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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 723459" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome hospicenurse. I'm sorry you 're going thru this with your son.</p><p></p><p>It may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.</p><p></p><p>It may also be helpful for you to read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. It's a wonderful resource for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Your son is a thief and a liar. He steals from everyone without consequences so the behavior continues. You're enabling him. Sorry to be so blunt, but it usually takes a direct hit of truth to force us to wake up from the FOG, 'fear, obligation and guilt'. From your post, there is no other way to interpret your son's behavior. </p><p></p><p>It can be extremely difficult for us parents to admit to what our kids are really up to. If your son is not a substance abuser, then he has other issues which only he can fix. You can't do it for him.</p><p></p><p>What most of us here realize is that WE are the ones who have to change. If you want any change then you will have to make it.....starting with boundaries around your son's behavior. It may be time to tell him that the next time he steals, you will call the police. In order for any change at all to happen, your son must face the consequences of his behavior. You are not helping him by allowing the behavior, you are teaching him that it is ok to lie and steal if you aren't providing negative results when he lies and steals. </p><p></p><p>Not working and not paying bills is not real life. If he is unwilling to work, then it may be prudent for you to force him to leave your home. There are shelters in most towns, you can google it to find out where they are. Many of our adult troubled kids act in similar ways and usually at some point, the parents remove them from their homes. You don't deserve to have your sanctuary contaminated by lies and theft, you deserve a safe, peaceful home where you can trust the others living there. You cannot trust your son.</p><p></p><p>Many of us require professional help to make these changes. I would suggest you find a therapist, a parent group or somewhere you can go to find guidance, information and support. It is not easy to force our troubled kids to grow up and find their own way when they are refusing to launch. They will manipulate us to continue their entitled lifestyle, so if you choose to change the dynamic and begin to allow your son to face the consequences of his own behavior, gear up for the onslaught of manipulations.</p><p></p><p>If your son is a substance abuser, many here find solace and support in Families anonymous, Al Anon and Narc Anon. CoDa, Codependents anonymous is also helpful. If you need support in finding a therapist, you can check out the Psychology today website or goodtherapy.org. Both offer local therapists.</p><p></p><p>Disengaging from our adult kids negative lifestyle choices is difficult, we often need a lot of support to make the changes necessary. I encourage you to find support and to keep posting. It helps to write it down and have others, who truly get it, to hear you and respond. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. It sounds as if you've reached the point where change is now necessary. We all understand where you are, we've been there. Take care of YOU, do kind and nourishing things for yourself as you seek support. You've done enough for your son, take care of yourself now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 723459, member: 13542"] Welcome hospicenurse. I'm sorry you 're going thru this with your son. It may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It may also be helpful for you to read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. It's a wonderful resource for all of us. Your son is a thief and a liar. He steals from everyone without consequences so the behavior continues. You're enabling him. Sorry to be so blunt, but it usually takes a direct hit of truth to force us to wake up from the FOG, 'fear, obligation and guilt'. From your post, there is no other way to interpret your son's behavior. It can be extremely difficult for us parents to admit to what our kids are really up to. If your son is not a substance abuser, then he has other issues which only he can fix. You can't do it for him. What most of us here realize is that WE are the ones who have to change. If you want any change then you will have to make it.....starting with boundaries around your son's behavior. It may be time to tell him that the next time he steals, you will call the police. In order for any change at all to happen, your son must face the consequences of his behavior. You are not helping him by allowing the behavior, you are teaching him that it is ok to lie and steal if you aren't providing negative results when he lies and steals. Not working and not paying bills is not real life. If he is unwilling to work, then it may be prudent for you to force him to leave your home. There are shelters in most towns, you can google it to find out where they are. Many of our adult troubled kids act in similar ways and usually at some point, the parents remove them from their homes. You don't deserve to have your sanctuary contaminated by lies and theft, you deserve a safe, peaceful home where you can trust the others living there. You cannot trust your son. Many of us require professional help to make these changes. I would suggest you find a therapist, a parent group or somewhere you can go to find guidance, information and support. It is not easy to force our troubled kids to grow up and find their own way when they are refusing to launch. They will manipulate us to continue their entitled lifestyle, so if you choose to change the dynamic and begin to allow your son to face the consequences of his own behavior, gear up for the onslaught of manipulations. If your son is a substance abuser, many here find solace and support in Families anonymous, Al Anon and Narc Anon. CoDa, Codependents anonymous is also helpful. If you need support in finding a therapist, you can check out the Psychology today website or goodtherapy.org. Both offer local therapists. Disengaging from our adult kids negative lifestyle choices is difficult, we often need a lot of support to make the changes necessary. I encourage you to find support and to keep posting. It helps to write it down and have others, who truly get it, to hear you and respond. Hang in there. It sounds as if you've reached the point where change is now necessary. We all understand where you are, we've been there. Take care of YOU, do kind and nourishing things for yourself as you seek support. You've done enough for your son, take care of yourself now. [/QUOTE]
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