Are You Raising Someone elses Child?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by garrison, Apr 15, 2012.

  1. garrison

    garrison New Member

    I am. I was wondering how many others out there are raising grand kids, or step kids, just someone else's child.

    Mr I. is my grandson. He has lived with pops and I for the last 5 yrs.

    Thinking in print, Garrison
  2. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Hello garrison. My husband and I are raising his daughter from a previous relationship. I do love her, but sometimes it's hard to like her... However I don't know if it would be easier or harder if she was my own biochild. She has a LOT of issues that make life with her quite difficult at times...
  3. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    I am raising my step-son, and he is the difficult child around here. i also think it would be alot easier if he was my bio kid because he has attachment issues so it has been hard for dad and i to bond with him properly. if he was a bio-kid we could have avoided alot of issues, the attachment problems for instance and the damage that was done to him in utero by bio's drug abuse. but, it is what it is and we are doing the best we can.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning Garrison,
    I am raising my 16 year old granddaughter. My daughter is not capable of raising her because of severe emotional issues. My granddaughter went through a pretty terrible adjustment period when she first came to live with me, about 2 years of punishing me for her mother's deeds. It was a tough transition. She had therapy and at one point I had to tell her to leave and live with her other grandmother for awhile because she was so difficult. While she was there she had what she terms an epiphany, where she realized how much I meant to her and had done for her, and in fact, I had been her 'rock' and always there for her since her birth. She came back then and she's been a delight since. I think I'm fortunate that she is such an insightful and perceptive kid, but, at my age, sometimes I get very tired. Fortunately I have a fiancee who just adores her and he picks up a lot of slack. It's tough sometimes really just because of our age. You have a longer haul with a young boy, with our granddaughter, she will be going to college in 2 1/2 years and much of the heavy lifting is over now. My granddaughter's therapist told us that the percentage of grandparents raising their grandkids is literally epidemic now because of substance abuse, mental illness and parents who just don't take responsibility for their own kids. I hear you when you say you're tired!!! There is a lot of joy too, my granddaughter brings a lot of laughter and youthfulness to us, we both love to hear her cracking up in her room with her girlfriends. It's a mixed bag, no doubt about it. What is your experience?
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I am an adoptive mom so technically he was someone else's child but of course he is my child since I accepted placement. He just yesterday figured out he had his brain surgery before I adopted him. (LOL, he was saying if I would not have allowed it then he would have that part of his brain because he is so desperately wanting to not have his "issues' right now.... well first of all, he would not be alive, and secondly I was not around to have any say..."oh"---big news to him, though not the first time we have discussed it, I think it was the first time he understood since he is much older now).

    I think those of you who take care of/raise grands are amazing. Not that I think I would do any differently--there is a connection I suppose that would make it hard NOT to do it. I was cared for by my grandmother for extended times when I was young. My mom was ill so one grand took my sister as a baby/toddler and the other took me because she had a daughter only four years older than I. It is such a sweet and amazing bond to be able to connect with grandparents. (and I know there are aunts/uncles who do the same)....

    Step parents who fully take on the role are awesome to me too. I have a step mother and she had no children of her own. She did not try to be our mother but she loves us and treats us the same. She has pictures of all of our kids ....her grandkids... at work. She gives us money in emergencies, drives us to the hospital if needed etc.... and has never tried to take over our mother's role. She did not have to raise us, but I really do appreciate from the "child's" perspective (two sisters were young when my dad married) that she took on the role she did. Only my youngest sister had difficult child-like issues but nothing like what we talk about here rebelling or opposition, mostly depression/anxiety (still that way as I have shared, but a very responsible mom). They worked as a team and I learned a lot from them about unconditional love.

    Just wanted to say, I can imagine it is hard but I have no real clue how hard, and I really admire that you stepped up as you all did.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    My kids are all adopted so they were someone else's children but now they are mine.
  7. garrison

    garrison New Member

    I am envious of the adoptions! LOL My life would be so much easier if I could adopt!
    Here's our story- My son (bio dad) got a young woman PG. (In 04) We live in the great white north. Before we knew she was PG her mom shipped her off to live with dad in TX. Shortly after she moved we found out that she was PG. Bio mom called and told us that dad wouldn't take her to the DR and there was no food in the house. Pop's and I decided to bring her back up here and let her stay with us till the baby was born.
    Bio's moved out shortly after Mr. I. was born. Much drugs and stupidness later, they split. Mr. I. had stayed here several times during that time frame. Bio mom called in August of 07 and asked if I would watch Mr. I. for a week so she could work with the carnival. I said yes. She left town and didn't come back for 6 weeks. While she was gone i applied for and won Gaurdianship. Bio dad was unemployed and couch surfing. He was not in a position to care for Mr. I.
    I had guardianship for 2 yrs. The courts returned Mr. I. to his parents. Bio mom had another baby and fell apart again. Bio dad lived here on his weekly visits with Mr. I. Bio mom left him more and for longer periods.
    Last Sept bio dad moved out of my place and in with new girlfriend. Bio mom moved (again) and landed in a homeless shelter. Both parents agreed to leave Mr. I. here during the week. It was a very difficult and smart choice. I give them a lot of credit for making it.
    Mr. I. sees his bios on the weekends and vacations. They both call often and are involved in his care.
    Bio dad and his lady are expecting a baby boy in June. Both work full time plus and are doing ok.
    Bio mom is still homeless and jobless. She is expecting her third child in August.
    We all work very hard at giving Mr. I. what he needs. It's not perfect but it works for us.

  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, since we are the same age I am not going to feel sorry for your old bones! But I still think it is wonderful that you are supporting your grandson. Terrible for his half sibs that keep being born, hopefully bio dad will do much better this time.

    When they take him, where do they go if mom is homeless??
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Technically, since he is adopted and not biologically ours. But we've had him since he was 2 days old so he IS OURS. Forever.

    Don't know if that answers your question ...
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it's a little slower around here on the weekend - but there are others on the board raising grandchildren, for example.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well we had our oldest granddaughter on and off for most of her first 5 years except her dad lived with us some of that time. She would be here for weeks at a time before she went to pre-K. At 5 she moved with her mother from NC to MO and broke all of our hearts. We are supposed to get her for the summers. I am using the royal we as in us and her dad. Her dad has grown up a bit and now lives on his own and has a new baby sister that she just adores.
  12. hersheyb79

    hersheyb79 New Member

    We are foster parents, so we are always raising a child or two who's not ours. We've also adopted one of our kids.

    Unfortunately our difficult child is neither foster nor adopted (say that because if he was adopted thorough foster care he would be on Medicaid and not private insurance, making it easier to get him the help he needs). However, I can see our adopted daughter having a lot of the same issues difficult child has in the future.