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Arrested - Need Support
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 622912" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Yes, it's ok to detach. It is actually better for you if you do. But I have a few questions as I am an adoptive parent too.</p><p></p><p>Do you know who his birthparents are? Substance abuse there? The reason I asked is because personality and a predisposition to alcohol/drug addiction seems to be inherited and nature often trumps nurture. I've been in an adoptive parents group for over twenty years and as a group of adoptive parents, many who know the birthparents, we are almost all in agreement on this. I see your son was adopted at age two. It is possible he has attachment disorder too if his first two years were full of chaos and major breaks and different caregivers. Is your son dangerous to others as well as to himself?</p><p></p><p>At any rate, he is of age and you have little control over him. What you can do is set boundaries, such as you did...you will post his bail, but he is to pay you back pronto. Since he is succeeding at his job, I think that's a good choice as long as he is actually obligated to pay you back.</p><p></p><p>When we "lose" the child that we hoped to have, I think we all grieve. It's sort of like a death. You adopted an adorable little boy (I adopted one also at age two and he was sooooooooo cute). Then that little boy, whom you hoped to give a great life to and had hopes and dreams for, turned to drugs, something he has not seen in his home and that you don't do. Of course you will grieve. In our case, the two year old adopted boy has autism, but we knew that when we adopted him and he is a great kid. However, I have a biological son who I had hoped would at least be a nice person, and he isn't. And I did adopt a child at age six from another country and he walked out on us without a glance backward when he got married. Nobody even knows why. THAT was like a death. Or felt like one.</p><p></p><p>I leave you with my favorite prayer, although it is wise, in my opinion, even if you are an atheist.</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>the COURAGE to change the things I can,</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>It may help you and your husband to go to an Al-Anon meeting for support and also to learn how to take care of yourself and stay happy even though your son is struggling. Many of us had a lot of trouble letting go of our children's problems long enough to remember that we have our own lives to live and other people who love us as well as the struggling difficult child. I love Al-Anon. If you don't want to go to a twelve step meeting, I would consider a private therapist for both of you to help you deal with this.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 622912, member: 1550"] Yes, it's ok to detach. It is actually better for you if you do. But I have a few questions as I am an adoptive parent too. Do you know who his birthparents are? Substance abuse there? The reason I asked is because personality and a predisposition to alcohol/drug addiction seems to be inherited and nature often trumps nurture. I've been in an adoptive parents group for over twenty years and as a group of adoptive parents, many who know the birthparents, we are almost all in agreement on this. I see your son was adopted at age two. It is possible he has attachment disorder too if his first two years were full of chaos and major breaks and different caregivers. Is your son dangerous to others as well as to himself? At any rate, he is of age and you have little control over him. What you can do is set boundaries, such as you did...you will post his bail, but he is to pay you back pronto. Since he is succeeding at his job, I think that's a good choice as long as he is actually obligated to pay you back. When we "lose" the child that we hoped to have, I think we all grieve. It's sort of like a death. You adopted an adorable little boy (I adopted one also at age two and he was sooooooooo cute). Then that little boy, whom you hoped to give a great life to and had hopes and dreams for, turned to drugs, something he has not seen in his home and that you don't do. Of course you will grieve. In our case, the two year old adopted boy has autism, but we knew that when we adopted him and he is a great kid. However, I have a biological son who I had hoped would at least be a nice person, and he isn't. And I did adopt a child at age six from another country and he walked out on us without a glance backward when he got married. Nobody even knows why. THAT was like a death. Or felt like one. I leave you with my favorite prayer, although it is wise, in my opinion, even if you are an atheist. "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, And the WISDOM to know the difference." It may help you and your husband to go to an Al-Anon meeting for support and also to learn how to take care of yourself and stay happy even though your son is struggling. Many of us had a lot of trouble letting go of our children's problems long enough to remember that we have our own lives to live and other people who love us as well as the struggling difficult child. I love Al-Anon. If you don't want to go to a twelve step meeting, I would consider a private therapist for both of you to help you deal with this. I'm so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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