Anyone else here struggling with difficult child adult partner too?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by recovering doormat, May 5, 2009.

  1. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    If I only had to deal with my difficult child's, my life would be half as stressful.

    Unfortunately, I'm in a bind where I still have to try to work with a person that I decided I no longer wanted to be married to, whom I no longer trust to do right by his kids or me, and whose judgement I am beginning to question. And, this person controls all the money (we are divorced but assets are tied up in legal limbo pending his appeal).

    I am at the point where I am ready to call my attorney and ask him to amend our custody plan to allow him to have full legal, not just primary physical, custody of our son, age 16, since I have no way of influencing my ex's decisions on how our son is educated or treated for his dual diagnosis problems. I don't want to be held responsible by the state for my ex's bad decisions.

    I think this is a just a rant right now, I'm not sure if my lawyer would even consider doing anything like this. I'm just so frustrated and in tears from watching my kid slide down the tubes. He's been home from a diagnostic program in PA for nearly three months now and is only getting two hours of tutoring a day and has the rest of the time unsupervised (no job, no car, no money) to hang out at home and go on the computer or hang with some friends while he falls further and further behind his peers. This is a smart kid with a high IQ who wants to be a marine biologist, but he's also quite happy being a slacker.

    I went through a similar sitch with our older child, a difficult child who is going to be 19 on Sunday. She is starting to get her act together, has been working full time in her dad's accounting office, plans to go back to community college, just generally growing up after a couple of very rough years (on her way to transitioning from difficult child to easy child!). Maybe I'm getting all worked up over a situation that will resolve itself. Don't know anymore.

    Calgon, take me away....!!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Who has primary custody now?
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm guessing youre in the accounting you should be used to checks and balances.

    Why not make a list of checks and balances for your life....and see where it takes you.

    Take one issue at a time - draw a line down a piece of paper - and write good on one side and bad on the other - then think of the issue and write...

    Fold it up - don't read it for at least a day - then revisit the paper - and see how you feel about each issue you did this with.

    Sometimes it's like reading someone elses diary or you get a laugh out of your own self and what you wrote when you were emotional.

    I do this when I'm writing a professional type letter - and I'm angry. A day later I cross off anything that says I feel, I wish, I'm sad.....any emotion - and I end up with a pretty good idea of what I wanted to say- and make a point.

    You can ALSO - FOR FREE - go to any Domestic violence shelter for counseling. It's odd how many times you talk to people who have no idea that what they are going through IS in fact, abuse. (like my abuse of punctuation here) lol.

    You don't have to be hit, or yelled at.....there's psychological abuse - mental abuse, verbal abuse....and if he's controlling - honey ? YOu need some advice from people who have been there done that and got out with no regrets.

    I would be one of those people. I'm not a survivor - I'm an over-comer.

    I really think you should give it a try - if you had your footing about your own self you'd be better able to help and guide your son. I have found this to be true in so many son never really saw me as the MOm who had it together, when I was falling apart or crying or arguing - but once I got some therapy and started to draw boundaries with people and him? Yeah - it's like you become this person that even YOU wouldnt' want to cross. And whatever it takes to get through a divorce? Do it.

    I really hope you seek out someone local. If you have no idea who to go see.....PM me your location and I'll make some calls and find out for you.

    MOM first - THEN kids
    Air mask for adults FIRST - THEN kids......
  4. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    My exhusband has primary physical custody of our son now and has had it since we separated in Sept. 2004. My goal was to be able to have my son live with me and his sisters (we share joint legal custody of all three) but my son's past behavior was too disobedient and sometimes even physically aggressive toward me and his younger sister. He doesn't threaten any kind of violence or vandalism toward me or my property any longer (after I've called the police twice on him and marched him in front of a judge), he just attempts to verbally wear me down until I capitulate.

    Funny, Star, but I guess I've gotten so used to the emotional and mental abuse by my ex that I fail to recognize it anymore. A job would be the best thing (I haven't worked outside the home in a long time, haven't worked for a business that my ex didn't own for over 20 years) and I should be looking, but I feel so worn down I can't myself to even complete my resume -- and it's got a huge gap in it from being a stay at home mom for 20 years. I didn't look for a job when we first separated on the advice of my lawyer, who thought I would get screwed on alimony and child support by my wheeler-dealer ex (who is a CPA and specializes in protecting assets for his clients). The appeal my ex filed should be decided on by the fall, so by Christmas, I would say, I should know my financial future and be looking for a job and trying to sell off devalued real estate.

    In the meantime, while I'm treading water, my son is losing ground and I feel powerless to help him.

    I think your suggestion of contacting domestic abuse shelters is a good one. The local YWCA has a bunch of support groups for women in my position, I went for a while and dropped out Perhaps it's time to go back.

    Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions.