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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 647648" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lucy, I'm glad you posted about what is going on with you and with him. I have watched you and listened to you for a long time---you have been in such a good place with your difficult child. </p><p></p><p>I do think with difficult children---if we are lucky---we can hope for long periods of calm/rocking along/not perfect but okay---but then, because they are difficult children who are untreated, things will change and there will be "stuff."</p><p></p><p>I am hopeful for positive things but always quietly expecting this with my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>Truly, really, what can you do? Will talking to him change anything he is going to do? I think not. It hasn't before, and it is not likely to now.</p><p></p><p>Consequences---they either can't see them, don't care or something. Mature, well-adjusted people can look out and see cause-effect but I don't think many difficult children can or do. Their immature, sick brains live in the now---ironically, a state we who are "more well-adjusted" are always seeking. </p><p></p><p>Yesterday I participated in a roundtable session with a bunch of people from Al-Anon who are periodically invited to meet with Drug Court participants and parents to talk about Al-Anon. This is the second time I have gone. I listened to the Al-Anon people talk about their experience, strength and hope. I watched the faces of the Drug Court families and participants. It was hard to tell if anything we were saying was well-received, tolerated or creating agitation. The Al-Anon people went on for 45 minutes, at the behest of the social worker facilitator. </p><p></p><p>I heard truths I have come to know and believe and integrate into my life. I heard over and over again that we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. I heard about detachment with love, acceptance and gratitude. Accepting people for who they are, no matter how obnoxious, ugly, scary or destructive their behavior is. Offering love, encouragement and support anyway. Respecting their dignity. Allowing adults to make decisions and choices, staying out of their way as much as we can, allowing the natural consequences to occur. Live and let live. One day at a time. You may be right. It was such wonderful reinforcement for my own journey and recovery. I never can hear this too much. </p><p></p><p>Is this hard? You bet it is. We love them so much, and we can't "save them" from themselves. We know this, because we have tried and tried and tried and absolutely nothing has worked. It's enough to drive us insane. It does drive us insane. Until finally, we are forced to say: "I give." Show me something new, somebody, anybody. I can't live like this. </p><p></p><p>We would literally walk in front of a train for them, but there are so many trains. </p><p></p><p>Lucy, your son's anger is not unusual in this world. Some of us feel the same, often. It's the degree to which we decide to take it. He has decided to take it further than most, and who knows? He may be right. And in his zeal, he will have to live with the consequences of those choices, as he has been doing for a long time, in the dirt, in the cold, in the mud, as you so well know.</p><p></p><p>And if he takes it further, there are rules and laws and norms in society, and if he breaks those, he will have to suffer the consequences, and one of them may be jail, and somehow he will live with it, and who knows, Lucy, maybe jail would be a pathway for him---to something better.</p><p></p><p>We can't know what is best for him. I have slowly and painfully learned to accept that. He must walk his own path, however ugly it feels and looks to us. </p><p></p><p>It's so hard. It's so, so hard, Lucy, to watch this from someone we love so much. </p><p></p><p>Lucy, feel your fear. Grieve this new change in him. Do what you must. It's not about perfection, and we can only do or not do what we can live with.</p><p></p><p>You are going to be okay, Lucy. You have a strong foundation of letting go, and you know how to do this already. New twists and turns temporarily derail us, but in time, in short time, for many, we can regain ourselves.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry he is moving down this path, for you. I know how much it hurts. Lucy, now is the time to step up your self-care, and do small, kind things for yourself. You deserve it. You are worthy of all good things. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs to you this day, my English friend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 647648, member: 17542"] Lucy, I'm glad you posted about what is going on with you and with him. I have watched you and listened to you for a long time---you have been in such a good place with your difficult child. I do think with difficult children---if we are lucky---we can hope for long periods of calm/rocking along/not perfect but okay---but then, because they are difficult children who are untreated, things will change and there will be "stuff." I am hopeful for positive things but always quietly expecting this with my difficult child. Truly, really, what can you do? Will talking to him change anything he is going to do? I think not. It hasn't before, and it is not likely to now. Consequences---they either can't see them, don't care or something. Mature, well-adjusted people can look out and see cause-effect but I don't think many difficult children can or do. Their immature, sick brains live in the now---ironically, a state we who are "more well-adjusted" are always seeking. Yesterday I participated in a roundtable session with a bunch of people from Al-Anon who are periodically invited to meet with Drug Court participants and parents to talk about Al-Anon. This is the second time I have gone. I listened to the Al-Anon people talk about their experience, strength and hope. I watched the faces of the Drug Court families and participants. It was hard to tell if anything we were saying was well-received, tolerated or creating agitation. The Al-Anon people went on for 45 minutes, at the behest of the social worker facilitator. I heard truths I have come to know and believe and integrate into my life. I heard over and over again that we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. I heard about detachment with love, acceptance and gratitude. Accepting people for who they are, no matter how obnoxious, ugly, scary or destructive their behavior is. Offering love, encouragement and support anyway. Respecting their dignity. Allowing adults to make decisions and choices, staying out of their way as much as we can, allowing the natural consequences to occur. Live and let live. One day at a time. You may be right. It was such wonderful reinforcement for my own journey and recovery. I never can hear this too much. Is this hard? You bet it is. We love them so much, and we can't "save them" from themselves. We know this, because we have tried and tried and tried and absolutely nothing has worked. It's enough to drive us insane. It does drive us insane. Until finally, we are forced to say: "I give." Show me something new, somebody, anybody. I can't live like this. We would literally walk in front of a train for them, but there are so many trains. Lucy, your son's anger is not unusual in this world. Some of us feel the same, often. It's the degree to which we decide to take it. He has decided to take it further than most, and who knows? He may be right. And in his zeal, he will have to live with the consequences of those choices, as he has been doing for a long time, in the dirt, in the cold, in the mud, as you so well know. And if he takes it further, there are rules and laws and norms in society, and if he breaks those, he will have to suffer the consequences, and one of them may be jail, and somehow he will live with it, and who knows, Lucy, maybe jail would be a pathway for him---to something better. We can't know what is best for him. I have slowly and painfully learned to accept that. He must walk his own path, however ugly it feels and looks to us. It's so hard. It's so, so hard, Lucy, to watch this from someone we love so much. Lucy, feel your fear. Grieve this new change in him. Do what you must. It's not about perfection, and we can only do or not do what we can live with. You are going to be okay, Lucy. You have a strong foundation of letting go, and you know how to do this already. New twists and turns temporarily derail us, but in time, in short time, for many, we can regain ourselves. I am sorry he is moving down this path, for you. I know how much it hurts. Lucy, now is the time to step up your self-care, and do small, kind things for yourself. You deserve it. You are worthy of all good things. Warm hugs to you this day, my English friend. [/QUOTE]
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