Any experience? Any helpful advice?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TeDo, Oct 18, 2012.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am at a loss and would like to hear from those that have been there done that and/or have ideas. My kids are of the frame of mind that doing something "back" to a person (that you didn't like) will make that person stop doing it. The only problem is that it is totally lost when they do this to each other. Neither of mine can take the other person's point of view so "paybacks" don't work, they just make things worse. I've been telling them and trying to teach alternatives for a few years now. NOTHING is working. I've even tried to explain that if you want someone to stop doing something, the LAST thing they should do is do the same thing back. Why should they stop when you're doing it too. Know what I mean?? I just don't know what else to do/try/teach???? Any ideas?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wish I could help you with this. I don't know what ever got through Wiz' head on this subject, but somehow he stopped. I think maybe he just grew up or else he got sick of my dad going on and on each time he was boneheaded about this kind of thing.

    I just always tried to deal with whatever it was, and if paybacks were involved they had to deal with MY payback which generally involved a long, booooooring lecture (specifically designed to be boring in the extreme) and a couple of hours of hard labor, usually out in the OK heat. For the younger two it took 1-2 times and they didn't go there anymore that I found out.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am with Suz. I think it just takes time. The frontal lobe is not connected all the way for yet anothe decade for your kids. All you can do is show, role model, and issue consequences - but the majority of it falls on maturity. Sorry :(
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it really depends on what you are talking about. Are you talking about physical stuff like one tripping the other just to get a reaction out of the other?

    We had a huge problem where Cory couldnt walk by Jamie for years without Jamie somehow tripping, pushing, saying something snide under his breath, something...just to get Cory to react and go off and then Cory ended up being in trouble because of his huge over the top reaction and Jamie would sit there on the couch like "who me?" We normally didnt catch Jamie in the act. We just knew it was going on. I begged Cory to not react so I could catch Jamie and punish him for what he did but Cory simply wasnt capable of doing that.

    I used to finally send them outside to work out their issues by themselves and not come back inside until someone was either bloody or dead. I didnt much care which. Now they knew I didnt quite mean that but they would go outside and argue for a bit but finally got bored doing that and found something they wanted to do together.

    Now if its something else entirely like they are taking each others stuff then I think I would make them give it back, write a letter of apology and then also give something else of their own or a monetary fine to the offended party as restitution. If they have used the item up...say gum, candy or whatever, then they have to give back twice the cost of the product along with the letter.

    If they are arguing, maybe they need to study in their home schooling a unit on empathy. Cory never quite understood how we felt about being stolen from by him until a friend of his broke into his home and stole from him. Then he got a taste of what it felt like to have someone you trusted break that trust. he actually apologized to me and said he couldnt imagine how much worse it would be for the person who stole to be your own child.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I just repeat, "Two wrongs don't make a right," and discipline both of them. I had to discipline easy child yrs ago because of things like that, and also, difficult child, because he thought he could pay me back when I did typical mom stuff. He didn't understand or see me as an authority figure.

    I tend to point out things during random, teachable moments, such as TV shows, or things I see at the mall.

    Sorry, don't know if that helps. I feel for you!
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    This is such classic difficult child logic that it needs to be in the "difficult child Handbook". My own difficult child feels exactly this way.

    I don't have any advice as to how to get them to see the error in this. In our home, we have meted out huge punishments for "revenge" behaviors (esp because the thing difficult child felt she needed revenge over was often minor, accidental, or made-up). This has helped curb this behavior in our home.

    Outside the home? difficult child continues to deliver payback to anyone whom she feels deserves it. One day, she is going to "payback" the wrong person...
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    "But HE started it/did it first!!!!" Yeah, I have heard that one time or two... :sigh:

    My difficult child's speciality are passive-aggressive, sly, backhanded, behind your back revenges. And those are never his fault, because the other person started it all.

    I have no advise. Gaining maturity seems to help a little, though.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    GFGisms? I think not.
    This is typical teen. Majorly.
    And yes, I'm dealing with it too.
    All day, every day - even at school (they both tell me).
    Except when one of them needs the other one's help.


    Anybody got some magic maturity potion to share?
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Anybody got some magic maturity potion to share?

    Me! Me! I need some for my difficult child! Me first! I'll pay extra! Wash your dishes! Give you a foot massage! Serve you chocolate! Prepare your bubblebath! First person to invent it wins a lifetime of everything good!
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I never got much past "He started it" out of my mouth as a kid. Why? My mother's reaction was "I don't care who started it. I am finishing it and you are both/all going to go clean/mow/scrub whatever until you are too worn out to irritate me with this nonsense." And she daughter make gfgbro, cousin, any friend who was with us, and I do hard physical chores. The one neighbor kid who tried to refuse to do the chore and was going to "tell" her mom on mine got the joy of having my mother walk her home and make her tell her mother what she had done, what my mother meted out for punishment and then tell her mom how she had talked back to my mom. The other mom sent her straight back to our home to do the chore and then made ehr do two chores at home.

    But our parents had all ganged up on us kids previously and we knew to expect that kind of thing. It is harder today because so many parents don't talk to each other or won't punish or give a consequence to their child, much less to someone else's.

    by the way, if the girlfriend is at your house iwth difficult child all the time, and you need Occupational Therapist (OT) talk to difficult child in private, why can't you send the girl home? Too bad, so sad, but if he wants her to be around him then he needs to behave. Otherwise she can just go home. It is YOUR house and it seems strange that you cannot send her home if you want to talk to difficult child in private.