period to see one. (same as any of the other county jails ant was ever in) so, he is not getting anything for anxiety.

    after the 48 hr period he was added into the general population. they are let out of cells 730am to 9pm. nothing to do. rap music is on the TV all day long (he hates that.) he read a book. his cellmate is a lifer who is in town for another hearing. this guy told ant not to talk to anyone in state and watch his back. several men have knife scars from being in state prisons in PA. they call camp hill, the place he will go for H E L L.

    he has met three other guys with whom he was in glen Mills when he was 16. All three are in for murder charges, awaiting trials. the guy who mugged him with a gun and stole 500.00 from him in June is in another pod so he cannot have contact with ant. he must have mugged someone who finally turned him in. good.

    he is hungry as the food is minimal (again-same as in the 3 other county jails). inmate's families must send more money in for more food if they want it. they are overcharged for the extra food-example-one pack of ramen noodles is a dollar. I have sent him no money but his own as he is starved and wants to buy more food. (again-same in other counties)

    from a news article:

    the phone calls are a dollar a minute here and must be paid ahead to Inmate Telephone Service online. he has called a few times. he is very sad and depressed. he keeps to himself and talks to no one. he is afraid of going to state. his days are long.

    some girls still call each day to my house looking for him. no one has written to him but me. he has called no one but me and one time to my mom as no one wants to pay for his calls. he cannot call cellphones.

    I have not visited and won't or a while. he will problem be moved next week to another place. they transport on tuesdays and thursdays but will not tell you which day you are going for security reasons.

    I did talk to his PO and Ant knows it and wanted me to do so. she is not going to violate him in the other county where he is on probation. she will simply put his probation and fines on hold til he gets out. she said when he gets out he can call and start up serving the remaining two years of probation in that county and restart paying his fines.

    to sum it up:
    county one-2 yrs probation and still 6000.00 in unpaid fines from 2001 DUI
    county two-off probation and 700.00 in fines still from DUI in 2003
    new county-one to two yrs in prison and fines yet to be announced and probation for 2007 DUI.
    the fourth county all fines are paid up and probation is over for his 2002 DUI there.

    What is really sad is that Ant told me he doesnt want to hear about God and doesnt believe in all that. he has said this when in trouble before. I pray God lets Ant know that HE believes in Ant.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Janet, I am sad for you to have to go through this again. I know it is not affecting your entire being like it did in the past, but it still has to harden you a little. He is your baby boy.

    HUGS!! I hope your boyfriend is extra sweet to you tonight!
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I truly hope Ant gets through his two years safely. More importantly, I hope he finds some peace while he is there and truly changes his life around this time. You and his son deserve this.

    Take care of you.
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My heart is just breaking for you.

    Two years is a long time, and God has angels everywhere. You never know who he may put in Ant's life to save him.

    We just keep praying.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Janet, I am so sorry for you and Ant. It's just stupidity. He isn't a dedicated criminal. He is just drunk and stupid. If he could skip the substance abuse, he would be a lot less stupid.

    I know it isn't that simple. I'm not making light of ant's inability to learn from mistakes and his lack of perserverance.(I have one of my own with different stupid mistakes)

    I think you ought to write this in big bold letters and send it to Ant:

    o sum it up:
    county one-2 yrs probation and still 6000.00 in unpaid fines from 2001 DUI
    county two-off probation and 700.00 in fines still from DUI in 2003
    new county-one to two yrs in prison and fines yet to be announced and probation for 2007 DUI.
    the fourth county all fines are paid up and probation is over for his 2002 DUI there.

    There is no reason for him not to see the future because of DUI. If a daughter hit a car with his son in it, he would be the first to explode in anger. He just doesn't see other people's kids as just as important.

    Anyhow, I hope this will be the last time for him. He is mad that he got his wings clipped. Blaming you, God, or whatever thing he thinks of doesn't matter. It gives him someone else to blame besides himself.

    It truly makes me so sad to see him do this to himself over and over.
  6. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Ditto what the others have said, especially BBK. You're in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong!
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Janet your description of where ant is and his surroundings are eerily familiar as this is the way it was for my oldest difficult child when he started his "time" a year and half ago. Man it's depressing.

    Big hugs and care going out to you. I know ant is angry right now but it will subside in time he will adjust and start thinking again, especially when he "drys out" from the alcohol.

    I'm so sorry that this is where ant is right now but I too believe like BBK that there are people that can be brought into ants life even in Jail/prison that can help him think and make some kind of positive impact. Never know what ant will bring toward himself even there...I saw this with my oldest difficult child and one or two guys that he chose to have as "friends" while locked up.

    Enjoy baby kaleb when you can snuggle up to boyfriend and of course you know already this too shall pass And ant is a survivor, he will be okay.

    You are strong and also a survivor in so many ways.
    love to you and yours,
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    it does still affect me. I dont lie in bed and pull the covers over like in the past, but I did feel the pain intensely for the first 4 or 5 days: the sadness, the futility, the loss of family again.
    I hate when any of my sons suffer. I want that to end.
    the other thing is that jails/prisons are so bad. there are no programs in county jails. no help at all.

    so much is true of the conditions, the guards, the empty isolated feelings of inmates forgotten by the world. families are extra-burdened with the expense and if they dont have money, their loved ones suffer.

    prisoners are not seperated whether they are DUIs or murderers, rapists except in extreme cases. there are tons of mentally ill people there receiving no services for their illnesses.

    ant is not stupid. he is an alcoholic. when drinking, he loses his sense of reasoning. he is aware of what his drinking has cost him but is unable to stop it. it is a disease..a DIS ease.

    he sees life thru a much darker glass, he feels anxious most of the time, his mind doesnt work like a lot of us. he sees people differently than we do and they are not of much use unless they can somehow ease his pain of life.

    From his first cry at birth I was conditioned to tend to his needs, I am past that since he is older, but still longing for him to get the help he desperately needs and for him to have faith and hope and peace.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Janet I am so sad for you and for Ant. Yes, he put himself where he is but like you said he does have a disease and he does not process the world as we do. That said, I believe it was you who told me that there were more opportunities for inmates in the state prisons than in the county ones. Maybe Ant will get into a program there and eventually get some educational classes that will make his life easier when he gets out. One can hope. And one can pray both of which I will continue to do for you and him.

    Our boys are alot alike. Mine hasn't given up on God but he is still waiting to be rescued by the Almighty instead of rescuing himslef with God's grace and guidance.I am constantly telling my difficult child to turn to God when he is uncertain or tempted. He doesn't get that yet. He waits until he has gotten into trouble and then prays for a way out of it. I think Ant takes it one step further and when God doesn't rescue him from his bad choices he turns away from his beliefs. Writing to Ant while he is in jail is a good way to teach. He is a captive audience and because he is bored and doesn't have many other people writting to him he will read your letters. If I were you I would gradually and gently try to make Ant see that he needs to take a different approach both to life and toward God. I would also suggest to him in a few months that he look into taking a couple of courses.
    Even if he never uses them they will help pass the hours and boost his self esteem. -RM
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I never said that-- that I remember. in fact, I dont believe it will be any better when he is in state prison esp here in PA. in talking to 3 former inmates (cousins) I found it to be as bad if not worse for them. not enough food, dangerous inmates, no classes help or programs. he will have to work and will get pennies for it. two cousins were beat up in state prison, one so bad he was hospitalized. guards turned their heads.

    I hope I am wrong about all this and will soon find out. I am very aware of the county jails in Butler, Beaver, Warren and Allegheny County. ALL bad, no programs, overcrowded, illegal drugs infiltrating the jail brought in by guards and kitchen workers, no psychiatric help, no anti-anxiety medications or counseling, danger, hunger except in Butler Co, there they feed them well but have more times in the hole. Not one was a help in educating my son in any way.

    the one state prison I had hoped he would get in is in Pittsburgh and was to be for a limited amount of substance abuse or alcoholic prisoners. I have since found out that it is new and not doing well, and the bldg is still archaic.

    part of a local news article on that facility:

  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    PS I did write to my state senator about the phone call monopoly and excessive fees.
    from the news:

  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Janet, please forgive the terminology. I did not mean to imply that Ant is stupid IQ wise. He isn't. He is making stupid choices because of the alcohol.
    I look at why he is in jail and I shake my head. Despite the danger, he puts himself and others in, he hasn't taken a life or robbed a bank or done a home invasion. It just seems so much for DUI yet it's not enough to change the behavior.

    I apologize profusely if I caused you more aggravation. I really wanted to be supportive but I don't have experience with alcohol or jail. Maybe I said it wrong. My experience is with a different kind of disease and disability.

    I sincerely hate to see any of our kids in jail or in the hospital.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know that this is devastating for you. I am so sorry that ant couldn't learn from his earlier mistakes. I pray that he will learn this time and will not put you through this again. I am so sorry that the conditions are so bad and contact is so expensive.

    I hope the calls from the girls stop soon.


  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Fran, I can feel that you share in my frustration in his actions while drunk. I want to wring his neck myself but literally I have done that with no results either.

    I think I need to become a prison activist but know that will only bring more pressure on him while he is in the system. once more, my hands are tied. I know he has to be confined as he broke the law, but why does he have to also be starved and mentally tortured by not being able to communicate unless I am robbed by the Inmate Telephone System?? dogs in the humane society are better treated. they charge $2.50 to mail you a bill so I pay online, here is an example of the calls billed to me:

    Date Time Description Facility Minutes Amount

    09:08 AM
    5 minutes -$5.25

    08:32 AM
    2 minutes -$2.53

  15. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I can't seem to find the right words to let you know how sorry I am for you, for ant, for Caleb...

    Even though ant doesn't believe in God right now, please know, like so many others, I'm praying for your son...I'm praying that God keeps him safe...I'm praying that ant manages to turn his life around even while in such miserable surroundings...

    I wish I could find the words to let you know how sorry I am...My heart is breaking for you, for ant, and for Caleb...

    Sending lots of cyber hugs...WFEN

  16. Janet I've been following your saga with Ant since back when he was in Glen Mills. Your undying love and faith in Ant has always been an inspiration.

    But I'm not sorry that his vacation is not cushy and comfy. Perhaps he'll think twice. I know he's an alcoholic and that is the root of his problem. Alcoholism or not, he could have been driving under the influence down the same road I travel with my kids. I can't pity someone that knowingly jeopardizes my family.

    I'm sorry if my words sound harsh but please recognize that they are directed to Ant. You Janet have my sympathy and empathy.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Do you say "He's not here, but I have his cell phone. I like to be able to put a face with a name, are you the blonde who sent pictures of her hoo-hoo, or the red-head who sent pictures of her ta-ta's? Or maybe you're the limber brunette who was able to send a picture of both?"

    Hope it calms down soon.
  18. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    Oh Janet, so sorry, so terrible.

    I wish so much that there was help out there for your son and mine, on terrible mistakes they make while under the influence. There should be something and I wish there was as you know I may be in your similar circumstances. It's terrible, I feel for you every day.

    It's not right they charge so much money, what about the poor mothers whose sons are in there and they cannot afford a collect call? They never get to talk to them? I just don't understand, how is this rehabilitating??? Our justice system stinks, there are murderers walking the streets, enjoying their lives. Our kids make terrible choices while drinking or doing drugs, when that should be the main focus. Help these people so they stay out of jails and prisons. That's why PA prisons are so crowded. They do nothing but cage them like animals, and you are right, dogs would be treated better if not you know there would be a lot of noise about that, where are all the advocates??? Would it make it harder, can you be anonomous? (sp???)

    Did you get any feedback from your letter? probably don't hold your breath sort of thing.

    I'm so sorry.
  19. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    My thoughts go out to you while going through this. Keep your chin up.

  20. Star*

    Star* call 911


    It was hardest thing so far for me to allow anyone else to be in control of my sons destiny, food, safety and I still struggle with the day to day events.

    I am his Mom, I am to raise, nurture, release and protect always. When they are in jail OUR rights as Mother's are stripped. That's a very harsh and hard thing to swallow.

    I try to tell myself daily when I talk to God "He was yours before he was born, and you placed him in my hands as a gift. I did the very best I knew how and now I must give him back to you and put him in your hands." A very small human part of me wants to follow that up with - SO YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM YOU HEAR ME?

    Then I realize - HE will. Just hard to convince me of anything anymore where my son is concerned. I wanted so much more - but I realize it's what I wanted...not what God wants.

    My heart goes out to you really. May Ant find the peace at last he seeks that he torments himself through struggle to see - wherever he is.