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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 709289" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>The money thing is weird and hard to explain. It's not like I <em>wanted</em> to send a bunch of money, it wasn't that I didn't want to listen to Jabber's point of view. It was more - confining. Like, If I WANTED to, I still couldn't if he said no. Like, having your car in the shop...you may not want to go anywhere - but it makes you a little stir crazy knowing you <em>can't</em>.</p><p></p><p>I have real issues with money stemming from being married to son's biodad who basically bankrupted me. I only didn't file because I knew how to bluff the bill collectors - perk of being a lawyer. But he ruined my credit for YEARS. When Jabber and I married, ugh...bless him, he would come home to me crying and saying, "I can't marry you and saddle you with all this debt!" I finally told him, "I can't marry you unless I have control of all the money and pay all the bills and you just get an allowance." I truly thought that would be the final straw...My GOD he's such a good man!!! He said, "Great! I hate paying the bills!" and so for several years he had a separate account with like $200 a paycheck (and he saved HALF that to take me on a trip for our 10th anniversary!)</p><p></p><p>Jabberwocky - I adore you with all my heart! I do really know I'm very lucky. I'm sorry I don't always act like it. </p><p></p><p>We also had an agreement that we would not spend more than $50 on any one item without consulting the other. That's an agreement we still stick to. I'm very cheap. I don't buy things for myself. I don't buy clothes and shoes and purses. I don't get manicures go out with friends. I get my hair cut every 4 months or so. I never have cash, because cash just gets spent on groceries or something. So...having to basically <em>ask</em> "Can I spend money?" it just bothered me terribly.</p><p></p><p>WILL I send kid money? Yes. Will I send him up to $50 every month? No. He's almost 22. He needs to get a damn job! But that I CAN is all I need to know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't know, it's more that I assume it's okay unless I know it's not. You know, if you expect someone to be home at 10 and it's midnight, your brain goes to "they're dead in a ditch somewhere". But if they don't live with you, you assume they're home in bed at midnight. It's really as simple as that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There was so much there that I wish I could respond to. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I know that you know, intellectually, that you can't save anyone Copa. You aren't God. You can support, you can love, you can care...but it's up to them to save themselves. Just like it's up to you to save yourself. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 709289, member: 17309"] The money thing is weird and hard to explain. It's not like I [I]wanted[/I] to send a bunch of money, it wasn't that I didn't want to listen to Jabber's point of view. It was more - confining. Like, If I WANTED to, I still couldn't if he said no. Like, having your car in the shop...you may not want to go anywhere - but it makes you a little stir crazy knowing you [I]can't[/I]. I have real issues with money stemming from being married to son's biodad who basically bankrupted me. I only didn't file because I knew how to bluff the bill collectors - perk of being a lawyer. But he ruined my credit for YEARS. When Jabber and I married, ugh...bless him, he would come home to me crying and saying, "I can't marry you and saddle you with all this debt!" I finally told him, "I can't marry you unless I have control of all the money and pay all the bills and you just get an allowance." I truly thought that would be the final straw...My GOD he's such a good man!!! He said, "Great! I hate paying the bills!" and so for several years he had a separate account with like $200 a paycheck (and he saved HALF that to take me on a trip for our 10th anniversary!) Jabberwocky - I adore you with all my heart! I do really know I'm very lucky. I'm sorry I don't always act like it. We also had an agreement that we would not spend more than $50 on any one item without consulting the other. That's an agreement we still stick to. I'm very cheap. I don't buy things for myself. I don't buy clothes and shoes and purses. I don't get manicures go out with friends. I get my hair cut every 4 months or so. I never have cash, because cash just gets spent on groceries or something. So...having to basically [I]ask[/I] "Can I spend money?" it just bothered me terribly. WILL I send kid money? Yes. Will I send him up to $50 every month? No. He's almost 22. He needs to get a damn job! But that I CAN is all I need to know. I don't know, it's more that I assume it's okay unless I know it's not. You know, if you expect someone to be home at 10 and it's midnight, your brain goes to "they're dead in a ditch somewhere". But if they don't live with you, you assume they're home in bed at midnight. It's really as simple as that. There was so much there that I wish I could respond to. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I know that you know, intellectually, that you can't save anyone Copa. You aren't God. You can support, you can love, you can care...but it's up to them to save themselves. Just like it's up to you to save yourself. :hugs: [/QUOTE]
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