Anyone dealing with just weed?

[dixiegirl40]

I've been trying to educate myself on weed. My difficult child, 18, is a constant user. It seems to make him very agitated, at least when he's at home. He says it makes him not depressed and helps his adhd. Of course I've seen the lazy affect. He was already lazy but now he's really lazy. He swears he's not on anything else and I home tested him and that was all it showed. He is failing school and is very combative and can be prone to being violent.
It's a much longer story with many more issues but I have to get off right now. Just needing some advice if I should not be so worried if all he's doing is weed.

 

[toughlovin]

I am sorry you had to find us but I glad you did. There are several of us here with lots of experience in this area. So keep coming with questions and for support.

So first his behavior is such that you absolutely should be worried. It actually sounds like more than just weed to me.... although it could be. The thing is you don't really know because he is going to tell you it is just weed even if it is more than that. Many drugs do not show up on drug tests.... and there are lots of OTC things that are not tested for. But if he is using weed every day or a lot then he has at least the start of a serious drug problem.

My advice is actually to focus on the behaviors that are causing problems (agitation, failing school, violence, etc.) and set limits on those in whatever way you can. It is hard to pinpoint and set limits specifically on drug use because there are ways to get around drug tests... and you really can't believe what they tell you about their drug use. However you can set limits on what behavior you will accept in your home.....especially after they are 18 and are legally considered an adult. (I think we all know that our 18 year old pot smoknig difficult children are anything but adults).

Hope this helps.

TL

 

[92025]

Yes, me. it is very frustrating, all the kids seem to use at least a little, they all say it's completely harmless, not even a drug etc. My son used to be a black belt, now he's flunking and lazy.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I would not bother fighting about the weed. It usually ends up a futile argument. He may argue the weed use. A little harder to argue the man up issues. I'd focus on his use of his time (read: wasting his time). Maybe he needs a list of expectations that are realistic for his age. Job at least x amount of hours per week. X amount of rent. Even a token amount, meant to get him accustomed to bill paying and functioning as an adult. Household contributions such as daily cleaning jobs. Probably longer list when not working, in lieu of rent. Decreased when working, however continuing to contribute to maintenance of the home he resides in. X amount of time per week put productively into job seeking. These things keep from creating a round robin argument about weed, and put the focus on him wasting away and not being productive and moving forward in life. Over time, if weed interferes with him following through with your expectations, it becomes easier to point the obvious out to him. That smoking weed daily is his crutch to fail to thrive as an adult and this is unacceptable and won't continue. Therefore here is your move out date in writing. Do with it what you will. Just know it will be enforced. Should you opt to become a productive and contribution adult member of the home before the deadline, I may be open to renegotiating your living here. Don't count on it though as there is no guarantee that it will be an option for me.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like more than weed to me too. One drug test isn't enough plus some drugs don't show up on drug tests. Weed doesn't normally cause agitation. I thought my daughter was only smoking weed to. The joke was on me! I'd search his room when he's not home.

 

[princess]

Hi-My son tells me that all he smokes is weed too I think everyday-I am not sure that is all he uses -he sometimes gets angry if you just say one thing to him that he does not want to hear -he just started his second year of college has been a B student so far and works a part time job at the college and at a friend's restaurant-he has been arrested last year for smoking weed and got fines and community service and ARD. He has to pay for his cell phone bill car insurance and payments for the fines and lawyers we hired for the drug arrest. My husband told him he has to follow rules in our home and pay money for the listed things if he does not do this or continue to do well in school he has to leave our home. He has been better the last few weeks but I don't trust him sad to say.....this past weekend one of his "friends" was arrested for selling pot and other drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Zardo]

Hello - Your story is familiar - about 2 years ago - our son was totally caught up in pot and was non-functioning at school and very angry and defiant at home. There is a difference between a teen that casually smokes pot at parties, etc and a substance abuser who is using pot as their chosen substance to escape reality. With the latter, yes the pot use is to such a degree that it affects everything else. Weather it's the pot or the obsession, I'm not sure...but we have been there. For us, our son was almost 15 at the time, so our path included a 3 month stay in wilderness, LOTS of therapy, boarding school and IOP programs. Today, mine is back home going to school, working about 20 hours per week and doing well. He was in IOP for about a year and I credit the group therapy in that model with helping him get through the worst of his issues. For you, your son is older and the burden of his use should fall more on HIS shoulders. Matt's Mom gave you great advice...break it down for him. Draw the line as to what it will require for him to live at home and leave the rest up to him. If he cannot behave as a functioning member of the household, then he can find his own place to live. He may fall further, but one thing we all learn in helping our difficult children and listening to the SA counselors is that without falling, they will find no reason to get up. It's a hard journey, I feel for you. A book that really helped me was "Changing for Good". good luck.

 

[Signorina]

I am answering briefly from my phone. My son is "just" into weed. Like Zardo said- he is not a casual user. Today's pot is also stronger & more addictive than the marijuana from even 10 years ago. His behavior is very much like your son's. Like alcohol - some ppl can smoke it socially and be ok. Others have stronger reactions and/or develop an addiction. My son is in the later group. He isn't a 20 year old who smokes pot- he is a abusing it regardless of the MANY bad effects it has on his life.

 

[dixiegirl40]

I haven't been able to get in in a few days. Thank you for the responses. I've never truly believed weed is all he's done but that's what he says. He's pretty honest about what he does because he is very narcissistic. He feels entitled to do what he does and doesn't apologize for it. I don't want him living with his friends at this point, we're just praying for a high school diploma here. So we've basically said he can live here until May when school is over, unless he flunks or quits before. I'm not giving him any cash. He does work so he's got his own money. My mom is the biggest problem. She's an enabler and gives him whatever he wants regardless of what my husband and I say. She's not speaking to me right now because of issues with him. I've got two younger boys that have been affected so badly by his behavior. So they're my priority right now. My husband's away a lot with work so I'm alone with the kids and lately it's been insane. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

 

[gottaloveem]

sending hugs dixiegirl40 (((HUGS)))

 

[Ephchap]

"Just weed" always makes me shake my head. First of all, weed is an illegal drug, and as others have said, today's marijuana is laced with many other drugs. Also, many will argue that everyone is doing it or it's just weed, but for us and our son, weed was definitely only the beginning of a fast and almost fatal plunge. One night while out "only smoking weed" with some friends, someone offered up a pipe with crack cocaine, and that was the beginning of a six week spiral down into the dark depths of stealing and ultimately several misdemeanor charges and one felony at the age of 17, which in Michigan, will stay on our son's record forever.

If they are admitting to weed but their actions and behavior is telling you it's something else, it probably is. Drugs was and is our "line in th sand". When he was 14 and out smoking pot and not coming home on weekends, we forced him (signed him in against his will) to a 4 month inpatient facility. He did fine for a few years, but again started with "only pot" a few years later until that fateful night. After his arrest, he entered voluntarily into a 10 month residential program. No, he didn't end up getting a high school diploma (a few years later got his GED), and that was always important to us as well, but he was a non-functioning member of society on his way to jail or worse, so the diploma was put way on the back burner.

Only you and your husband can determine what you are willing to put up with. Your son is still a minor, and if you possibly can reel him in now and get him help, it will help his future. My heart goes out to you, as I know what you're going through, as we lived it.

Deb

 

[dixiegirl40]

When I posted the question as "just weed" it wasn't to downplay the seriousness of weed. Believe me, I have had many tears and sleepless nights over him doing just weed. I turned to this site because in the small town I live in I have turned to many parents for support, advice, and help and a large majority of them feel like I'm overreacting because all he is on is weed. Some of them have even allowed him to do it at their house, which is another battle I'm fighting. I wanted to talk to parents on this forum that have been down the road I'm on and I need advice on "just weed". He's 18 so he's not a minor.
Last night we hit a new low. My husband is away at work and my difficult child was watching football at a friend's house. I love to cook so I made them some football food for him to take to his friend's house. I thought all was fine for the evening. At about 10:30 he came home and I was almost asleep. I heard him coming in so I got up to help him bring in the dishes I sent with him. Immediately he started going off on me because my dad had been texting him and he was angry about it. Right now my parents aren't speaking to me because my mother is the biggest enabler in my son's life and I put my foot down, as I have many times, but this time I told her I'm not backing down so she isn't talking to me. My dad has been texting him telling him he can't believe he is choosing drugs and his friends over family and it's making my difficult child angry. I told my difficult child that, that is what he's doing and if he wants to be an adult like he says he does he will have to deal with his choices. He started cursing me and just saying the most hurtful things he's ever said. He told me he thought because I made food for him and his friends that I was ok with his choices????? I told him I guess I can't even be kind to you without you thinking I approve of your drug habit. That just started him on a rampage of everything that he's right about and I'm wrong. I just broke down and cried which made him angry. I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm just at the end of my rope emotionally.

 

[Nancy]

That is his stinking thinking. My difficult child was on "just weed" oh and also drinking.....a lot. She would come home after an evening out and be the same way, beligerent. Looking back on those days I wonder if it was just week and beer or if there were other things in play. People tell me that week is suppose to make you mellow. Well she was anything but mellow. And I had to deal with many neighbor's who thought I was psycho because it's just weed and everyone does it, including them and they turned out ok. One neighbor even let her live in their house for six weeks drinking/pot smoking 24/7 before she was so strung out she called begging to go to treatment.

You are correct, he is making these choices and will have to deal with people's reactions. I lost a relationship with my father and sister over difficult child and the fact that they were not supportive of our situation.

At some point you will have to sraw the line in the sand, if he wants to continue living there, not drug use, not even just weed. Our daughter is now living on her own, barely making it, but having fun at 21 and still smoking "just pot" and drinking every chance she gets. But at least I am not confronted with it in my face every day.

Nancy

 

[dixiegirl40]

I don't understand the adults letting these kids do it at their house. I've recently found out his best friend's mother let them drink and do weed at her house. I confronted her and she got in my face and threatened me. I told her I entrusted my child to her when he was at her house and she broke the law and broke my trust. She actually told me that I shouldn't allow him to leave my house if I don't want people to give him drugs. I was speechless. Many of the adults I talked to that think I'm overreacting did it as a youth and so did their spouses and they feel like they turned out fine, but my child has very addictive qualities and he also has kidney disease and takes blood pressure medications every day. I've told him in detail what he's doing to his body when he drinks and smokes but he looks at these adults that told him that they did it and he sees that they're fine so he thinks he will be too. I'm looking into new counselors today. None of the ones in the past have helped.

 

[Ephchap]

Dixie,

When I mentioned "just weed", I wasn't slamming you at all. I apologize if it came off that way. It's the mentality of our difficult child's I was referring to. "Just weed" is their excuse and explanation that they don't think they are doing anything wrong.

I thought he was under 18 when you mentioned a high school diploma, so you're right - being 18 means he is responsible for himself, such as it is. As Nancy said, at some point you will have to draw your line in the sand. Only you can decide how much and what you will deal with. The out of control mood swings and spouting off at you are all typical of drug use. Hugs. It's so hard to have a battlezone in your home. I've been there done that.

As I mentioned, for our son, he realized he was out of options because he was arrested. He was already in the residential facility by the time his court date got here, and although the prosecutor wanted to remove him from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and put him in adult jail, thankfully the judge disagreed. She felt that he was at least in a voluntary program, which was secure (locked), and she mandated that he not be released from there until the staff, counselors and doctors felt he was ready. It took 10 months.

My son's treatment program was a dual-diagnostic (psychiatric and substance abuse) and was locked, although he was there voluntarily. He had to reach different plateaus before being given rewards such as visiting home, even getting a job at a sub shop nearby. It was a wonderful program (unlike the first one we put him in when he was 14). My son never did go back to the drugging, but in later years, turned to alcohol, which is still substance abuse - just a different drug.

For us, we refused to have him in our home when he was drugging. As I said, we gave him his options - he could go to jail or enter treatment, but his scenario was different than your son (at least presently), as our son had been arrested.

Please know that in this corner of cd.com, we understand. No one is questioning you or what you're going through. Everyone has different circumstances and our difficult child's each react differently to different plans of action. I can only tell you what worked and didn't work for us, but it sure wasn't an easy road. We called the police on our son several times toward the end of the drugging, as he was stealing from us and stole our car on a few occasions and our goal at that point was to keep him alive - even if it meant him going to jail. It was such a dark time in our lives and one I could never re-live.

Hugs to you. I know how difficult this is.
Deb

 

[dixiegirl40]

Thank you. I didn't feel you were judging. I guess I just wanted to clarify myself. It's hard to make my son believe weed is wrong when so many adults have told him they've done it and they are fine. I don't think any parent has the right to decide if weed is a harmless drug to another person's child. I've told a few of them this and asked if they knew of his kidney and blood pressure problems and they said they didn't know. That's my point exactly. You could be really harming someone just by not knowing their medical history. But all of that is a moot point because it's illegal, and we try to focus on just that point. I know he drinks too but claims he doesn't like how bad he feels the next day so he doesn't enjoy drinking. I've had the cops call me and follow him home but they haven't arrested him yet. Sadly, I wish they would. Thank you all for your stories and responses. I already feel less alone in this battle.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Way back in the good old days (like 40 years ago and more), there was such a thing as "just weed". I don't know when that changed... but definitely back as far as 30 years ago, weed wasn't "just weed" any more. It's been in-bred and/or genetically modified for much higher potency. Plus, because it is an illegal substance, the user has no way to know if it has been laced with other drugs before they get it. The whole "weed industry" is contaminated. Therefore... no longer any such thing as "just weed".

But you'll never convince your difficult child of that.
My difficult child-bro still believes it is possible to get "pure, original weed".... I don't believe him.

 

[Super]

A lot of it is laced, and it can be so scary! My ex was one of the worst pot-heads you ever saw and it definitely cured me of the "just weed" attitude, especially after he had a grand mal seizure one night and nearly bit the fingers of my right hand off. That was when I stopped covering for him, told the kids his secret, let him get arrested, didn't bail him out and eventually left him. My kids have seen first-hand what drugs can do and "just weed" will never be a good enough excuse for them - not when they saw their father turn into a raging psycho who couldn't remember their names, threatened their mother, and tried to fist fight the EMTs and police. Never did find out what was in the batch he got hold of, but it had to be something really bad. I never did weed (or any drugs, or even cigarettes or drinking) so I had no idea about there being the possibility of it being "laced" and got the education the hard way.