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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730391" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Sarah and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your troubles with your youngest daughter. It is tough when our d cs grow up and mistreat us. Unacceptable in so many ways.</p><p>My eldest would get upset with me for speaking with friends on issues concerning her. Like I was crossing a “loyalty” line, sharing family secrets, etc. What it really was is that she didn’t want anyone else “up in her business” knowing what she was doing. We are only human and can only hold in so much. Who wouldn’t need to get it off our chest, some way, some how? You are not disloyal, you have a difficult relationship with an abusive adult who happens to be your daughter.</p><p> It never ceases to confound me how people with these tendencies can turn things around to make it their victims fault. She is gaslighting you.</p><p> This is terrible. She targets you, Sarah. To do this to you in a vulnerable time when you are recovering from surgery and defenseless is cruel. You were smart not to call on her again.</p><p>I have been through this with my grands. I have two daughters off the rails with drugs and they can be cunning, manipulative and abusive. My Tornado has used her children as pawns, gone no contact for months, then appeared at our doorstep with them in tow needing a place to stay. It is sad for them, and was for my hubs and I. It never phased my daughter. She has since abandoned her children for drugs. Looking back, she had narcissistic tendencies and drugs have just exacerbated them.</p><p>I have learned to continually work at removing myself emotionally from the whole mess. It is sad, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life emotionally vested in toxic people, even though they are my adult children. It does take work, they are my daughters and I love them. I don’t like their choices, wont tolerate disrespect and abuse. We are not rugs to be used and tread upon.</p><p>As Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”</p><p> It doesn’t sound awful to me. You matter and you deserve to live peaceably. Your daughter targets you, is mean and controlling. Her actions in the hospital going from sweet and caring to abusive in the car, says to me that she knows exactly what she is doing. Ugh. I am sorry Sarah, it is cruel and terrible.</p><p>The only person who can stand up for you, is you. My daughters would try to tug at my heart and try to make me feel guilty for saying no. I have had to build myself an armor and guard my heart. One quote that helps me is “ What you allow, will continue.”</p><p>It is our maternal instinct to try everything to have relationship with our adult children. It is a tough road to travel when they grow up and are not respectful, loving and kind. If it were anyone else, we would not put up with it. I don’t think that because they are our grown children that gives them free pass to be unkind, feel entitled and mistreat is. Unacceptable.</p><p>Please know you are not alone. Do everything you can to build yourself up. Self care is so important.</p><p>You have great worth and you matter.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730391, member: 19522"] Hi Sarah and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your troubles with your youngest daughter. It is tough when our d cs grow up and mistreat us. Unacceptable in so many ways. My eldest would get upset with me for speaking with friends on issues concerning her. Like I was crossing a “loyalty” line, sharing family secrets, etc. What it really was is that she didn’t want anyone else “up in her business” knowing what she was doing. We are only human and can only hold in so much. Who wouldn’t need to get it off our chest, some way, some how? You are not disloyal, you have a difficult relationship with an abusive adult who happens to be your daughter. It never ceases to confound me how people with these tendencies can turn things around to make it their victims fault. She is gaslighting you. This is terrible. She targets you, Sarah. To do this to you in a vulnerable time when you are recovering from surgery and defenseless is cruel. You were smart not to call on her again. I have been through this with my grands. I have two daughters off the rails with drugs and they can be cunning, manipulative and abusive. My Tornado has used her children as pawns, gone no contact for months, then appeared at our doorstep with them in tow needing a place to stay. It is sad for them, and was for my hubs and I. It never phased my daughter. She has since abandoned her children for drugs. Looking back, she had narcissistic tendencies and drugs have just exacerbated them. I have learned to continually work at removing myself emotionally from the whole mess. It is sad, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life emotionally vested in toxic people, even though they are my adult children. It does take work, they are my daughters and I love them. I don’t like their choices, wont tolerate disrespect and abuse. We are not rugs to be used and tread upon. As Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” It doesn’t sound awful to me. You matter and you deserve to live peaceably. Your daughter targets you, is mean and controlling. Her actions in the hospital going from sweet and caring to abusive in the car, says to me that she knows exactly what she is doing. Ugh. I am sorry Sarah, it is cruel and terrible. The only person who can stand up for you, is you. My daughters would try to tug at my heart and try to make me feel guilty for saying no. I have had to build myself an armor and guard my heart. One quote that helps me is “ What you allow, will continue.” It is our maternal instinct to try everything to have relationship with our adult children. It is a tough road to travel when they grow up and are not respectful, loving and kind. If it were anyone else, we would not put up with it. I don’t think that because they are our grown children that gives them free pass to be unkind, feel entitled and mistreat is. Unacceptable. Please know you are not alone. Do everything you can to build yourself up. Self care is so important. You have great worth and you matter. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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