Are there any success stories??

[PatriotsGirl]

I have to admit, I am just shocked at how much money is being thrown at these problems and nothing seems to actually work. It is so saddening. Has anyone shelled out a bunch of money and actually have results?

I know my brother is a major success story, but he alone decided to go to rehab and he went to a state funded program. He has been sober for YEARS ever since and it didn't cost a penny.

So I am just wondering - what has worked? I really think the only key is that they have to want sobriety...if they don't want help, it seems very, very futile.

 

[DaisyFace]

I would agree with you...

My uncle was an alcoholic, at one point, he pretty much lost everything - he turned his life around using a variety of support groups, including AA and getting involved in a fitness regimen. The key factor, though, was that he was very determined to live differently.

 

[Tiredof33]

Yes I know success stories too, and the key fator in all was that they WANTED a better life. I know a couple with a great marriage and great easy child children, dually enrolled in high school and college, homeschooled. He had felony charges, no drivers license, living on the street. She was losing job after job and in jail a few times.

Both used AA and counseling to turn their lives around. I often wonder if they will ever tell their kids about their previous life. I would not have believed it if I did not know them well.

I know of others and none were in expensive treatment centers - not saying they don't work - just saying if anything works they have to be ready. My difficult child doesn't seem to be!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Yes I know success stories too, and the key fator in all was that they WANTED a better life. I know a couple with a great marriage and great easy child children, dually enrolled in high school and college, homeschooled. He had felony charges, no drivers license, living on the street. She was losing job after job and in jail a few times.

Both used AA and counseling to turn their lives around. I often wonder if they will ever tell their kids about their previous life. I would not have believed it if I did not know them well.

I know of others and none were in expensive treatment centers - not saying they don't work - just saying if anything works they have to be ready. My difficult child doesn't seem to be!

Mine neither. She is still not speaking to me. I don't even know if she is alive...

 

[Nancy]

I couldn't agree more. It just points out what we were trying to say a couple weeks ago in discussions about different programs. There is no use in putting down one program or building up one program over another because in all the addict I know the only ones who are successful are the ones who have a desire to change, the ones who don't want to continue in the misery they are in. I believe whatever program those people choose will help them recover, but it is not because of the program, it is because of the person.

This worries the heck out of me because it comes back to resilience and I have long ago acknowledged that my difficult child does not have resilience. She doesn't have and never has had the determination to do anything with her life that has to do with moving ahead and following society rules and taking responsibility. So when people tell me that she may mature I find it very hard to believe. Perhaps when she is in the 30's she may decide to do differently but I honestly don't see it happening. She is digging a deeper hole for herself every day in terms of her future. She doesn't have grit Know what I mean?.

Nancy

 

[DaisyFace]

Come to think of it - the only venue in which I have seen "success" inspite of the difficult child is on the Dr Phil show...

There have been several episodes where a difficult child is pressured into attending some fancy treatment center paid by the show - and then they will do a follow-up episode sometime later where the former addict thanks Dr Phil for saving their life.

Course - there have also been episodes showing the addicts relapsing and making the same bad choices in spite of Dr Phil's intervention....

 

[Signorina]

I have 3 close friends who have been sober more than 20 years- 1 became an alcoholic (also smoked a ton of pot) the summer going into our junior year in HS, has attempted suicides, did a stint in rehab (maybe a month?) came back to school and has been faithfully following the 12 steps and attending meetings for 28 years. She struggled a bit to find her way career wise- she likely had a learning disability - but she did end up finding her way with a stable good job. She recently married the man of her dreams- had an amazing wedding & just quit that job to open her own biz. She is living happily every after.

Another friend became an alcoholic in college. Woke up 3 states away on Sunday with no idea how he got there or what he did the night before. He was losing friends, lost a fraternity office, and a close friend finally told him straight out that he was a drunk & no one liked him anymore, he was a crappy friend & unreliable. He found AA, started going, stayed in his Fraternity somehow (crazy) and graduated on time. He's been sober ever since. At 42 he completed an MA at Georgetown. Has a great house, nice husband & son and is happy. I posted a letter he wrote to his son last year about why he is sober.

I have another friend who became a cocaine addict (he was always a wild child; partier) at age 27-- with a wife, an ill 1 year old and a brand new baby. They lost everything, including the home she inherited free & clear from her late mother. His parents took her and the kids into their home and sent him to rehab. I don't know the whole rehab story- it was kept quiet, all of us thought he was working out of state & his parents were helping his wife with the kids since the toddler was so sick. They lived with his parents for about 2 years, he slowly rebuilt his life, got a job, bought a house, had another baby. Bought a huge house. I know for a long time that he didn't drink- but he is drinking now. (20 years later ) i assume in moderation but I don't know. He has been very successful & they lived a nice life. They divorced about 2 years ago, both of them remarried others last year and their 2 older kids are in college, youngest just started HS. I assume he is still drug free- I think he cheated- and I don't think the divorce had anything to do with his addiction, fwiw.

So -- there you go. There is always hope. There are many success stories. I know quite a few adult friends who don't drink because they had a problem before I knew them. I don't know their stories - why, what and when- but they are living successful, low key, sober lives and have been for years.

 

[BusynMember]

My opinion and experience is that if the person doesn't want to stop using, the person will not stop using, no matter how much you try and spend on rehabs, even if they have tons to offer. Without extreme motivation (it's hard to quit using), in my opinion it's a waste of money.

My dautgher quit on her terms when she wanted to quit and how she wanted to quit and it didn't cost her or us a dime. She just quit because she was determined never to turn into one of her friends...a friend who had track marks up and down her arms. That scared her straight. Nothing else did any good. But that did.

I don't think it's a good idea to go broke trying to sober up a difficult child who isn't ready to do it. When they are ready, they probably won't even need a rehab.

 

[Tiredof33]

PG, I think it is so incredibly sad that many of us do not know where our difficult children are and have no way to contact them (((huggs))).

A while back I was looking for books online and I found a site where two PHD's were plugging their book and treatment programs. Both said there are too many (most of them) very expensive treatment centers that are expensive and have low success rates. Of course, theirs worked lol!!!

I tried to find it again and I didn't see it, I think they were in CA.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG, I think it is so incredibly sad that many of us do not know where our difficult children are and have no way to contact them (((huggs))).

QUOTE]

Thank you. I did hear from her via pm on Facebook yesterday. Obviously, her other phone didn't last very long. Was probably stolen and the owner shut it off. Of course she only contacted me because she needs her birth certificate. She supposedly lost her driver's license fishing. I am certainly not jumping through any hoops to help her and she is not allowed here while she is a wanted criminal/drug addict. I told her to let me know where to send it. Funny, didn't get a response back...

But, at least I do know she is alive...but sadly, not in jail, yet...

 

[Rumpole]

So I am just wondering - what has worked? I really think the only key is that they have to want sobriety...if they don't want help, it seems very, very futile.

(Disclaimer: < - - - Resident difficult child)

I might be what you call a partial success story. I'm from Sydney, Australia. I'm 26 now, and at law school in London (UK). I had problems with ADHD, anxiety, depression, drug abuse (heroin).

There wasn't any magic bullet, and even when I wanted to get "clean", it was only that at an abstract level I wanted it; I didn't even want to give up recreational drugs generally (cocaine, ecstasy, GHB etc). For the heroin, I was treated with suboxone, and was given a degree of latitude to simply pretend a lot of it didn't happen. That meant that I had a tiny degree of being able to feel like I could have a fresh start, not the AA/NA "You're an addict forever, we'll never let you live this down".

Has it been easy? No. Has it been effective? With qualifications, yes. I still drink (though not to excess), I still get depressed and anxious and stop answering my Mum's phone calls. On the other hand, I'm in law school and hold down a part-time job and live independently 12,000 miles away from home. As I said, not so much a total turnaround as much as putting one foot in front of the other; even if it's two steps forward and one step back, at least in net terms, I'm moving forward.

 

[DaisyFace]

(and was given a degree of latitude to simply pretend a lot of it didn't happen. That meant that I had a tiny degree of being able to feel like I could have a fresh start, not the AA/NA "You're an addict forever, we'll never let you live this down".

{Rumpole--

I know that you are a new member here and do not know my family's story...so please do not take this as a personal attack...}

I have to say I ABHOR the phrase "fresh start". I cannot tell you how many tdocs in different settings have declared that all our difficult child needed was a "fresh start" - and that if we could pretend like nothing had ever happened then somehow things would be OK moving forward.

For me - "fresh start" is like a slap in the face. IOW - let everyone who has been abused and mistreated buck up and smile so that difficult child doesn't have to admit she made a mistake or might owe someone an apology or *gasp!* actually try to make amends.

We saw MUCH better results when difficult child experienced the consequences of her actions. It was only after experiencing some of these negative consequences that she has been motivated to change. (Nearly getting fired at work, for example, motivated her to do a better job. Getting kicked out of the house a couple of times has motivated her to treat the family better. etc. etc.)

 

[busywend]

I think Jail has a high rate of success at rehabing drug addicts without even trying to rehab them.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, today I received a phone call and an apology. It is something...but I refuse to be involved in her drama and she has agreed not to involve me. I love her dearly and I always will, but I need to take care of me and it's awful but the less I know about her life, the better right now. She is the only one that can change anything and nothing will change until she wants it to.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I think Jail has a high rate of success at rehabing drug addicts without even trying to rehab them.

Not so sure...

Jail has a high success rate at drying them out... but most don't get help to correct the underlying problems, and return to their addictions when their time is up. SOME find ways to continue their addiction behind bars.

 

[mrsammler]

I knew several people--maybe as many as 10 or more--during my army stint who had enlisted in order to stop being a difficult child and try to "fix" their lives via submitting themselves to military discipline. I guess I would include myself in that number, although I wasn't a full-on difficult child so much as a rowdy partier who was immature & decadent and needed some serious discipline to get my act together. The army experience seemed to work well for all of us--almost everyone who enlisted for this purpose was pretty much "fixed" by the end of basic training (3 months) and those I knew after basic seemed, like me, to stay fixed. And this bears out what others are saying here: a difficult child won't stop until he/she truly wants to stop, and then often he/she will find or create whatever apparatus they need to help them stop. Certainly enlisting in the military service is a very clear sign that a difficult child is ready to change, wants to change, and is willing to do whatever it takes to change.

The sad thing is that most difficult children, by the time they finally get to that place, have so damaged their reputations via criminal records and the like that the military services won't have them. And it doesn't work if the kid didn't enlist for the specific purpose of "fixing" his life: I have a really worthless family member who enlisted, did 2 tours of combat overseas, and then, while stateside, massively malfunctioned on Bath Salts, went AWOL repeatedly, and was drummed out of the service. He's been consistently worthless ever since, which was pretty much what he was before his enlistment. So while a military enlistment *often* works, it doesn't *always* work. Again, motivation is probably the key differentiator.