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Argh! Kid is a mess. And very volatile mess for that
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 660113" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Thank you Lil for being so kind.</p><p></p><p>You know what is kind of odd about it: His attitude. It's not odd that he lied to cover for his dad at the time; that is something kids do. And he was old and bright enough to know we would had been in huge trouble; even spanking had been illegal here since over a decade before he was born. But he still doesn't really admit any hard feelings over it.</p><p></p><p>We of course talked with him about it after that ER visit. Apologized, told him we had done wrong and we or no one else had any right hurting him like that nor treating him so harshly however desperate or worried we were. Explained the laws and what he is entitled to by law, which was among other things "be treated with understanding and tenderness and has right to feel safe." He was more interested about getting back to his sports than our apologies at the time. We told him that if he wanted to, we could talk about it later if it would bother him. He never has raised the topic.</p><p></p><p>We have two times after he turned 18 and was out of house and not dependent of us any more. First when he was diagnosed with PTSD and second time a year ago when he was having a good patch. He doesn't seem interested and states that he doesn't blame us nor does he think about whole thing at all and he has forgiven long ago.</p><p></p><p>For us, Ache more so, but also to me and hubby, the injury itself has always felt less significant thing, maybe because it was far from only injury Ache had as a kid. He seemed to break something once a year and smaller injuries were very common. Some were his organized sports but most were unorganized sports or just playing around. He has always been a huge risk taker and first to try anything stupid and dangerous, especially if it is high or moves fast. So he has had more stitches than average evening gown or few and while he has some bones in his body that have not been broken, some others have been more than once. Looking back some of the accidents were also likely in fact acts of bullying, but he never admitted that either. </p><p></p><p>But overall cruelty and attitude we treated Ache those few months was totally unacceptable and it is still difficult to wrap our brains around how twisted our attitude and outlook could had ended up with. You see, we really did cherish Ache before we started to see him as an enemy. We were not cold and callous towards him before but loving and empathetic. But in very short time after we decided raising him was war and this one battle we were going to win and decided to give a commando parenting a go, we started to see him in very different way little by little. And in couple months something like him looking sad or crying could be interpreted by us as for example manipulating instead of him feeling sad. Him being delightful for his grandpa as triangulating instead of him having good time with grandpa and so on. It was just so weird mindset and I still can't understand how we could fell to that kind of negative interpretation of him so quickly and so easily.</p><p></p><p>Ache of course has a right to interpret his past as he wishes and he also has right to deal with his emotion about it as he feels is best. And I of course do not know if he for example has talked about also this with his former therapist and simply doesn't trust us enough or does not see a point talking it out with us. And it would be selfish of us to push it too much because we still feel so bad about it. He certainly doesn't owe us to talk about it with us so that we would get some kind of closure. </p><p></p><p>But even if he doesn't want to talk about it or says he doesn't harbour ill feelings over it, it is still part of our relationship with him. Especially his and his dad's rockier relationship (and it has at times been very rocky.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 660113, member: 14557"] Thank you Lil for being so kind. You know what is kind of odd about it: His attitude. It's not odd that he lied to cover for his dad at the time; that is something kids do. And he was old and bright enough to know we would had been in huge trouble; even spanking had been illegal here since over a decade before he was born. But he still doesn't really admit any hard feelings over it. We of course talked with him about it after that ER visit. Apologized, told him we had done wrong and we or no one else had any right hurting him like that nor treating him so harshly however desperate or worried we were. Explained the laws and what he is entitled to by law, which was among other things "be treated with understanding and tenderness and has right to feel safe." He was more interested about getting back to his sports than our apologies at the time. We told him that if he wanted to, we could talk about it later if it would bother him. He never has raised the topic. We have two times after he turned 18 and was out of house and not dependent of us any more. First when he was diagnosed with PTSD and second time a year ago when he was having a good patch. He doesn't seem interested and states that he doesn't blame us nor does he think about whole thing at all and he has forgiven long ago. For us, Ache more so, but also to me and hubby, the injury itself has always felt less significant thing, maybe because it was far from only injury Ache had as a kid. He seemed to break something once a year and smaller injuries were very common. Some were his organized sports but most were unorganized sports or just playing around. He has always been a huge risk taker and first to try anything stupid and dangerous, especially if it is high or moves fast. So he has had more stitches than average evening gown or few and while he has some bones in his body that have not been broken, some others have been more than once. Looking back some of the accidents were also likely in fact acts of bullying, but he never admitted that either. But overall cruelty and attitude we treated Ache those few months was totally unacceptable and it is still difficult to wrap our brains around how twisted our attitude and outlook could had ended up with. You see, we really did cherish Ache before we started to see him as an enemy. We were not cold and callous towards him before but loving and empathetic. But in very short time after we decided raising him was war and this one battle we were going to win and decided to give a commando parenting a go, we started to see him in very different way little by little. And in couple months something like him looking sad or crying could be interpreted by us as for example manipulating instead of him feeling sad. Him being delightful for his grandpa as triangulating instead of him having good time with grandpa and so on. It was just so weird mindset and I still can't understand how we could fell to that kind of negative interpretation of him so quickly and so easily. Ache of course has a right to interpret his past as he wishes and he also has right to deal with his emotion about it as he feels is best. And I of course do not know if he for example has talked about also this with his former therapist and simply doesn't trust us enough or does not see a point talking it out with us. And it would be selfish of us to push it too much because we still feel so bad about it. He certainly doesn't owe us to talk about it with us so that we would get some kind of closure. But even if he doesn't want to talk about it or says he doesn't harbour ill feelings over it, it is still part of our relationship with him. Especially his and his dad's rockier relationship (and it has at times been very rocky.) [/QUOTE]
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Argh! Kid is a mess. And very volatile mess for that
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