Anybody seen my husband's frontal lobe anywhere?

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Because I could swear he must've left it someplace.This past week he has been unusually careless in his choice of words and he has said some pretty hurtful things that were clearly not well thought out in terms of impact on others or even accuracy. Tuesday he started telling difficult child 2 and I about his mother's wish for one of our kids to come spend a day with her and possibly spend the night. And in the same breath he turned to difficult child 2 and said, "Oh yeah, but she said probably not you because she can't control you and you get too wild for her."difficult child 2 and I just looked at him and then at each other with the same shocked expression. I said I couldn't believe he could say something like that OUT LOUD to difficult child 2, and did he realize how mean that was to say? And how could his MOTHER say such a thing? Then I reminded him that it was his MOTHER who was out of control the last time she was asked to take care of the kids (four years ago when husband had brain surgery) and she got mad at difficult child 2 for talking back and slapped him (he was just barely 11 at the time)! We came in the house to a hysterically sobbing boy (it had just happened) who wanted his grandparents to just leave and never come back, and a flustered and indignant senior citizen who promptly left the next day (THANK GOD). But I digress. difficult child 2 asked what she was basing her comment on and husband said well that's how you used to be and difficult child 2 yells "Well I'm not like that anymore!!! Geez, Dad!!!" :angrydude:

Then tonight he came home from work and he's upstairs lying in bed, eating dinner, playing spider solitaire and listening to me tell him about my day when he said something about something easy child did to him this week. She's starting to try to manipulate him and play for more time when she's asked to do some job or chore by him to avoid doing it altogether. I made a comment about the behavior being manipulative and he says, "She's just like her mom." I'm thinking WTF? I demanded to know what he meant by that because I am the most UNmanipulative person he knows! I do not coerce him, I do not bribe him, I do not trick or cajole him. If I want him to do something I ask. If I don't want to do something I say so. He starts turning it into a conversation about SEX (because apparently he's not getting what he wants right now) and somehow I'm a manipulator because he's not getting what he wants from me. :grrr: It dawns on me he's just talking out of his ä$$ again, but dang it is MADDENING!!! He is an intelligent person, but lately his brain is NOT working.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
:hugs:

Gee, talking to you like that is a good way to get what he wants? How does that work?

Sheesh. I'll let you know if I find it...
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Stress? Male menopause?? Just a general need to open their mouths and insert their feet? Dunno but it drove me nuts when husband would do it.

(((hugs)))
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I guarantee you it's not around my house. If it were I'd try to implant it in difficult child to replace what was removed years ago, lol. Meanwhile I never cease to be amazed at how husband's go through stages of major strangeness. Hugs DDD
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Well its not here but I think all of them have taken a major jump off a cliff this year. If I had life insurance on Tony I might be tempted to push him off a cliff if there happened to be one around here. He might be lucky we live in the flat lands. All I could manage would be a skinned knee.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
And today, he's blowing up my phone with texts still insisting I'M the one with the problem! And he STILL has not acknowledged that his comments were hurtful to me. Everything out of his mouth criticizing me is a reflection of himself -- it's crazy that he doesn't get it and I feel like there's just no point in trying to even have a discussion about this. At least not right now!

Seriously, how can you insult someone and expect them to feel affectionate towards you? What is WRONG with him?!
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I have issues with this myself. Are you sure he isnt borderline? He sounds like he is pushing you away because he is feeling insecure about himself so he wants to be the first one to insult you because he figures you are just going to say no and get mad anyway so he might as well get you mad so he has a reason to say "yeah, see, she is always mad at me!"
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
It's definitely not here. In fact, we seem to be a bit short on the frontal lobe dept around here, too.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
I wonder about that Janet. He has a history of sabotaging behaviors in our relationship. He wants attention and affection from me so badly, but he invariably says something rude or horribly nagging and insulting that pushes me away. Then he thinks he has to jump through hoops by doing chores around the house or buying me gifts (though he can't afford to do that anymore) to get back in my good graces. I try to explain every time that he just has to behave and be nice and we'd get along just fine, but he doesn't ever seem to get it. I mean, chores are something he should be doing as a matter of living here, not because he thinks he'll get something in return for it. THAT is manipulation, in my humble opinion. Same with buying stuff for someone and expecting something (like sex) in return: MANIPULATION 101.

His mother taught him everything she knows!

Braiker identified the following basic ways that manipulators control their victims:
  • Positive reinforcement: includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing; money, approval, gifts; attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile; public recognition.
  • Negative reinforcement: involves removing one from a negative situation as a reward, i.e. "You won't have to walk home if you allow me to do this to you."
  • Intermittent or partial reinforcement: Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist - for example in most forms of gambling, the gambler is likely to win now and again but still lose money overall.
  • Punishment: includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trap, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.
  • Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.
Simon identified the following manipulative techniques:
  • Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it although often the truth may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the chances of being lied to is to understand that some personality types (particularly psychopaths) are experts at the art of lying andcheating, doing it frequently, and often in subtle ways.
  • Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a significant amount of the truth. This technique is also used in propaganda.
  • Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.
  • Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior. Rationalization is closely related to spin.
  • Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else was suggesting, for example saying that a taunt or insult was only a joke.
  • Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention to anything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like "I don't want to hear it".
  • Diversion: Manipulator not giving a straight answer to a straight question and instead being diversionary, steering the conversation onto another topic.
  • Evasion: Similar to diversion but giving irrelevant, rambling, vague responses, weasel words.
  • Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
  • Guilt tripping: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.
  • Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.
  • Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.
  • Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator.
  • Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a more noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way for "obedience" and "service" to God or a similar authority figure.
  • Seduction: Manipulator uses charm, praise, flattery or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and give their trust and loyalty to him or her.
  • Projecting the blame (blaming others): Manipulator scapegoats in often subtle, hard to detect ways.
  • Feigning innocence: Manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was unintentional or did not do something that they were accused of. Manipulator may put on a look of surprise or indignation. This tactic makes the victim question his or her own judgment and possibly his own sanity.
  • Feigning confusion: Manipulator tries to play dumb by pretending he or she does not know what you are talking about or is confused about an important issue brought to his attention.
  • Brandishing anger: Manipulator uses anger to brandish sufficient emotional intensity and rage to shock the victim into submission. The manipulator is not actually angry, he or she just puts on an act. He just wants what he wants and gets "angry" when denied.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Well...I hate to tell you that manipulation is one of the hallmarks of borderline...sigh. That is one of the reasons that people (therapists and psychs) say that I only have traits of it now. I dont manipulate well anymore. Not saying I cant or dont or wont on occasion. I can or will if I truly want to but I have learned some better coping skills along the way. I used to manipulate A LOT! BIG TIME...lol. Lots of times over sex only I was in the other position. "Oh honey, if you will give me $100 and watch the boys for me, I will do Y for you."

Now I just ask for what I want and dont offer..lmao.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
gvcmom...

Don't want to scare you or anything, but... any chance there's something physically going on inside his skull?
It sounds like these "traits" have been around for quite some time, but this last week is "worse than normal"...
Keep an eye on things. If this is a trend, you'll want to get things checked out.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Wow. Oh, dear.
No, it's not in my house. We could use an extra one.
I am so sorry about your husband. Sounds like he has some serious issues. And it sounds like this has been going on for some time ...
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Nope. Haven't seen his...

But if you happen to see mine running around out there somewhere, can you send it home please? I seem to have lost mine as well!
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Well perhaps it was all stress-related/induced what with Christmas Eve with his family approaching and all the emotional baggage and anticipation that entails. He's better now.

IC, he had his annual brain MRI in October and no changes from the last one. So aside from THAT, I'd say it's just his erratic mood regulation at work again. Crank up his stress level and all bets are off. Yet another reason why I've asked the psychiatrist to be blunt about the bipolar diagnosis at husband's January appointment and hopefully they'll reopen dialog about changing some of his medications.

Only FIVE more days left of this year...
 
Top