Any advice on my serious depression

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jul 13, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Or I think it is depression. Something is really not right.

    I feel silly asking anyone about this, really - because I feel like I know about every single thing I should do, when I am depressed - but I feel like I have pursued so many avenues in the past for my depression, and none of them have worked - that I feel hopeless. But I digress.

    I am just physically and mentally so depressed. Bored. Absolutely nothing has meaning anymore. And I mean nothing. Not one thing I used to like to do. To the extent that this guy that I go out with from time to time, that I have a mad crush on, asked me out the other night - and I did not want to go. Seriously made me realize that something is different/wrong. I don't like to read anymore, or even watch TV. I mean nothing has interest. It is like someone presenting an all you can eat buffet of every single food possible, and it all looks like bananas to me. Everyone else is gorging themselves and laughing and having fun eating these delights - but it all looks like bananas to me.

    Today I sit on my day off, absolutely bored, disinterested in anything, anyone, even difficult child, the way the house looks, etc. Another friend asked me over, and I don't want to go. I tried to go to Costco and had a panic attack. I still go to work, and am able to put on my "happy work face", so I guess that counts for a lot. But yet, I don't remember a time when I felt so bored, disengaged from life.

    Granted. The guys who asked me out, usually has a one track mind - so maybe I am protecting myself. And granted it is 102, so who wants to do anything when even the Ligustrum is drooping. And granted the death of H has impacted me in ways unspeakable, and I have a new boss at work that is stressful, and difficult child is not doing well, and my parents are on some hairbrained trip paddling the waters of Alaska and volcanoes are going off.

    However, even all of that minutia does not seem to account for this overall horrible, blah feeling. OK, truthfully, I am sipping wine at 2 in the afternoon it is that bad.

    But what do I do? I have seen psychiatrists, and tried many medications.
    My t-doctor is out of town - but she will help when she is back.
    I do know I need to go to a doctor for a physical. And I need to make friends, join things, exercise.
    The huge caveat is that:
    I can't figure out a way to make myself do these things!!!!!

    Any advice is welcome. I am depleted of any resources. I am so depressed I don't even want to sleep. Really I have never felt this way.:sick:
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    I struggled for years with depression and finally *really* bottomed out and ended up in the hospital. Found an outstanding therapist, did a lot of cognitive therapy, and things are better. It takes a pretty constant effort to do the positive self-talk but... beats how things were.

    When things start sliding, I get back to basics. One goal a day. Sometimes it's just taking a shower and putting my face on, which is not always a given when I'm really depressed. For me, I find that that can help snowball stuff. For example, as I put my face on, I notice the sink needs to be washed, then the rest of the bathroom, and I accomplish something, which lifts that paralyzing depression just a smidge. It's sometimes a real battle to get that one thing accomplished but I really force myself.

    You've suffered such a major loss. It is going to take time. When my daughter died, it was probably a solid 5 years before I started to get back to anything approaching normal (I was vehemently against therapy at the time, so I only made it worse, I'm sure). I think you're doing the right things - it is going to take time.

    One thing - just force yourself to accomplish one thing. Sometimes it's a real physical challenge to do it but... get stubborn and do it. ;) Maybe today the one thing should be going over to your friend's house.

    I don't know if this will help you, but it has helped me.

    A gentle hug to you, hon.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Like Sue, when I'm sliding fast toward bottom.......or suddenly find myself there, I also do the one goal per day thing. Doesn't even necessarily have to be something useful. Just to do one thing for the purpose of doing it.

    Another thing, when I'm in the depths, I tend to avoid others to the point of isolation. Worst thing possible. If I'd been single, I might never have come out of the depressions. Because family has played a vital role in not allowing me to completely isolate myself.

    There have been many times when just forcing myself to bathe is my one thing for the day. I know it sounds gross, but bathing is just not important when I'm in the depths.

    I have discovered along the way that being around little ones helps. (at least for me) I can't stay blah around a child under three, even if the depression is severe. And the little smiles they manage to pull out of me seem to help me on my way back up.

  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sue and Lisa have some great suggestions. I love the One Thing A Day idea. I've gone back to that after giving birth, after having the flu, and being depressed. It really helps.
    Have you changed medications in the last cpl mo's? Maybe Lexapro isn't right for you. Also, the medications won't make you jump for joy, but they are supposed to even things out.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I would have to agree with the others. I have a friend that lost her mega easy child child as a result of the actions of a drunk driver. Her husband suffered severe long term depression and although her depression was deep, she didn't go as deep nor did it last as long. What she did was get the help of a top notch therapist, almost immediately. The first one was not ideally suited for her, so she got the help of another and I think a few years later, switched again. She might continue to go for a very long time, her loss was severe and she knows it. She also knows it is helping her.

    Additionally, also like the others have said, I agree...when great losses take their toll and one feels try to get to a Dr. right away to try an antidepressant. Then, simply put one foot in front of another and if nothing else, get one thing (other than work) done each day...slowly moving to two things, etc. I know it is but a drop in the bucket (but I do believe all these drops eventually fill the bucket), but I do hope if you are not doing so already, that you will take a B50 vitamin tablet to make sure you are getting these vitamins that are said to help with depression/energy and stress.

    I hope this is a better week for you.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I also echo the one thing a day.

    2 years ago (about May 2006) I started getting sick. My monthlies were lasting 3 weeks, one week off, and then coming back for 3 weeks again. And they were heavy. So heavy that I was afraid to stand up because I was scared that I would leak. I was so weak I would fall over. It got so bad that my blood pressure at one time was 70/40.

    By Nov 2006 my doctor gave me something that worked.
    The medicine stopped the bleeding completely. But she did not mention the side effects. What she gave me was a hormone that is usually given to breast cancer patients. I put on 50 pounds in a matter of a few months. I was horrified.

    Then in June of last year, I got VERY sick with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). I was in the hospital for a week. The good news is that when I left the hospital, I quit smoking. The bad news is, I gained another 50 lbs over that summer.

    Lat summer and fall I was in such an unbearably deep depression. I was almost agoraphobic. I was petrified at the thought of leaving my house. I had gotten so big and I was so embarrassed. I did not want to be seen in public at all, and I found any way I could to get out of it.

    Last winter came and I was in my glory. I did not HAVE to leave the house very often, and when I did, I was all covered up in heavy clothes and a big coat. But I knew that spring would be along soon and summer before I knew it. When spring hit, I MADE myself do things out of the house. It was hard, it hurt, and I cried a lot. But I MADE myself take Tink to the park. I MADE myself go to the mall. Little by little, one thing at a time.

    I am still not comfortable in my own skin, but I have gotten to the point this summer where I take Tink to the pool almost every day. Yep. In a swimsuit. I get my big fat butt in that pool right along with everyone else. It took practice. It took a lot of self talking. It took me believing that I have every right to be in public as the next guy.

    Try to do one thing at a time. Plan on it a day or so ahead of time. Play the scenario in your head. Let the tape play all the way through. Tell yourself how good it will be for you, and down the line, how good it will be for your son. Then try something else. Find out what interests you. Just keep trying.

    I am sorry for your hurting heart. I wish you were here so I could give you a hug.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Awesome advice from everyone else. I just wanted to throw in my little nugget about scheduling stuff on my calendar, appointments, things like that. If I am EXPECTED to be somewhere for something it's usually enough to get me out of the house for that one thing. Like a doctor's appointment, dentist appointment, hair cut, taking a difficult child somewhere, whatever. Or even an appointment for someone like a repair person to come to the house -- that means I have to get dressed, wash my face, maybe even brush my teeth....

    But baby steps, definitely. Otherwise it's too easy to get overwhelmed and just turtle back under the covers.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Steely -

    I read this thread earlier and have been trying to come up with answers for you. But, I really can't add to anything anyone has said.

    You just keep putting one foot in front of another.

    I've been going up and down the depression scale the last few weeks myself. Yesterday I managed to change the litter boxes. And that's only because they stank. And that's all I managed to do. Well, I did take a shower last night, but that's only because I felt scuzzy.

    Today I finally kinda cleaned up the kitchen. There was literally no counter space left - and I have a ton of counter space - and almost every dish was dirty. I have 2 full sets of dishes and flatware. How gross is that. I normally can't stand to be in a dirty house but I haven't been able to bring myself to care.

    However, I did feel better after doing it. It wasn't this overjoyed, I'm no longer depressed thing. But, I felt a sense of accomplishment. A little empowered. It is nice to not feel like my house is disgusting.

    And now I'm bored and sleepy, but can't sleep. Nothing sounds any good. No food, no chore, no book, no music, no tv, no walking, no nothing.

    I understand where you're at. I wish I had something profound that I could say and would be all the answers that you need. I wish I had that for me, too.

    The others really gave good advice. We just have to keep plugging along.

    BBK - Way to go, girl!!!!! I am in awe of you. You're my hero. :)
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Hmmm, a lot of us in the same sort of boat. Yuck. Same thoughts as all of the others. If I let myself slip too far, well, I am gone for weeks. So I try to kick myself in the butt if I see it coming. When I start not wanting to leave the house, all of that fun stuff. I force myself out, I make myself garden... sometimes it works. When it doesn't i run to my doctor. The walks, the swimming, all of that. it usually works. This last time N and i went to a botanical garden... so nice. It helped a bit to.
    i know you have so much more on your mind. Hang in there, I am thinking of you.
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen I went to work AND did a load of laundry. Woohoo!! Ok, it's still sitting in the washer, but that is the first step. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually dry it. Actually NO. I'm not doing anything tomorrow. It is truly my one day off. I'm going to get a manicure, pedicure, massage, watch a movie, have a great dinner. Yeah...that's going to happen!!

    Shoot. I think dummy roomate Dave put it in the dryer so it's probably crispy fried by now. I can hear it running downstairs. Foiled again.

    Honestly Steely, I have no advice as I'm running the same game. It's 1:30am and I'm up again from this constant stuff. I just try to keep a positive outlook, a sense of humor, and a one day goal.

    Now...I'm going to check on my crispy clothes. Actually I'm not. They can wait. I'm going to attempt bed again.

  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    The one goal a day is a wonderful plan.....

    You've suffered a horrific loss, one with no real closure. You seem haunted as most of us would be. I expect with time this will lessen. Have you found a survivor's group?

    Above are a few links that may or may not help you find others who are in your shoes.

    Gentle (((((Hugs))))) to you this morning.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    Linda said what I was going to add - find a support group for yourself so you can share with others who have been going through things similar to you. Losing H was HUGE and in adding all those other stressors to your life, I really think you need more support to help you find a way to cope and move forward in your life. Please look into the links Linda provided and see if there is a group you can connect with asap.

    Sending more gentle hugs your way.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Try to love yourself and accept that you are depressed and that it's ok. Know we love you so much. I like the one goal, one day at a time philosophy.

    If there is anything I can do, please let me know.


  14. Christy

    Christy New Member

    You've gotten some good advice so far. The "one more thing each day" advice is a great suggestion. I just wanted to offer a (((hug)))) and cheer you on as you make steps to overcome your depression.

  15. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member


    I have no words of advice...just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today, Steely? Do you have an appointment with-the dr?

    Congrats, BBK!

    Abbey, WHAT did your roomate put in the dryer? Oh, clothes ... the first sentence said "it" and I lost the thread ...
  17. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ha! He actually put my load of laundry in there. (Now I have to iron.) Should have thrown himself in there.

  18. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!


    From one who HAS hit the ultimate bottom and is starting to come out on the other side, I have to take one minute at a time, most days, some days I can handle one hour at a time.

    Today is a BAD day for me, I am trying hard to think of something positive to write to you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

    I have started a journal. It is really helpful. I write down when I think of positive stuff and the things I was doing when they came to mind. I also keep track of the "ugly" thoughts, and what I was doing when those came to mind. At first, most of the stuff in there was negative. I must have been at that same buffet as you, as everything was BANANAS!! But this past week, there have been some positives that have been great!

    Doesn't help that I lost my therapist and psychiatrist due to stupid insurance issues. UGH!!! Trying to work that out, but today is NOT the day I can deal with anything like that.

    Anyways, just want you to know that I get it. I did not lose my sister, like you did, but I nearly lost my own life due to this stupid, overwhelming depression.

    Hugs and love,
  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks guys. Your posts, suggestions, and life stories are really inspiring to me. I thought about them a lot, throughout the day today. Each and every one of you. THANK YOU.

    (Really, you would not have believed what a hateful thing an employee said to me. I was stunned, stupified, I could only sit there, and spin - and breathe through it. I really, really need a new career. But that is another story.)

    As you guys say. One minute/step/chore at a time.

    My cousin sent me the new quote at the bottom of my sig. It says it all so well.

    And yes, I got a dr appointment. But have not touched base yet with t-doctor. She always leaves town at the worst times. Seriously.

    And my blood pressure has after years of being controlled, gone off the charts. I am pretty worried, and wonder if that could be making the depression worse. I have an appointment Thurs with a doctor.

    Again, thanks - and many hugs.
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nothing new to add-just sending hugs and prayers your way.:angel2: