Aren't I just the big bad witch

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by cindygirl, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. cindygirl

    cindygirl New Member

    I have been a member of this board for a very long time. I pop in and out I can finally find the time. About 6 months ago, we sent our difficult child across the country to live with her grandfather. It was an agonizing decision but it really came down to a choice of losing her to the streets in the murder capital of Canada or doing what could be the only way to save her life.

    I have dealt with all the realities of odd and conduct disorder co mingled with adhd sinceshe was 3 years old. She has seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists, and been in out of special behaviour modification programs since she was that age and my parents and family never offered one ounce of support. She got trapped in a program of all boys behaviour modification for 4 years and her behaviour only got worse, much worse. When we talked about mainstreaming her we got a lot of excuses to the point where we moved 2000 miles away and we enrolled her in a regular school program. When we had done all that to be closer to my family she was basically ridiculed and shunted aside for my sisters children so we finally chose to move back across the country so that my husband could find steady work again.

    About 15 months ago our daughter was victimized by a pedophile and then the real problems began. She started doing numerous drugs and hanging around with very undesirable people. She was stealing and dissapearing for up to 5 days at a time and it was always our fault. I never said one word to my family and we tried to work with the regional resources in this province to get her the help she needed. At one point I had a person basically living on my couch to make sure that she stayed home at night. She lulled all the workers into a false sense of security and then one night while the worker was sleeping on the couch she managed to sneak into the basement and dissapear out the window. We had her locked up twice in a lock down facility and hopitalized once. We had her sent to a drug detox 5 times and all of this in 7 months. Finally we went with the suggestions of a team of professionals that had found a program that was supposed to rehabilitate her. It turns out that this program was to reintegrate street kids into a home atmosphere which only introduced her to more street kids and their illegal activities.

    In desperation my husband called my father and he flew across the country to try and keep her safe. We entered into an agreement where he would make sure she got the psychological counselling and back into school and that she would be safe. I wasn't happy about what they had decided but when she was running the street with knives, stealing cars ect. the system administrators here convinced us it was the best for her.

    After she went with him he always assured us everything was perfect. She was attending school and making good friends ect.. He then came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with her that couldn't be laid at our feet. Whenever there was a problem he would call whining to me but then the next time we talked nothing had happened. In early December she got suspended from school and he finally had to act and get her a psychologist. The earliest he could get her an appointment was the beginning of January. Then at her first appointment it came out that the "boy" she was seeing was a 26 year old man. She had led everyone to think that he was a 15 year old who went to a different school. I talked to my father immediately after the appointment. and he told me point blank that the psycholgist had told him that she couldn't discuss anything that was said. It turns out that the psycholgist actually told him about this man and instead of discussing it with me the parent he went to my sister whom I do not talk to. It turns out that this is what he has been going behind our back for the last 6 months. We weren't told numerous things that we should have been told about, and he has at sometime decided that he had rescued my daughter from our evil clutches. Forget the fact that for 11 years we have had numerous professionals dealing with her, this man is on his white charger saving the day by not monitoring her activities but we are all wrong.

    What can you do with a person who has never really dealt with the psychological problems in the family and just ignored them. My sister calls him 15 times a day and does not make one decision without consulting him to the exclusion of her husband. Whenever a problem comes up they take a trip to Disney to make everything better. difficult child was supposed to have good grades to earn a trip to Disney for Christmas but instead she was barely making 50's, was suspended for a week and missed the last week before xmas vacation so that they could have a magical christmas. Everyone here has gone through something like this. I have heard it for 10 years and still it absolutely baffles the braincells that someone can be this wrong and try to turn a child against a parent. Someone in our life has that perfect child and so this is really our fault. | sometimes wish that their perfect child develops the same problems or that they get a dose of the biggotry that they have been directing our way.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Cindy, that is rough. It is very painful to have family not believe us when we are reaching out to them. It is especially ugly if they see the problems and are not denying them!

    You did as much as you could. They love her and will keep her as safe as anyone can. That is good.

    I am sorry for your aching mommy heart!

  3. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    OMG! This is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with right now - my mother has chosen to interfere to the point where we are now unable to send my 15yo son to a top-notch military school and instead must, as best I can figure, sign him over to the state.

    WE do everything wrong, he is an angel; he never lies - gosh, must be me, then, huh? And the psychs, cops, DFS, etc. ACK!

    If you figure it out, please let me know. I'm at the end of my rope.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My first recommendation is to post on Teens and Substance Abuse.
    Secondly, how old is your child?
    As hard as it is to take, some families are not interested in helping (mine was NOT) and when they finally agree, they want to disregard you and take control.
    I don't know what to tell you, but I do wish you lots and lots of luck. Others will drop by.
  5. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Sending you hugs. I have been there done that with my difficult child and my family.

    My family thought the problems were between her and us (not anything to do with her diagnosis). Anyway, my father saw the light pretty quickly with her living with them (from 17 1/2 until 18). My mother talks tough one minute, but then caves in very quickly to my difficult child and her wants.

    It definitely put a strain between my family (husband, easy child and me) and my parents.
  6. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Sending lots of hugs to you!!! Just remember one thing - it's NOT your fault!! You did everything you could be doing - shame on your family for not helping the way they should be! My daughter was also abused and it is not easy letting go of that guilt - I'm still in the process. We can only do so much, we are still human too! It's an awful situation and I do feel for you in a big way!!!!!