Are you overly involved in your adult child's life?

[BusynMember]

Here is a video, very short, it is in line with what I feel I have learned. You may like it so I posted it here for anyone to listen to. Although she starts out talking about addicted adult children, the second half (also short) is about all adult children, addicted or not addicted. I am working on being a good parent to adults so I found this searching YouTube.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks MWM.

She states the obvious when she says that we don't "own" our children, that we don't have a right to have expectations of anyone but ourselves, and that we need to put the emphasis on our own life and stop ruminating about theirs.

I believe all of that to be true and I think when our kids do go off the rails, it's easy to forget all 3 of those things. When I look back over the last few years I can see that I was not adhering to any of that but I had to learn how to do it........I think it's pretty hard to do.......and yet, if we're going to have any kind of a life, it becomes absolutely necessary. We parents really struggle with all of it when we have difficult child's, which is why detaching is so difficult.

Lately for me, it's as if I picked up my own life after a really long vacation from it. Parenting in general takes up portions of our lives, but parenting a difficult child, takes up every bit of energy and space and vitality and can extract our very life force. All of that is now mine, like a big empty space I get to fill up with what I want. I couldn't be more grateful and happy about it.

 

[Tanya M]

Spot on!! Thanks for sharing.

 

[pasajes4]

I have absolutely no problem leaving my oldest son to his own devices. He has made a mess of things job wise and personally. His father is supporting him, and I am fine with it. Not my monkey...not my circus.

 

[Albatross]

"You don't have a right to have expectations about anyone but yourself." I love this!

I have learned that I really need to consciously make a consistent day-by-day effort to remember where difficult child ends and I begin. If I don't, he usurps me completely. Actually, that isn't true. My THOUGHTS about difficult child and my efforts to CONTROL difficult child usurp me completely. I need to remember that difficult child is not a reflection of ME anymore. His successes and failures are his own.

 

[recoveringenabler]

My THOUGHTS about difficult child and my efforts to CONTROL difficult child usurp me completely. I need to remember that difficult child is not a reflection of ME anymore.

I like that Albatross, making the distinction that it is YOUR THOUGHTS that are the culprit. Since I've been able to lasso my mind and recognize the thought patterns which have run amok, I have been able to liberate myself from so much suffering..........it is almost remarkable in fact. And, recognizing that my daughter is not a reflection or extension of me, nor someone whom I get to judge and YES, that I don't have a right to have expectations!!........ it's incredibly freeing!

Albatross, you seem to be moving through the suffering ..........you seem to be a lot more okay with the situation with your son, is that true? I'd like to hear where you find yourself now.........

 

[Albatross]

Thanks for asking, RE. I had a bit of a realization when you asked where I find myself now, that my first thoughts went to how I am, rather than how my son is. That's a big change from how things have been.

I think I feel a little more grounded, rather than being in the clouds when he is doing well and in the cellar when he's floundering. The middle ground turns out to be a much more peaceful place.

But I also have to honestly say that right now in terms of difficult child's situation, things are better than they were, so these are easier times in terms of suffering.

I love what you said about picking up your own life after a really long vacation from it. Sometimes I feel like my life has been in a holding pattern for a very long time...