At a crossroads, need advice please

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
We cautiously agreed to let him come home and then he called today and said during morning prayer God told him that it's not about him anymore, it's about others and helping others at the house. This to me shows great character and a true change. I actually believe when he does want to come home he is ready and we will get him on his feet to be independent. So grateful today!
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
Yes he's staying until God let's him know it's time to go. He said he feels 100% ready and confident that he will be successful but that it's not about him, he's staying for unselfish reasons. Made me cry.. The program is hard and he chose to stay. My husband & I prayed last night that God would close the door if it wasn't time..
 

PatriotsGirl

Well-Known Member
YES!!!!!! Praise God!!!! Doing the happy dance!!

That is one thing Granny says to the clients that want to leave early - she tells them to look her in the eyes and tell her that God told them it was time for them to go. One client ran recently and came back the same day. Granny told her to look her in the eyes and tell her that God told her to go. She said she couldn't and that is why she came back. :)
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
He said it's always been about him. And for once he wanted it to be about others. I was gonna go pick him up and we were ready to set him up with all the tools for success and he stayed. His actions are speaking volumes to me. I'm truly touched!
 

PatriotsGirl

Well-Known Member
God does not want you to interfere in His works...remember to stay out of the way. That is the best advice I can give to you from my own experiences...now go out with your husband this weekend and rejoice! :)
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
Thank you PG! I certainly will stay outta Gods way. He has been in control from the beginning. Thanks for rejoicing with me! I'm praying for your daughter too!
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
Remember God doesn't exactly direct our lives. We do. He gave us free will to do right or wrong. This applies to all religious beliefs. God does not cure your son of craving drugs. Perhaps he in some way influences when it's time to do, but God won't do it for him. The hard work still falls on your son's shoulders.
I know I'm cynical, but after three months only I would truly take it slow and even when he gets out don't assume he is cured and pay for all these wonderful perks to get him on his feet. It's not the right way, in my opinion.

"Give a man a fish and he'll have a meal. Teach a man to fish and he'll feed himself a lifetime." I'm sure I have that wrong a bit, but God is not going to do the hard work for your son. Others who have been there may help support him, but he should probably not leave until he is ready to fish alone.

Maybe I'm too logical for this particular thread, but I think logic is best and I believe my Higher Power puts me in charge of my own life. As much as I've changed, I've done the work. My Higher Power has encouraged me, given me strength when I had none and given me hope when I had little, but nobody including my Higher Power changed me and I had to be on my own to grow up at all.

Hugs and feeling very happy for you and will pray for you and your precious son. I hope he learns the great joy of giving to others. He seems to be on the right track :)
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
Thank you somewhere.. Many truths in your post and don't worry we're taking it slow and won't give him anything more than he needs when the time comes. One day, one step at a time and my son is leading the steps.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I have read this with interest. I hope that his faith is sincere and what he is saying is not just an attempt to manipulate and prey on YOUR faith.

While he is there, PLEASE speak to some truly qualified rehab therapists about the best way for him to move on from a program. Ask them if coming back to your home where he used and pretty much did nothing but use is the best way for him to succeed as a next step. Ask the people in charge of the program that he is in about what the next step is for those who SUCCESSFULLY leave their program. Ask what the signs that he is truly ready to leave are, what the signs that he is not ready are, and how much you should or should not support or monitor him once he leaves them.

I don't think taking all of his money and saving it for him to have a place and a life are the best. I think that is infantilizing him and not empowering him. Of course you want to help him. Of course you want to see him succeed, but what you are not really addressing is the family nature of the disease of addiction. You are saying the EXACT things that the other parents of addicts are saying, and sadly, if you follow through the results will probably be what they have been for the other parents and their children - relapse, more stress, relapse.

Please, know that you are NOT qualified to be his rehab, his supervision, or to control his addiction, his behaviors or even his money. He needs to do these things with professionals. he loves you, you love him, that isn't in question. Giving you control over his life is not the answer that HE needs. HE has to figure out a next step that does NOT include drugs, alcohol, other addictions, or dependencies. That includes dependence on YOU or your home and income. What are HIS plans and how does HE plan to achieve them?

When he is truly ready to leave, he will know what he wants to do with his life, he will know what he needs to do to accomplish that, and he will have figured out how to pay for it BY HIMSELF. Until then, he is beyond your ability to help. At least to help by having him live with you.

Please remember that you don't succeed by doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Going back into your home, as your child, will only keep him from succeeding.

Before you trust that an addiction is truly gone in just 70 something days, talk to someone who's job it is to counsel those who are in recovery. Ask them about the wisdom of your plan. Ask them what the realistic odds of success are with your plan, and what a HEALTHY plan should look like.

Addiction is a family disease because the entire family gets sick even if only 1 member is getting high. Without real help, you will most likely sabotage his recovery with the best intentions in the world. By real help, I mean help from someone who has been in recovery for a long time (years) and who has real experience with successful recovery.

I hope and pray that whatever you do has the best, most successful and healthy results.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Some addicts deal with their addiction by substituting a more acceptable addiction... for example, some become addicted to religion. These don't tend to deal with the "addict personality" part of recovery, and so appear to move on faster. They remain at risk, but as long as the replacement addiction is strong, many make it through life quite successfully.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
And how will he ever move forward if he stays there?
Hi lovemyson. The answer, is this: He will solve this for himself, and from this challenge he will grow.

He will not grow if you solve this for him. People change themselves by their own desire and efforts, not by their parents' for them. This I have learned the hard way.

We are all in tough spots here with only hard, hard options. None of them are what we would wish.

Hard option one: to help him, to set yourself up as the police in your own home; to put in 90 percent of the effort to change him. Do you think this is a course of action designed to succeed?

Hard option 2: However hard it is to listen to his complaints, let him take steps to change his situation and in so doing change himself. Victory Outreach understands addiction and addicts.

Do you feel you can do it better than they? Based on your love for your son and your strong need to silence your own pain and worry, to do something, anything? Do you believe really that those credentials are such to face down heroin addiction?

The last thing I want to say is this: Think about your love for your child and exactly how you define love. Is love doing for him? Is love protecting him? Is love doing whatever it takes to silence his pain? Is love doing anything to know he is safe, protected?

Now think about it, please. Your son is a man. Do you believe that love, based on helping, will support his walk to become a man?

I join my voice with the others. Let him leave the program based upon his own efforts, his choices, his responsibility for himself.

Most of us responding here have been in your shoes, myself included. Letting my son come home (multiple times) was each time a mistake. And each time I did so the result was greater pain for us, let alone my son. We so understand the impulse, the strength of our need, to do so, to act from the heart.

None of us know the answers here. We only know what happened with us, to us. What I am learning is that it is the work of my son, to create his own answer and with this his life. Isn't there a beauty and respect in this? This I am learning, here.

Whatever you choose, take heart, that we are here, with you and for you. And for your son.
 
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GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
Please remember that this board is open to members of all beliefs and to those who follow no system of belief at all.

Also, it is not uncommon for those who are of an addictive personality to replace one addiction with another. In some cases that replacement can be religion and it can be just as damaging as any other addiction if carried too far.
 

PatriotsGirl

Well-Known Member
My opinion is that if you don't like reading anyone speak of God, don't participate in the particular thread.

And yes, I would much rather my daughter be addicted to Jesus than meth!!!

Have a blessed day!
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
PG, my concen is that I have seen addicts relapse when the unanswered prayers start to pile up.

I don't know what you and your daughter are being taught by this "Granny", nor do I know if you are researching studying BEYOND the bible, but I hope so. I also hope that you are studying other faiths as well.

I am NOT anti-religion. I just feel that some of these posts come perlilously close to "witnessing", and that is something that may make a lot of people uncomfortable.
 

PatriotsGirl

Well-Known Member
If I want to witness, I will witness. If someone posted about their personal experience with Buddha, I would NEVER have the audacity to tell them they couldn't. You do not have to read it.

This "granny" is an amazing woman and has done SO much for addicted women. You have no clue.
Yes, I have always read about other religions. Nothing has touched me like God has. I have had my own personal experiences that lead me to believe He is real. So sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but I don't live my life for you.

If I cannot speak about God, go ahead and ban me now because I won't stop.
 
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