arguing over thanksgiving!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Nov 21, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    So yup we are arguing over thanksgiving boyfriend and i!! Ahh gotta love the holidays such a warm and loving time!!! LOL NOT!!!

    So, here's the deal, boyfriend doesn't have his kids this year, it's his first thanksgiving with-o them. We lucked out last year and had them, we spent the day at his dad's house for thanksgiving. It worked only because all 5 kids were together, so mine didn't feel totally out of place. Yet last year around this time difficult child crashed hard, went into some major depressive state hence her need for immediate crisis intervention was needed, etc. we went from a high to a low within seemed liked seconds!

    So, with that being said i'm a little shakey about putting difficult child into a situation this thanksgiving that may potentially freak her out to be blunt. So, my parents are doing dinner out with-my brother for thanksgiving back home roughly 70 miles away, and boyfriend's dad is hosting thanksgiving again (with boyfriend as usual cooking the turkey?). And did i mention boyfriend's family is pushing him to go.

    So, delimna is this, do I A. go to my parents with kids for thanksgiving so difficult child is around familiar faces (she doesn't really get on with his family), she barely talks to mine takes her time to warm up. Don't place her in uncomfortable situation with ppl she doens't know that well.

    or do I b. just say ok difficult child just deal we are going to boyfriend's for thanksgiving, no we won't have the kids it'll just be us. She'll be miserable I just know it. She'll be clingy and uncomfortable all day long and lost there. Not to mention easy child who will be miserable also there.

    I'm so confused. boyfriend has on more than one occassion said he'll "do the right thing" and just to go my family's house. Yet he has strongly stated how he doens't want to go and would rather spend it with his family who he doens't get to see due to his ridiculous work hours (soo not my fault!).

    So, you know me i'm like "buddy, don't do me any favors!" go where you want to go! That's the "nasty" Jen in me. :) yup there certainly is one!

    In all honesty i don't want to split us up for thanksgiving i think that would be wrong, wrong message to send to kids, wrong for us. we are trying to be a family, we are trying to make our union work. Yet he is being so difficult I want to shake him by continously saying how he wants to be with his dad for thanksgiving like a 2 year old!!! Meanwhile back on the ranch we did thanksgiving with them last year. So, I don't think it's fair.

    OK so what do you guys think?? and don't hold back :)

    P.S. we were trying to find soup kitchen to work in with kids for thanksgiving yet weren't able to find one. He keeps telling me I said ok to his sister's house if soup kitchen didn't work out. 'I'm not sure if that's my lack of memory, him lying, or my "selective" memory LOL :)
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I'm just confused i really am. Should I place difficult child into a situation in which i truly know she will be uncomfortable, how is that fair to her?? Or am i once again over accomodating for her by not going to his families house?? Yet flip side is we did do thanksgiving with them last year. ugh.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Jen, if you know that difficult child will have a very rough time at boyfriend's parents house, and you know that easy child will be bored silly, and you know that you'd prefer to go to your parents' place for thanksgiving, then I think that's where you need to be.

    boyfriend should make his own decision for similar reasons.

    I don't think it's wrong or sets a bad example for your children if you spend the holiday at different places. It all depends on HOW you do so. If you each stalk off in a snit to your respective parents' places, because you couldn't come to an agreement, then yes I agree, not such a good example for the children.

    But, if you figure things out rationally, don't get mad at each other, and each make the decision that makes you happy, then that shows your children that a non-traditional setup can work if everyone behaves themselves and talks things through.

    Hope this helps,
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto everything that Trinity said so well.

    Being apart for one holiday will not represent a break of any kind, IF you present it as merely a simple solution. It is what it is. I know you WANT to be together and you feel that as a family you SHOULD be together, but sometimes things don't always go as planned and you have to adjust.

    I would choose whatever option will be in the best interest of everyong and if that means you each do your own thing on this one day, then so be it. Whether or not boyfriend is being a butthead isn't the issue - the issue is you making a decision that is best suited for you and your kiddos and boyfriend doing likewise for himself.

    Best of luck. It does stink to be in a blended family situation at times. Don't let this one thing ruin all that you've accomplished.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I actually think it sets a good example, particularly for girls (but I won't go into it), if mommies and daddies can go different directions and everyone be ok with it.
    In our case, my family is far away while husband's lives in the same town. My family rarely gets together on a holiday, tho, but we kinda have an unwritten rule that if they do have a gathering on a holiday, and husband's family does, as well, mine trumps because they are far away and spread out, while husband's is close. But that doesn't really sound like it applies in your case, either.
    I guess my vote would be each *happily* go your own way and agree to be home at a certain time for an evening together.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member


    thanks for the feedback. i appreciate it. it may seem like we're two kids arguing yet it's a hard issue. i am a traditional type of person, i enjoy family gatherings, holidays that sort of thing. it wasnt' horrible last year by any means at his dad's house it was just different and i'm so incredibly pliable i can have fun in a paper bag.

    yet difficult child isn't that way. i was afraid of catering to her needs yet again. yet you guys woke me out of my stump and stupor. there's no reason to make my kids miserable on the holiday at all. they will be miserablethere without his kids and just him and i and ppl they don't know, especially difficult child. she has come way way too far to allow one day to throw her backwards at this point.

    so, i just called him and left a message and said i'm giong to my mom's it is up to you at this pt what you want to do. i am not going to lie i think he's wrong. it's one thing if we had a set holiday tradition for years, etc and this one time we switched it up yet we are still trying Occupational Therapist (OT) find our "holidays" and moments and traditions so i think that he is being a bit selfish here.

    oh well. such is life. :)
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You prolly know this, but... if you are going to be upset if he doesn't go with you to your family's, you need to let him know that. I think the ol' "do whatever you want (but you'll pay later)" routine is too easy to use. Just be up front about your wants/needs.
    Sounds like it might be such a thing that your family will be almost as much for difficult child to get thru, too. You may need to make your day short regardless of where you go to accomodate her.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Yes I totally see your point and took your sound advice. After I handled it the right way he said im not going to my families with out you and the kids, that would be just stupid. yes he's a man of "such eloquent words" NOT!!! I said ok, but you have to be good with it. He said I am.

    So, thanks for helping me resolve that before i screamed really loud!!! I may have to, we have never gone out to eat on thanksgiving before, that in itself will be odd. I think it was a lesser of two evils decision this year. Our place isn't big enough to host it otherwise i would of loved to of done that.

    Thanks again you guys!!!!!
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Coming in late on this. Personally, I'd do the soup kitchen for the entire family. It's such a good lesson for all involved. You get to eat, help and be a family.

  10. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Well looks like I came to this late. You say you don't have room to have the families there. Look into for next year. Sometimes cozy can be nice for a change.

  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    abbey i know i wish we could of found one. we searched for 3 weeks and found nothinig. they had them in the city, yet we couldn't find one around where we live. i would of loved to of done that. we emailed, called and left messages it was close to impossible.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you resolved this. I do think you may have to cut it short to accomodate difficult child. I STRONGLE recommend taking books, video games, pencil and paper, whatever to keep difficult child busy while you eat out. It really makes things easier.

    We have a LOT of fun with Mad Libs at the table. You can print some out if you google mad libs. Even Thanksgiving ones. we have done it for years with all our kids, and even my parents and my adopted gma (neighbor) used to LOVE them. My folks still do, but adopted gma has moved.

    anyway, take stuff to keep her busy so she will behave at the restaurant.

    I am sorry you couldn't find a soup kitchen. The absolute BEST Thanksgiving food I have EVER had was at a dinner for the homeless in Austin. I was volunteering at it with a group of friends. Willie Nelson was lined up to sing! ALL the food came from the big hotels, and it was amazing!

    Sadly, we actually had to go and FIND the homeless to come and eat with us. We all sat down with them and everyone chatted with everyone.

    We did have a problem as a couple of offices of snotty business people heard that the fancy hotels were cooking the food. They came in (about 100 of them!) and were just RUDE. They even asked to take the leftover food home, one guy wanted to take a whole turkey! We fed them, but we did gently ask them to behave, and they didn't get a single plate of leftovers - we made sure the homeless had those!

    Anyway, next year you may be in a better position to arrange to go to a soup kitchen.


  13. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm too late on this but I agree with those who said it's an ok message for the family to do different things. The step issue is a real one and when we try to fit our dynamics into the same one as those without those issues, it's just not going to work. As long as you do some things as a family unit it's ok to separate at times. It sends a strong powerful message that you don't have to always fulfil everyone else's expectations of us.

    Second families are really hard and the holidays can be painful. Try to hold on the good things about them and know you're not alone and others totally related and understand. Love, ML