Appropriate or innappropriate?

[Wish]

So.......I have a male roommate. Been with me for almost 2 years. He is going to his 6 year old niece's birthday party tonight. His gifts that he bought for her are this coloring set, really nice and the other gift is a body leotard because she in gymanastics. So in case you don't know what it looks like, it looks like a bathing suite.

I was talking to my friend today and she asked me how he was doing and what he was up to and I told her that he is going to his nieces birthday party tonight. She said, aw that's nice, what he get her? And I told her. She kind of hesitated and say "Well okay Uncle Pedo" as a joke when she heard about the leotard. Then it got me thinking. I asked her , do you think it's inappropriate? She said yeah, it kinda does raise an eyebrow slightly that an uncle would get his 6 year old niece that. So it got me thinking and I asked him what made you get that? (trying to sound as casual and non-suspicous at all) He said that he asked the mom (not sure if the dad is in the know of this gift giving) what to get her and she mentioned gymnastics and the story got a little fuzzy from there. I asked him did she ask you to get that? He said yeah but he lies....a lot. You can never believe a word out of that man's mouth. So he could be telling truth about it or not. I really don't know. I mean, I don't think he is like a peddo or anything or else he wouldn't be living here. But now it has me thinkin a little.

Even if it is innocent on his part, I don't want him to be in awkward situation where they are all opening gifts in front of everybody and when she opens the body leotard and shows everyone.....

What say you all?

Thanks in advance

 

[BusynMember]

Wish, I say that if he lies all the time that alone is a good reason to make him move. Compulsive lying can mean many mental illnesses. I wouldn't trust him on that alone. It's not normal to always lie.

Not sure what to think about the leotard. I trust women more than men as roommates mixed with kids. The most common abuser of young girls is a live in man. They aren't all predators and others molest too, but odds are better with a woman.

 

[Wish]

Wish, I say that if he lies all the time that alone is a good reason to make him move. Compulsive lying can mean many mental illnesses. I wouldn't trust him on that alone. It's not normal to always lie.

You sound a lot like my friend. She tells me this all the time. His lying causes a lot of tension in the household.

Not sure what to think about the leotard. I trust women more than men as roommates mixed with kids. The most common abuser of young girls is a live in man. They aren't all predators and others molest too, but odds are better with a woman.

I have no young children living here. My 21 year old daughter rarely lives here and now I have a state of the art survallence system that covers the whole house.
For the most part he is ok. He is the first male roommate I ever had and he knows I don't mess around. I run this household and he does have an appropriate healthy fear of me. We are friends and we have become very close. That's about all I can say.

 

[recoveringenabler]

It seems there are 2 separate issues here. The first is that your roommate lies, which is something you may want to deal with at some point.

The second issue is the gymnastics leotard. My daughter and granddaughter took gymnastics and they both had those leotards. Personally, an uncle giving a 6 year old a gymnastics leotard would not send up red flags for me. (His lying about it would. But, that is a different issue). Although the leotards resemble a bathing suit, they look like what they are, gymnastic uniforms, so I don't imagine that would bring about an embarrassing situation.

I don't tend to be a suspicious person, so perhaps others may weigh in differently. Your friend jumping to the conclusion in her comment, "well okay uncle pedo" seems a bit over the top to me. There's quite a huge distinction between being a pedophile and being a liar.

 

[BusynMember]

I am more alarmed by the lying than the gym leotard. The lying would bother me, be it a roommate or a friend and would be an absolute deal breaker in a romantic relationship. Lying is not a good sign in a person or of the person's ethics. The leotard to me seems pretty harmless. But I would still worry about having him in my world if this were me. Be careful.

 

[Wish]

It seems there are 2 separate issues here. The first is that your roommate lies, which is something you may want to deal with at some point.

I agree. I thought I'd just mention it because he does lie, especially when he thinks he is going to get into trouble or something but there is just no way of knowing so I will have to take him face value and assume he is telling the truth.

Your friend jumping to the conclusion in her comment, "well okay uncle pedo" seems a bit over the top to me.

See, I thought so too. Everything with her is very dramatic and over the top in my opinion. It's ironic that you said that, kind of validates how I feel about her a lot of the time. But she is another issue for another day.

Thanks for your opinion RE and Swot, now I don't feel so bad about the leotard. That's two so far that don't see a problem with it. Anyone else feel free to give your opinion.

 

[Wish]

I am more alarmed by the lying than the gym leotard. The lying would bother me, be it a roommate or a friend and would be an absolute deal breaker in a romantic relationship. Lying is not a good sign in a person or of the person's ethics. The leotard to me seems pretty harmless. But I would still worry about having him in my world if this were me.

I have always been alarmed by the lying and has been a very consistant issue. I have addressed it many of, many of times and will continue to do so. He knows he is on thin ice with that.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Wish,

My daughter wears leotards for dance, and has taken gymnastics in the past.

It’s no different than athletic wear, and not inappropriate as a gift. No different from a shirt or a pair of pants.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this, and I am as protective of my daughter as any mom could ever be.

It may be that the niece and her mom are excited about starting gymnastics, and the roommate saw that and wanted to give a gift that they would really like. It’s hard to shop for kids when you are a single man, without any kids of your own for reference.

I wouldn’t worry about the leotard.

Apple

 

[BusynMember]

He obviously doesn't care if it bothers you and probably this will not change. I can't stress it enough....compulsive lying is a dangerous trait and that means you will NEVER really know him. Anything he says could be a big fat fib, especially about himself. I hope this is not getting romantic. Honesty is important. Liars are horrible friends and even worse significant others. How old is this man? However old he is, he has been doing this all his life. It doesn't just start suddenly. Please be careful.

 

[Wish]

He obviously doesn't care if it bothers you and probably this will not change. I can't stress it enough....compulsive lying is a dangerous trait and that means you will NEVER really know him. Anything he says could be a big fat fib, especially about himself. I hope this is not getting romantic. Honesty is important. Liars are horrible friends and even worse significant others. How old is this man? However old he is, he has been doing this all his life. It doesn't just start suddenly. Please be careful.

I totally 100% agree with you Swot. Trut me, 100%. You are preaching to the choir, I promise. It's just right now, I can't lose his income. It's so hard to find hardworking roommates who pay on time and for the basic stuff that counts, he is good. He is 37, no kids, never been married. Total man child. Still watches cartoons and eats a lot of junk but he does work and pay his bills and takes care of himself, so there is that. But I know his lying is never going to change, this I know. Hopefully with the security system all over the house, he will at least stop lying a little bit knowing I can go back months to a conversation. I have 24/7/365 recording with 3 months of back up. Other than that, there is really nothing else I can do about his lying and I am fully aware of that. Thank you for your concern Swot. I hear you loud and clear, believe me.

 

[Wish]

t may be that the niece and her mom are excited about starting gymnastics, and the roommate saw that and wanted to give a gift that they would really like. It’s hard to shop for kids when you are a single man, without any kids of your own for reference.

That's what was kind infered to me by him. I think he did say that she just started. Thanks so much Apple. I am so happy I asked this question here. Because I was starting to get kind of worried.

 

[AppleCori]

I have always been alarmed by the lying and has been a very consistant issue. I have addressed it many of, many of times and will continue to do so. He knows he is on thin ice with that.

My younger step-son lies, but I just don’t get into subjects that i think he may have reason to lie about.

As long as the roommate pays his share of the bills and cleans up after himself, maybe you can just go your own way and not get involved in talking about whatever he tends to lie about.

 

[BusynMember]

I understand
When I was divorced and before my husband, then boyfriend, moved in I needed roommates too. All of them were horrible. But I needed the money too. I just never got friendly with them. One tried badly to hit on me....ick!!! I stayed in my room with my daughter until he moved out. It was gross. He would send love letters under my door.

I hadn't wanted my husband to move in when he did...it had been a long time dating but I wasn't sure I wanted to commit. But he was nice and caring and the roommates weren't. Although it was rocky at times before I married him, I'm glad he came and that we eventually married and those roommates were not the best quality people, not even the women. Most we're men. I have no right talking to you about this!!!But I don't want you to have the icky experiences I had. But we do what we must do.

Love and light!

 

[Nomad]

I'm a bit more alarmed by frequent lying than by the leotard. The mom could have limited funds and really needed/wanted to leotard for her child and it's nothing more than that.
He might lie because he likes his privacy. Or it could be more to it. If it is excessive or creeps you out, I would consider a new roommate when your arrangement is up.

 

[Tired out]

1st I will address the leotard. I think your friend was out of line calling your room mate names. There is nothing embarrassing or wrong with buying a kid a leotard or a swimsuit for that matter. Maybe there is something wrong with your friend's mind since they jumped to that conclusion. It isn't like he is going to ask her to change into it in front of him.
2nd the lying. Habitual lying if he is your kid, your responsibility is a problem. You said he is a 37 year old room mate. Why are you questioning him about his gift choice? It is none of your business. If he lies about something that directly affects you that's different..example.. you tell him he can't smoke in your house, he goes in his room, smokes, blowing out the window, you smell it and ask and he lies and says he didn't..that is your problem and he needs to leave. So in that you say he is a liar maybe he lies to you because what you are asking is none of your business and he doesn't want to just say "mind your own business" so he answers with what he things you want to hear. Maybe you need to re evaluate what you are asking him.
My son is a liar. I learned not to ask him things that at 21 really aren't my concern, I just want to know. I hated when he lied about things and made up stories to a direct question. I could tell you some of the convoluted tales he came up with and you would roll your eyes.

 

[Wish]

I hear ya Tired out and I agree with you. I guess I felt it kind was my business at the time because if he was being inappropriate, that is something I need to know with my daughter and myself living here. Remember, the thought hadn't even occured to me until my friend said it. This is why I am here asking it.

Just to reiterate, I didn't interogate him or anything like that when I asked him about the leotard. I just casually asked him and was careful as I could have been without sounding suspicious or accusatory, but try as I might, he still may have noticed.

And yes, oh yes, most of his lies do affect me personally. He has lied about breaking things in my home..... I can go on and on but I'm sure you can just imagine with just that one example.

He is something terrible with lying. It is really maddening and Swot is right about liars that's why I told her she is preaching to the choir. She need not to convince me.

I also agree with you that my friend shouldn't have called him that. I am glad I got all of your opinions. It really does help a lot.

 

[Tired out]

Believe me I totally get it about lying. If there was an income for being a liar my son would be a millionaire! I don't understand why they do it. Especially when the truth is the only explanation. Hello is 2 people live in a home and something is broken and you know you didn't do it the poltergeist did it..right? But the other person living there didn't do it. We were ready to put cameras all over our house. Then son did...one. more. thing. Hubby said, "shape up out ship out" and son left. Now son says hi father told him to "get out now"...HELLO.. I herd the whole thing and hubby never said that at all. But I guess if son knew he wasn't going to shape up he heard dad say "ship out" fool.