I realized today that if my son dies on the street, or is already dead, that I would kill myself. My other 3 kids are healthy, loved, resilient and OK. They will be OK without me, I"ll make sure of that. Its the other one who has broken my heart and my spirit. He is 19, almost 20. Never really well...diagnoses include Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), oral motor mapping disorder, sensory integration disorder, ADD, Asperger's, bipolar, and schizoaffective. He has seemed more normal than that most of his life..was in main stream schools through 7th grade (with IEPs). He was cute, odd, clueless, and friendless.Late to talk, late to toilet train. In 7th grade he was failing everything, doing no homework, and hiding his tests and notes from teachers saying "call me" from us. We had no idea till he went away with his dad for a few days and I decided to clean his room. We decided he would benefit from more structure and sent him to a local military academy. Seemed good for a while, then he starting failing again...had more forced marches than could physically be done. I think he was courting them...then he had what looked like a psychotic break...and ended up at a wilderness treatment center, then a residential treatment center...away from home for 15 months. Came home for his junior year in high school and went to a school for kids with social issues...eventually failed out, didn't finish his junior year, and his been living, for the most part, on the street. He was with Occupy Wall Street for almost a year...he loved that, gave him a sense of purpose, but when it dissolved he had nowhere to go. He was in and out of mental hospitals (6 weeks at Bellevue), on and off medications, using adrugs including heroin then stopping...drifting ever lower. He busted up a friends house and was thrown out, and got a police record, including jail for failing to show up in court. He came back to live with me after jail (he has come back for short periods frequently, but usually leaves because he does't like to have to come home at night, or tell me where he is), or I have him leave because he breaks rules. So after a month at home (this is two months ago) he called and asked if he could stay out and I said no, 10 PM curfew on work nights (I can't be up worrying or getting awakened, gotta go to work and his brothers have to go to school!). He came home, packed, and left. He has been sleeping in a city park or under a bridge. He told me that while he was home he lied to me (daily ) about taking his medications and going to AA meetings. Now he is definitely off medications and definitely using. In the past I had him tied in with a social worker, social service, job readiness programs, and therapists. He blew all those ties by missing meetings (except the social security, which he has managed to keep). He has come by a few times with his new girlfriend, saying we have to accept her (he has had a dozen girls like this...tels us that they are "like a sister to him" and we have to accept them..they vanish without a trace after a few weeks or months...they sit with him in a few emergency rooms and then quit. He has had a few jobs..usually bicycle delivery for pizza or other take out food, sometimes dishwashing. He always gets fired for not showing up after a few weeks. HE finds friends houses to stay in and always tells me "they said I should just pay when I can , not to worry" then of course gets thrown out when he never pays...it is an endless cycle. Now it is cold. He is sleeping under a bridge. He came by about 10 days ago and I let him shower and wash his clothes. He has called twice to ask if his girlfriend can come shower and I've said no...I feel very very uneasy having both of them in the house, I don't even feel comfortable having just him i the house...I wouldn't want to sleep with him here. I don't know what is illness or incapacity and what he can fix. I don't know what to do to help him. I htink I have played all of my cards...in the end, ill or not, he lies, steals from me (forgot that part), uses drugs, refuses to take his medications or see a therapist, blows his SS money on "binges" and begs on the street. He only calls me when it is cold or he wants me to buy him lunch. I think I have to say goodbye for now. I'm just afraid he'll die and I won't know. I'm afraid he is dead or cold and scared, and he is still my same stupid mentally "off" little boy. I'd like to feel sure that I have turned every stone, or to be sure that I won't miss a potential stone going forward. I can't feel that I abandned him. this is awful. I want to die, even though I'm pretty sure that not letting him come home (he doens't actually really ask to), and not giving him any financial siupport is the right thing to do.