At my limit and introduction

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GoodluckGirl, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    My difficult daughter is 18 and we are just starting to set hard limits with her that are heartbreaking. She has not been medication compliant without strict monitoring for a couple of years. She switched medication last spring and although it didn't do wonders, it did help with physically violent outbursts at home. She remained verbally abusive on a daily basis. She graduated highschool last spring and in order to continue living in our home these were our conditions:
    -Medication must be taken daily without verbal abuse
    -Attain stable employment of 40 hours a week
    -Assist with laundry and dishes
    -Actively save for moving out or make a plan to attend community college
    As the summer wore on, her behavior got progressively worse. She wouldn't look for a job, do chores, or groom, and everyones interactions with her became combative. In August, I kicked her out of the home from 9AM-9PM until she obtained a job. Magically, she had one within two days. She's an exceptionally attractive girl and things fall into her lap. The first few weeks she managed to get close to 40 hours, then it dropped to 1 shift a week. We've been fighting with her to pick up shifts there since September. She's recently hired on seasonally at another job which has the potential to become permanent and pays extremely well. Unfortunately, she believes she's so awesome she doesn't need to compete for the job because they love her! They think her (manic) videos on social media are the greatest thing ever. She f'ing hates us and cant wait to leave home.
    She claims to have a friend to move in with although she hasn't once slept over with this friend. I'm all for this! I want her out! I don't want to live this way anymore. We've been kicking her out of the home for one or two nights a week all of Fall. Call your sister a :censored2: for politely asking you not to take her stuff? Out for 24 hours! Tell mom to go f herself for waking you up at noon because you need to be to work at 3? Out for 24 hours! Refuse to unload dishwasher while cursing like a sailor? Out! Out! Out!
    Currently, she's been out of our home all weekend. This morning, she beat on our door at 8AM (I took her key because she will let herself in after we've asked her to leave), barged in for medications (if we don't witness medications being taken she moves out immediately. I have two minor children in our home to protect and she is violent without medication), and left in a huff. She didn't curse, but I'm thinking she's earned another night out. I'd like to put up our tree tonight and I don't want her here to ruin that. I hate feeling this way about her. I really, really do. You'd think two nights out would calm her down enough she didn't return combative but apparently not. I want to throw a book at her head whenever she's around. She's got to go!
    We switched her to her own car insurance policy and next week my husband is taking her look at apartments if this 'friends' offer isn't really what she insists it is. I assume she's going to go off her medications as soon as we don't supervise her. I'm wondering how we handle a relationship with her after that. I'm not willing to provide financial assistance but we will provide her with resources and assist her in obtaining them. How does SSDI work? Can you receive it if you are currently employed? Is there an income cap? I don't know how long she can maintain her jobs when she goes off medications and isn't being supervised to bathe, clean up after herself and not run wild with fools.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry about this and don't know how to relate to violent young adults other than to limit it if they are unmanageable. Maybe only visit her in a public place so you can all be safer.

    I do know about Disability, at least in Wisconsin. For Disability here you must have a documented disability that impedes a your ability to support yourself. You can work. Where I live you can make up to $1100 and no more.

    Mental illnesses such as bipolar often qualify you, BUT only if the doctors agree that your illness stops you from making enough for a living wage. You can apply online usually. Most people are denied the first time but not everyone. Depends on the history and diagnoses.

    It sounds like your daughter is too dangerous to the others in your family to live at home. Disabilty gets everyone a Caseworker and can lead to community support. It's a good thing if the person truly needs some to lots of assistance.

    I hope you are taking good care of yourself and other loved ones during these trying times and I send my cyber hugs and good vibes! Mental illness is not handled well in our country. Not at all. It is sad
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2016
  3. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Thanks for the reply.

    I'd consider her disruptive but not dangerous at this time. She quickly crosses into dangerous the moment medication is skipped or stops working. I believe she currently needs an adjustment but she refuses convey that to her psychiatric so there is nothing we can do. We are the problem as far as she is concerned. Everyone else tells her she's amazing. And maybe they do? Mania in small doses can be fun to the young and naïve. She's keeps her verbal assaults in check with coworkers and casual friends. She burned through all her longterm friends over the summer but refuses to admit she's the problem there either. Right now, she's using a girl she went to junior high with for a place to crash. She didn't want to acknowledge this kid in high school... ugh!

    I am doing ok. I see a therapist weekly and I think that has been the driving force behind my tough stance. Self preservation and protecting my other kids comes first. I don't love her any less. I love her enough to let her fail. Her dad is having a harder time with this. Her brothers are detached enough to let it be whatever it is. I'm going to have to coach her sister through not enabling her when she doesn't have any money or is lonely but she can do it. Plus sister has a rocking therapist who she can talk to.

    Like many difficult children here, she feels no remorse over stealing from family members. She helps herself to her siblings cash and belongings. Oddly, I don't think she'd ever steal from an acquaintance. So why does she feel entitled to treat her family with such disdain? I'm trying to sort this out because things like this are the reason she can't live in our home. She's not a good person when she's with family. She does seem to be better with strangers. Is this attachment disorder? Borderline personality? bipolar?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Could be a personality disorder, with the lack of remorse and using people. Do you think she may be using drugs, even if its pot or alcohol? That's a huge reason our disturbed adult children to steal.

    Almost all of our troubled adult kids blame us for their bad behavior. Don't own the accusation.

    I'm glad you are all in therapy. That helped me through the worst troubles I've had. Sounds like your other kids are doing well. Shows that you ARE a good mom!! If you weren't, all of your kids would be struggling.
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    You're doing a really good job with her. You're enforcing consequences and not letting her manipulate you. What a challenge you have on your hands.

    She would most likely apply for SSI, which is for the disabled with little work history and few assets. She would get about 760.00 a month, (from what I remember) unless she works, and then it would be reduced by how much she makes a month. She would get Medicaid and food stamps. You can be her trustee and give her an allowance, so that she has no access to the money.

    I would go online and start filling out the application now, as it takes a few months before Social Security will get back to you. However, if she is awarded, she will get a retroactive lump sum.

    Include as much detail as you can. If she's been hospitalized, all the better to bolster her case.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yep, Daze is right. It would be social security. It's disability for those who haven't worked enough to pay in.

    My son works so his amount varies per month depending on how! much he makes. He gets around $400 a month considering his salary.. In our state he gets insurance and no food stamps. I am his payee but that was not automatic. My son and I had to go to court and my son agreed that I should be his payee so Judge granted it. Since your daughter is not a minor, you would probably not be allowed to be payee without going to court. And if she is against it, I don't know how that works.

    Check your state. They are probably all a little different.
  7. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Yes, she has been hospitalized previously.

    She's not on drugs. Her job(s) screened for them. Also, she exhibits very black and white thinking. So drugs are bad. Alcohol is bad.

    I couldn't get her to agree to bc pills for mood regulation because 'sex is for sluts'. And because nothing can be simple, she likes to lead on guys and girls even though she has zero sexual interest in them. She will throw herself at any new boy or girl, get them chasing her, then drop them like a hot potato for 'being inappropriate'. She's never had a relationship last beyond a week or two except for one, this summer, because I wouldn't give her any money to go out on. We have major concerns she's going to get involved with someone who doesn't take no for an answer when she's out on her own.

    I'm aware it could be narcissistic personality. I hate the idea of that more than labeling her bipolar. With bipolar, I guess I hold out hope the right drugs could be all she needs... you know?

    So I guess the plan for this week is to contact MHMR to see if they can set her up with a caseworker and get started on SS paperwork. I doubt she will agree to us being her payee unless something changes mentally. Her dad will have take her in for her medication check and apartment hunting. She won't cooperate with me and will make it a waste of time.
  8. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Thanks for all the advice and for listening.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We will always be here to listen.

    I have a daughter who doesn't have any mood disorder and got the birth control shot. It made her moody to the point she now refuses to take it. So that may not stabilize your daughters moods. Drugs work differently on all.

    At least your daughter is smart enough not to self medicate. That's big. It shows she does have common sense, under her mental illness.

    I have s son who is almost definitely a narcissist. He cares about nobody except himself and, to his credit, his son. But that could be because his son is his clone. At any rate, my son had no friends, has been mean to all his girlfriend's and when i talk to him, the conversations are 100% about himself. He also has serious anxiety disorder. I feel your hurt. It's not fun. I love my son a lot, but I don't like him.
  10. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Sigh. She slept at home for one night and she's out again. Her sister caught her going through youngest sons top drawer yesterday which happens to be where he stashes his wallet. I wasn't even aware she was in the house at that time! Although her story was she needed to find a belt for work, she's driving on empty and has no cash despite having filled her gas tank on Friday or Saturday and taking out $20 cash Monday. We plan to hand her bank card over this Saturday after my husband removes his name from that account (and helps her get her car repaired). Of course she's the one kid I didn't set up the banking for!

    I think my husband must have come to this board and read up ;). His conversation with her last night was about setting her free to live life her way and not as a punishment. We love her but we can not live with her and it's better or everyone to have some separation so we can heal.

    It's a crap-crap-crappy week! My best friends dad died and being there for her took over just a bit. I'm so glad to have therapy today!!!
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    GoodluckGirl, keep going to your counselor and getting support for taking back your life. This stuff is so crippling for us.

    Your daughter sounds impossible to live with, and I'm so sorry about that. We can't have people in our own homes who will steal the silverware right out from under us. For most parents, that becomes the dealbreaker. We'll let them get away with so many other broken rules, starting from not bringing dishes down to the kitchen to using drugs and cussing us out and putting holes inthe walls but stealing becomes the bottom line stopping point.

    It did for me. I used to write up contracts (ha ha) for my son to sign. I would sit him down and have these long talks about what he did wrong and how he had to change and here was a contract to sign. The last one was just one page. I can be a bit long-winded (really??? : )). He tore it up in my face.

    Sooo...we try and we try and we try and finally we are depleted and nothing worked and we have to give it up. I was one of the slowest learners here. I kept on in the face of complete frustration and defeat...why...because I thought my love would somehow, one day, make a difference. It didn't.

    My son hit what I thought would surely be rock bottom so many times, but it wasn't. It was six years of pure He__.

    It sounds like you are working hard here, and let me support you wholeheartedly in that. Take your time and your pace to figure out what you can and can't do, and what you will and won't do. I know you so love your daughter.

    I am so sorry she is clearly disturbed and ill. In time, what will happen will happen. Focus on yourselves and the children who are still there. Let you and them be as important as she is. Because you are.

    We're here for you on this forum. Warm hugs.
  12. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Three of us had 2am phone calls last night we chose not to answer because we assumed it was dumb drama. It was. Difficult child received a mysterious threatening phone call and needed to warn us to lock our doors because someone is after her.

    I've tried to meet up with her a couple times away from our home but she keeps cancelling. She won't show up for MHMR intake (first come, first serve only) so I'm quietly stressing for her over that because I don't think she has her jobs anymore. She certainly isn't at work as far as we can tell.

    My husband tracked her down on Saturday night because she showed up to little sisters job with the roommate in tow asking for a food discount and to be served beer. Little sister kicked her out and called me. Husband went to check on whether difficult child was drinking and driving (underage) as the car title is still in his name even though her insurance is her own. I asked him to let her know not to contact her sister unless I have approved them hanging out and if she shows up at her work again I will take out a restraining order. Little sister has a job that will fire her for having friends drop by.

    In the last 10 days Difficult Child has managed to have two altercations at her seasonal job. She claims a woman called the police on her and falsely accused her of hitting her car and a coworker came over to her apartment, let himself in while she was in the shower, came into the bathroom and opened the curtain on her.
    She lost her debit card. She doesn't seem to be sleeping much at all. Every contact she makes involves mystery people who are posing a danger to her in some way... so there is stuff I'm leaving out but my husband is keeping a record.

    My heart is breaking. I keep thinking I should have done more for her somehow even though I know I was a good mom to her. I can't force her to behave and be who I expect her to be. She gets to chose the life she lives. I desperately want to force her at moments with what little power we have. This morning I considered just taking her car until she complies with going in for the MHMR visit, deposits her paychecks, tells me she understands she has to stay away from her siblings while she is unmedicated and unsupervised, and goes to the damn courthouse to get her car title moved into her own name... I want to force her to do the 'adult' stuff she bragged about on facebook.
  13. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    She should apply for SSDI. If she can prove that she has problems maintaining a job, has medical records to prove a medical disability according to the list of SSDI, then she should get approved. Does she have a diagnosis? You can work and I think the cap is 800.00 a month. After that they flag you and then do a review. I would try and make an appointment with SSDI attoryney and discuss her chances of getting approved. They also have program to help you work while also getting SSDI. That is why I suggest getting an attorney. Free consult.
  14. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    It's been a rough year. Difficult child has been held twice at psychiatric hospitals since March. First time, she was given a choice of voluntary hold or going to jail after breaking into our home and assaulting dad and sister. The second, involuntary, after leaving a suicide note and photos of herself on our doorstep (gesturing). She finally has a diagnosis of mixed Bipolar, rapid cycling. It's a start.

    She won't cooperate with treatment long enough to file for ssdi. She quits taking medication as soon as medical supervision is over. I can not, for the life of me, figure out how to get her stable long enough to arrange better circumstances. It's so frustrating. We caved once and let stay in our home on a trail basis... but she kicked herself out whilst having a tantrum after we busted her for stealing $140 a couple days in. She was flabbergasted when we wouldn't allow her to grace us with her return the next day.

    I'm amazed at how much chaos one person can orchestrate at any given time. Since the new year began:

    -She has obtained and lost at least eight jobs. Two of which have filed criminal trespass charges on her. None have been full time or lasted longer than a few weeks

    -Been evicted from eight living situations that I know of.

    -On a daily basis, she spins stories of dead/dying friends, her own personal medical emergencies, car emergencies, being stalked or threatened by individuals requiring police chases/interventions/arrests. She "found" her birth parents but both are dead. She made claims that we, her adoptive family, abuse her. IT NEVER ENDS!

    It seems whatever we do has to be top secret. We can't celebrate or plan anything without her invading and ruining it. My son just had surgery and we told no one, not even grandparents, so he could have peace during his recovery. Even with that, her radar pinged and drama was in full swing all week long.

    I've cut off contact. I do not respond to her texts and blocked her on social media. Her siblings and I are going to begin attending a support group for families of the mentally ill and regroup. When I started this journey last fall, I had no idea how sick she was. I thought a little reality would help her understand she needed more help than she was willing to admit. I don't think any of these experiences made her grow. She has just became more damaged, bitter, and out of control.
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Stick to your guns. Unfortunately, the simple fact of the matter is that you cant fix her. She has to WANT help before she will receive it. So sorry you're having to go through this but you are not alone.
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  16. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Thanks, Jabberwocky.
    Its been a particularly stupid week. Although I don't communicate with her, it doesn't stop her from harassing me by any means necessary at all hours. I just don't engage back.

    Part of me, feels like I should have just let exist living in our home, doing nothing with herself, for a couple of years so my other kids could have normal high school experiences. I don't know. She spent a considerable amount of time last year hanging out at a high school she no longer attended, rather than finding a job. Last week, she posted videos of herself playing clarinet and wearing a band camp shirt. I guess she's going for round two? I asked the district police dept to issue a criminal trespass order to keep her off campus but nothing ever came of it. She was live streaming herself speeding through their parking lots at release time.
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  17. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    The problem with this is that the others wouldn't have normal high school experiences. The oldest would cause drama, cost money, and basically suck the life out of the household. They want us to let them live at home with no strings attached, that way they can live the way they want to because they don't have to worry about where to stay or how to get money. The stealing will only get worse. Our son stole several thousands of dollars in cash and stuff, including my wife's mother's wedding ring and pawned it. If you haven't yet, go to the top of the Emeritus forum and find the article on detaching. It really does help.
  18. GoodluckGirl

    GoodluckGirl New Member

    Thanks. I'll definitely reread the detachment thread. It was very helpful last time.

    Im mostly here to vent. It feels good to be somewhere with people who understand and don't try to enable unhealthy behaviors. With summer vacation and surgery, I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks and I really feel it.
  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    No problem. Vent away!