Any help/advice is welcome

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sunkissedbum, May 12, 2009.

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  1. sunkissedbum

    sunkissedbum New Member

    I have an 18 year old daughter that is due to graduate this week (fingers crossed)!. We have had issues of defiance in the past when she was 14 and sneaking around with an 18 year old, yes..went to the authorities, pressed charges and got a restraining order against him. Then when she was 15, she found another 18 year old and started sneaking around with him...this boy had a previous criminal record and I yet again...pressed charges and restraining order. It's been a defiant roller coster ever since she was 14. The good times were good but boy the bad times are bad. The summer before she started her senior year she met this nice young man who was entering the Marines...she fell in love with him..and withstood a long distance relationship with him during basic training and for the next 10 months...seeing him during his leaves...and everything was going wonderfully....both with him and her interaction with us as a family. She set goals on what she wanted to do when she graduated and where she wanted to go to school and things were really really good in all aspects.
    About 3 weeks before she turned 18...things were starting to be different. She was staying up to all hours on the phone and computer. She then told me that she and her boyfriend were on a "break"...and things went downhill fast. I found out that she was cheating on her boyfriend with one of the boys that we had a restraining order against when she was 15....I told her that she has 2 options. To go to college without the criminal boyfriend and she has our total support or to move out if she chooses to be with the criminal boyfriend. He has caused so much disruption in our family....and he is loving all of this!
    Am I wrong to withhold support from her if she is with him??? He has a 26 page rap sheet and has just gotten out of jail. Please give me advise!!!!!
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Well, that would be enough for me to have a hissy. Any idea what she sees in this guy? The danger? She thinks she can "save" him?

    The kids on this message board tend to have been diagnosed with something or other. Other than being defiant, which is normal for a teen, has your daughter been diagnosed with anything...anything that might explain her behavior?

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our group. Any information about treatment or diagnosis that you might have would be very helpful. I would recommend that you not make any threats that you are uncomfortable carrying through.

    Is he on probation or parole? Is she going away to college? He won't be able to leave the area without permission if he's on parole. But if you tell her that you won't pay for college if she chooses him, will you be comfortable with it if she chooses him?
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. The one thing that stood out to me other than what the others have asked is..she says she is on "break" from this Marine. Does the Marine know this? Does this Marine know about this parole guy? If this Marine doesnt know or if he still has feelings for your dtr, I really wouldnt want to be this parole guy when and if the Marine comes home and finds all this out!
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    First of might be time for you to google a copy of the Serenity Prayer and read it.
    If you find yourself very stressed....therapy for yourself might not be a bad idea.
    Certainly...pick up a copy of Boundaries by Henry can get the pocket guide.
    Keep it in your purse for quick reference.

    Would your daughter be open to therapy?
    What about attending a Codependent group (CODA)?
    I would definately encourage her to go to for it...don't let it have a negative stigma. Tell her the leaving hs and entering college is stressful, etc.
    Does your daughter have a diagnosis?
    If so, is she taking her medication?
    Do you think she might have a significant disorder?
    If so, she might need to see a psychiatrist and might need medication. There is no shame here.
    She certainly could benefit from talk therapy and might also benefit from medical intervention.

    If she has brought much grief i(drama) nto the household due to her association with these boyfriends, I would SERIOUSLY hesitate to pay for college. On the other hand, if she is maintaining decent grades and you think she would continue to do so, I might really want to at least let her try college.

    You do have a dilemma on your hands.

    You might pay for college tuition for one semester as an experiment. Of course, if all goes would continue. Take it on a semester by semester basis. Hopefully, she will meet nice people at college and perhaps this will let her see that she has other opportunities available to her. So, I would keep this door open FOR NOW.

    Draw some boundaries with reference to defiant and ugly behavior at home.

    You can not micromanage her life at 18. However, you CAN tell her NOT to ler her poor choices interfere with YOUR life and your peace within your home.

    When she messes up, without emotion, ask for an apology. Explain the infraction gently and calmly. It is YOUR RIGHT.

    For example..."Last night, you brought home your boyfriend and both of you were very rude to me and left a mess in the kitchen. I fully expect an apology and for you to clean the kitchen by noon. Additionally, I do not expect this to ever happen again. Do you understand? Can we start with an apology?"

    Then tell her you expect an IMMEDIATE change. If you don't get ALL OF these things, then SERIOUSLY consider withholding your support (not your love or kindness...but your support).

    Bottom line: If her poor choices mess up your space, then I would tell her that you will no longer pay for her college...leaving the door a little case she she changes her mind.

    Don't pay for college semester after semester if she 1) repeatedly hangs out with these times of people and lets this interaction interfere with your life in some way or 2) makes horrible grades or 3) is rude to you or your signicant other or 4) all of the above. I am not saying to not have patience, but DRAW LINES AND MAINTAIN THEM. BOUNDARIES. In fact, if you go to amazon...there are good books on the subject of "boundaries," and the Henry Cloud book is a favorite.

    Additionally, if the drama is severe, I would also ask her to make alternative living not worry one bit about college. No point in her living at home if she is "into" melodrama and self destruction. Make an effort to draw boundaries, to provide college and to get her some therapy. If she is not open to these be it.

    She can pull you down with her and you can not let that happen. Are there other children in the home. This needs to be considered. I would always keep the door open for her to go to therapy. If college is not in the cards right now, I would always keep this door open...should she make better choices down the road.

    If the drama is severe...and it sounds like it might doubt about it....Google Families Anonymous...Read the Serenity Prayer...go to a "FA" meeting.

    Wishing you and your family well...hugs...most, if not all of us, understand.
    Lasted edited by : May 13, 2009
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    First. Don't make any threats to daughter you are not absolutely certain you can stick to. This only makes it worse as it gives her mixed messages.

    I thank my lucky stars that neither of my girls were attracted to the Bad Boy type.

    Has your daughter ever had a diagnosis?

    Now, I don't know all of the facts....just what you've posted. But I think I'd be sorely tempted to push, pull, drag your daughter off to college (especially if it's far away from this dude). If college is far enough away.......odds are she'll get interested in kids there and forget about this jerk.

    I'm guessing she's got a case of the absent boyfiriend. And of course jerk is front and center to ease that lonliness and empty spot while boyfriend isn't there.

    You know your daughter best. Sit down and thing of what you can and can not tolerate in her behavior. Make sure any consequences you come up with for inappropriate behavior (such as going with this jerk) you can follow thru on and live with.

    In the end........Daughter will have to choose. You can't do it for her. All you can do is not support a horrible decision.

    (((hugs))) and welcome to the board.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My Youngest dated loser after loser, and had a baby with one. I found that threats around her dating a loser, only pushed her to want to see him more. I did, however, make rules re MY home.. he was not allowed in my home, on my property. When she had a baby with a loser, I did amend that rule to be, he's not allowed in my home when I am not there. Called the cops when I found out he had violated that rule.

    As hard as it is, if she is choosing to throw away a good man for a bad one, that is really her own choice and responsibility, and she is the one that will have to suffer from it. Now, if that "suffering" boils over into your hosuehold? Then I'd deal with the specific behaviors and consequences for those, but I personally wouldn't push the buttons about who she's dating.
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree with Nomad. She nailed it right on the head. I would be concerned about the "rap sheet" guy too.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

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