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<blockquote data-quote="neednewtechnique" data-source="post: 39998" data-attributes="member: 3527"><p>There is something that my husband and I keep hearing from psychiatrist and from therapist and all the books we keep reading that we have finally had to learn the hard way, and believe me, it is NOT an easy concept to swallow for us because, same as you, we WANT our difficult child to be successful....</p><p></p><p>All the "brains" keep stressing the importance of "natural consequences". This does not just apply to school, but to other things as well. They tell us not to be afraid to let difficult child fail. This is very hard for us, and probably for ALL parents because we don't want to see our child have to repeat a year of school or go through any of the tough things that we try to teach them to avoid before they get involved in something they shouldn't.... this was brought to us by everyone when we were concerned that our difficult child was going to fail her 7th grade. At first, I was FURIOUS that her psychiatrist suggested this to us and even MORE furious that she suggested it in FRONT of our difficult child. But, same as your son, our difficult child told us that she did NOT want us to back off of her about it because she didn't want to fail. </p><p></p><p>We made a simple arrangement that she would be responsible for completing homework and studying for tests, and that we would be available and MORE than HAPPY to help if she wanted us to, but that we were not going to get involved unless she approached us about it. I requested the school send us a copy of her progress report updated on a weekly basis, and when I receive it, my husband and I, along with our difficult child sit down and review her grades and talk about the things that are going on in each class and if any of her grades have dropped, we discuss the difficulties she is having in those classes and we offer our help and advice and try to work on getting them up. </p><p></p><p>This helps us in many different ways. Number one, if she is the one that approaches us for help, she is going to be more accepting of the advice we give, rather than feeling like we are attacking her or hoarding over her during homework time. Number two, the weekly "meetings" offer her the stability of KNOWING what we will be discussing and giving her a chance to prepare herself for how she would like the discussion to go, rather than us surprising her with it when she isn't prepared to answer for her performance. Number three, just knowing that we are keeping track on a weekly basis helps with the accountability. She knows that even though we aren't standing over her with an iron skillet, that we are still keeping track of what she is doing and it motivates her to stay on track. </p><p></p><p>I can't say that this will work for you, but it seems to be doing wonders for us, because in January, her progress reports were always D's and F's and we were constantly battling over schoolwork and studying. Now, only 4 short months later, we are seeing progress reports with A's and B's and only an occasional C....and there is hardly EVER any fighting over schoolwork. We still have an occasional battle when she gets ahead of herself and asks us for our help just a little too soon and she is still not quite ready to accept it, and times when she waits too long that she is already too frustrated to understand what we are telling her. But that takes some learning on how to wait just long enough that they are sure they are stuck and are ready to accept help, but not waiting so long that they are frustrated to the point that they can't think clearly to UNDERSTAND the advice they are getting. After a while, it gets easier for everyone and difficult child can also learn a LOT by this about how to handle their frustration and when is the right time to back off of a task for a while before going back to it. Many times NOW, if difficult child is stuck, she will walk away from it for 15 minutes, go get a drink or a snack and rest her brain, then when she goes back to it, she has cleared her head enough that she understands it all on her own, but if not, then she knows she is ready for help. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if this will work for you, but it certainly has helped our difficult child bring her grades up...PLUS as an extra bonus, our rage fits at home have been cut by about 75 percent. The biggest thing that her psychiatrist and her therapist keep telling us is that BEFORE attempting this method, we must be prepared for the possibility that if our difficult child doesn't comply, she could possibly fail, and we have to be ready to let that happen. This was tough for us. Luckily, it didn't come to that for us, but as advised, we were prepared for it just in case, so imagine our surprise when the grades started going UP and not DOWN.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="neednewtechnique, post: 39998, member: 3527"] There is something that my husband and I keep hearing from psychiatrist and from therapist and all the books we keep reading that we have finally had to learn the hard way, and believe me, it is NOT an easy concept to swallow for us because, same as you, we WANT our difficult child to be successful.... All the "brains" keep stressing the importance of "natural consequences". This does not just apply to school, but to other things as well. They tell us not to be afraid to let difficult child fail. This is very hard for us, and probably for ALL parents because we don't want to see our child have to repeat a year of school or go through any of the tough things that we try to teach them to avoid before they get involved in something they shouldn't.... this was brought to us by everyone when we were concerned that our difficult child was going to fail her 7th grade. At first, I was FURIOUS that her psychiatrist suggested this to us and even MORE furious that she suggested it in FRONT of our difficult child. But, same as your son, our difficult child told us that she did NOT want us to back off of her about it because she didn't want to fail. We made a simple arrangement that she would be responsible for completing homework and studying for tests, and that we would be available and MORE than HAPPY to help if she wanted us to, but that we were not going to get involved unless she approached us about it. I requested the school send us a copy of her progress report updated on a weekly basis, and when I receive it, my husband and I, along with our difficult child sit down and review her grades and talk about the things that are going on in each class and if any of her grades have dropped, we discuss the difficulties she is having in those classes and we offer our help and advice and try to work on getting them up. This helps us in many different ways. Number one, if she is the one that approaches us for help, she is going to be more accepting of the advice we give, rather than feeling like we are attacking her or hoarding over her during homework time. Number two, the weekly "meetings" offer her the stability of KNOWING what we will be discussing and giving her a chance to prepare herself for how she would like the discussion to go, rather than us surprising her with it when she isn't prepared to answer for her performance. Number three, just knowing that we are keeping track on a weekly basis helps with the accountability. She knows that even though we aren't standing over her with an iron skillet, that we are still keeping track of what she is doing and it motivates her to stay on track. I can't say that this will work for you, but it seems to be doing wonders for us, because in January, her progress reports were always D's and F's and we were constantly battling over schoolwork and studying. Now, only 4 short months later, we are seeing progress reports with A's and B's and only an occasional C....and there is hardly EVER any fighting over schoolwork. We still have an occasional battle when she gets ahead of herself and asks us for our help just a little too soon and she is still not quite ready to accept it, and times when she waits too long that she is already too frustrated to understand what we are telling her. But that takes some learning on how to wait just long enough that they are sure they are stuck and are ready to accept help, but not waiting so long that they are frustrated to the point that they can't think clearly to UNDERSTAND the advice they are getting. After a while, it gets easier for everyone and difficult child can also learn a LOT by this about how to handle their frustration and when is the right time to back off of a task for a while before going back to it. Many times NOW, if difficult child is stuck, she will walk away from it for 15 minutes, go get a drink or a snack and rest her brain, then when she goes back to it, she has cleared her head enough that she understands it all on her own, but if not, then she knows she is ready for help. I don't know if this will work for you, but it certainly has helped our difficult child bring her grades up...PLUS as an extra bonus, our rage fits at home have been cut by about 75 percent. The biggest thing that her psychiatrist and her therapist keep telling us is that BEFORE attempting this method, we must be prepared for the possibility that if our difficult child doesn't comply, she could possibly fail, and we have to be ready to let that happen. This was tough for us. Luckily, it didn't come to that for us, but as advised, we were prepared for it just in case, so imagine our surprise when the grades started going UP and not DOWN. [/QUOTE]
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