At my wits end..new comer

[BusynMember]

Hi there. Sorry about your rough night. I think all of us have had heartbreaking nights, trust me. We get it. To post on the PE board just put your next post over there. All of us go there regularly and it's a great group.

If you can't find a NAMI or CODA, I recommend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon since he seems to be addicted to drugs and Al-Anon is pretty much the same as Nar-Anon and those groups are everywhere. They are even online.

Think about Thanksgiving this way. We all have had to learn to think outside of normal society's terms. We do not have normal grown kids and our holidays are different because of that. Think of how much more peaceful your holiday will be without him there. Plus his presence would make you feel guilty, right? You may actually be able to enjoy the rest of your loved ones, and they deserve that and you deserve that love too. This girl doesn't sound like good news to me either and frankly I wouldn't have her in my house. You have no idea if she dangerous, if she steals, if she will cause a scene...at least you know your son. Doesn't sound like she'd be a good addition to the table to me.

You are not doing anything bad to your son. He is the one ruining his life. He refuses to take his medications? Then he will continue to be sick, and you can't make him well. If he had pneumonia or AIDS and refused his medications, you would expect him to stay sick. These brain disorders are also biological in basis and he does need medication. But, being an adult (I use the word loosely and only in legal terms) nobody can make him take anything. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. So it is sort of a waste of time to angst over what he refuses to do because you can't get inside of him and make him help himself. He seems to be good at surviving. Most of our kids are. They panhandle for money and couch surf or sleep in the park (their choice mostly because they refuse to give up drugs) and blow any checks they get...your son is not really unusual in our world.

I do want you to know that my daughter used heavy drugs and quit. There is always hope. Leave the door open for your son in case he sincerely does want to change his life and needs your support while in a rehab. But it is meaner to enable him than to let him learn himself that his way is no way to live. It is extremely difficult to do it, but as time goes by, and we see how useless it is to try, we have mostly been able to do a significant amount of detaching. Doesn't mean we never slip up, but we are good for one another. We are a caring group and we will help each other.

In the meantime, maybe do something you love to do but have been ignoring due to your fear over your son. You deserve a full, happy and rich life in spite of your son's choices. Maybe do something with your other kids. I don't know their ages, but if they are younger...watch a movie together or take them out for dinner, if you have the $$$. If they are older, make a date with one of them and spend mom time with one of them.

Many hugs and hope to get to "know" you better.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning Echolette. To move to the PE board, just start posting in that forum as you do here. You can start a new thread. I'll ask one of the moderators from this forum if they would move this thread to that forum.

To do a profile and bio,go under settings in the upper right hand corner, scroll down the left side, find what you're looking for and click on it. Remember that once you write it remember to save it. You likely didn't save it so it disappeared.

Yes, go to an al anon meeting and ask around for a Families anonymous or anything that fits. You might find you like the al anon group too. People supporting people to stop enabling another. There are also therapists who do sliding scale, most here do if money is a concern. Here in CA. a huge HMO offers a substance abuse program which has a codependency program within it, which I attended and it was exactly what I needed to get me through the worst part of the detachment process. Even though my daughter is not a substance abuser, they allowed me to be in the program because having a kid with mental issues is very similar and enabling is an issue in all of it.

The holidays are the most difficult time for all of us. It so represents family and when we're estranged from our kids, the estrangement looms large during a time which is all about family. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate since I may not see my daughter either. It's sad. However, do whatever you can to take care of yourself. Perhaps you might call the NAMI closest to you and ask them for referrals, advice, where to go in your area? I would turn over all the rocks to find support for myself. You will need it, it's very hard to do this alone.

Just remember, your son is invited to your Thanksgiving but is choosing to not come unless his girlfriend comes. In essence he is trying to hold you hostage with his demands for what HE wants, so not complying when that is NOT what you want is absolutely appropriate, it's YOUR home. If he chooses to be on the streets rather then with family because his girlfriend can't be there it is HIS choice, not yours. He is responsible for that choice, not YOU. You did the appropriate thing. I know that doesn't make it feel better, but it's the truth.

Try to get to an al anon group soon, it will help you. Wishing you a day of peace. (((HUGS)))

 

[scent of cedar]

Though it is the hardest thing? You are doing the right thing, where your son and the drug-addled, street-wise, older girlfriend are concerned. While your son is choosing this lifestyle, you will need to be very clear, both with him and with yourself, about what you are willing to accept and what you refuse to accept.

You are handling everything with grace and tact, Echolette. I like it that you are setting clear boundaries with him. Good for you. It isn't easy. Nothing is easy about our situations. We do the best we know. We are not in control of anything, when it comes to our kids. It may be that your son will rethink his situation if he finds himself without family on the holidays. It is time for him to understand that there are consequences to his actions and choices.

This helped me through some pretty rough holidays: Like you, I hosted large family gatherings and loved it. When our son was not there, when I was so worried about him that I literally could not think the way I needed to, to do the family dinner thing, this is what I did. Well, there are two things, actually.

1) I set a full place for him in my bedroom, where no one else would see it. I could not face his empty place at the family table. It gave me a certain amount of comfort to do that. I don't know why ~ but there are times when I take what comfort I can, and am so grateful to have it.

2) I made a talisman of sorts from something of my son's. Something small, something that reminded me of him, that smelled the way he did before all this happened. I wrapped it in cloth (that part is important), and put it in a box.

Then, I put the box in a drawer.

When I was especially worried, when I was angry or scared or just so tired, I would take the box out of the drawer. I would open the box and unwrap the item. I would hold it, and think about my son, about what I needed him to do, about what I needed to say to him. Sometimes, I would cry. Sometimes, not.

Then, I wrapped the item, put it in the box, put the cover on, and put it in my drawer again.

It helped me, to do this.

Sometimes, it is just about getting through the day.

There was one more thing I did, during the holidays. I bought those electric candles you put in the windows at Christmas? And I lit them for my son. In my heart, I was waiting and watching for him to come home. That he didn't, did not hurt me as much, because those candles meant he might still see the light and come home.

Seems so silly, now.

But I lived.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

I like the candle idea a lot. I like the idea that there is a light for him to find his way home, that I put it there, that he might see it some day wherever he is and find his way to a better place. Thank you for that.

 

[witzend]

Well, I have to point out the obvious - if your son dies on the street your killing yourself will do no good. Not only will it do no good it will abandon the rest of your family because of a choice your son makes. This is very confused thinking.

Would you let your son choose what clothes you'll wear on any given day? Would you let him choose your grocery shopping list? If not then you really shouldn't let him choose whether you live or die.

I hope that you will get yourself some therapy and work on boundaries. You are not him, and he is not you. You have your own value, and whatever happened or does happen with your son you are way beyond responsibility at this point.

 

[Echolette]

witzend, thank you for the clarity! I am over the fit of despair that lead me to that post, but these comments will help next time I start drifting towards that place.