at a loss today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mrsstanley, Aug 8, 2013.

  1. mrsstanley

    mrsstanley New Member

    My husband is an addict and has bipolar 2 disorder. I keep apparently lying to myself thinking he's doing better but every time I find out he's not. Apparently I'm the bad guy and the fact that he spends money that we don't have on pills only to find out later from my sister. Not him of course. I confront him and maybe I shouldn't do it in the way that I do but my gosh, how much am I supposed to take? My daughter just came home from the detention home and has Borderline (BPD) so I have a lot on my plate with just her. I need him to be there supporting me and he can't. Won't. Whichever. Does it matter which one? I'm lost. I feel like I have no one to cry to, to vent, to share. I'm so embarrassed. He doesn't work and recently applied for ssi but that's not helping me now. I don't have the money to pay my bills but he has the money for pills. $20 didn't break us he told me. Easy for him to say. I just want normal. I want love and support. I'm kind of ****** that I have to keep taking care of everyone. I know that unless he wants help or does it for himself there's nothing I can do. So I just sit and watch. Its not fair! It's completely unfair. I am so mad. So hurt.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    In one sense, yes it matters. It's like the difference between the person who walks past the dust and the dirty floor, and the blind person who does the same. We don't expect the blind person to see it. Sometimes, knowing whether it's "can't" or "won't" makes a difference on how we take it, and the strategies we use to deal with it. And given that you have two kids on the spectrum... your husband may well have some of those traits also.


    No matter what... YOU need help.
    Two difficult child kids, both AS, one with more complications... YOU need help.
    You need a therapist or some kind of counsellor that you can talk to, someone you can dump on who can take it instead of dishing it back.
    You need to find slices of time for your sanity. For some of us, we can't even get away on our own, so we have creative sources... for me, it's a bath after everyone else is in bed and the house is shut down for the night... it's my "half-hour" of me-time, and I refuse to think about anybody else for 30 minutes. I recite poetry in my head, or favorite songs. I plan the next craft project, knowing it will be a few years before I can get to it... it's still fun. Some people give themselves a half-hour of uninterrupted reading time. Or a dog-walk. SOMETHING that does something for YOU.

    What options do you have for respite for one or more of the kids? Even an hour or two at a time makes a big difference.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm so sorry things are this rough for you right now, but you have come to the right place.

    The first thing you need to believe is that your husband and daughter are both out of your control. You can only control one person and that is yourself. And, believe it or not, you can have a rich, fulfilling life even while your loved ones choose to self-destruct and create havoc. You can choose to stand apart from their drama and to detach. I really, really recommend going to a Narc-Anon or Al-Anon meeting, even if you aren't religious. The meetings give you real life people to talk to and to listen to and the 12 Steps will help you take care of the one person you CAN take care of...YOU!!! Again, you do not need to have a particular religion or even have any at all. The main message is to detach from the sick people in your life and to learn how to make your own life happy in spite of them.

    If you don't like the idea of 12 Step, I'd seek therapy anyway and I highly recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I'm sure other people will be here tomorrow, maybe even tonight. You can vent all you like here.