Apparently it's update time

[dayatatime]

COPA- I had read what your wrote about needing to live somewhere that you didn't have to go on the highway, but I didn't know that you used to drive confidently then stopped.

Do you know what triggered the switch? An accident?

I, too, used to drive. I wasn't a big fan of it though- it always seemed dangerous. Then I moved to a big city where thought I would never need to drive, but I quickly met my ex who didn't like public transportation so we (actually, he) drove everywhere. There was a time when his license was suspended that I took over driving- but I remember freezing and crying in the street. There was a time when he bought a new car and I had to drive the old one back on a highway, and I nearly caused more than one accident. Eventually I got confident enough to drive my kid to school- I had a set path where I didn't have to change lanes, etc.

I can see now that the big issue with me and driving is that I need to understand that I effect the field. Other drivers will respond to me-- my default in life in the past has been to believe that all the players around me are on set courses and I just have to avoid them all to protect myself (this is why changing lanes was so hard). When I was teenager I could change lanes... but there was a gradual and steady erosion of my sense of being a factor in anything.

At this point I understand that I exist and can hold power. I am hopeful that I will be able regain confidence. It needs to be on my own terms, when I am ready.

I see the thoughtfulness and engagement of your posts here. You might think it's just a 1% change for you to gain confidence, but I think that if becomes something you want, you will accomplish it.

 

[Catmom]

I grew up panicking that my family had no money bc my parents fought all of the time about it and we really didn't have enough at all. I still to this day feel secure only with extra food in the pantry. I am very tight with money but generous to my kids with my spending money bc there isn't too much I want to buy for my self. That generosity is most likely what spoiled my son and didn't teach him well about the world but I am noticing that my son who is in college is just as good with money as my hubby and I are....my youngest who I have a great relationship with won't even let me give him money. Odd how my 2 kids are complete opposites with money.

 

[Copabanana]

Do you know what triggered the switch? An accident?

A constellation of factors: I left the country, selling my vehicle. I did not drive abroad. When I would return I drove rental cars, most of which were American cars--I prize good handling--and these rental cars had loose steering. This gave me a sense of having lost control.

Sometimes I think I made myself "pay a price" for all of the mobility and confidence I gained through traveling.

Sometimes I think I remember losing control on the Bay Bridge (over SF Bay) in the rain, with the car spinning around in circles, but I doubt this memory.

The funny thing is that I never lost confidence with city driving. People say I drive too fast, and have too much confidence when I am on my own turf.

I need to understand that I effect the field. Other drivers will respond to me-- my default in life in the past has been to believe that all the players around me are on set courses and I just have to avoid them all to protect myself (this is why changing lanes was so hard).

I am afraid of merging onto the freeway. The need to gain speed while entering the flow of traffic. My fears became cumulative. Fear begets fear.

Then I got afraid of tailgaters (outside of city); then big trucks (outside of city.)

there was a gradual and steady erosion of my sense of being a factor in anything.

You see, I think it was the opposite with me. The more control I seemed to gain in my life, the less control and confidence I felt driving.

At this point I understand that I exist and can hold power.

This is wonderful. I have a lot of trouble with this, still, I think.

I am struggling with a sense of my absolute value...in myself...that my value is enough to be treated well just because...independent of one other thing...just because I am worth it...to me. And the sense that I am enough, just as I am. Let alone...when others try to mistreat me. I still have trouble not mistreating myself.

I was the most confident of drivers. Drove anywhere. Anytime. Not feeling confident to drive has affected my sense of mobility and efficacy across the board. I would so much want to recover this capacity. You see, I love to drive. This is the crazy part. I have driven 50 years! I still drive a stick shift. Nobody drives a stick shift! Because I love to drive.

One thing I began thinking about is that I sensed a failing of my capacity. Unconsciously. For example: night vision. I really have poor night vision. I am thinking now that I did not realize that there were specific things that changed with my capacity...that it was not only psychological. But many people my age and older lost capacity...but they adjust. They keep driving.