At my wits end ...

aquarianmom

New Member
I have a daughter who is 32 years old. First of all I have 2 daughters who were both born with Cystic Fibrosis, a fatal genetic disease. My oldest daughter passed at age 27 years after receiving 2 lung transplants. She left behind a daughter who is now 16 years old and who I am raising. My younger daughter, is 32 years old, is homeless, carless, disabled, is a thief, a liar, a drug addict and has a lowlife criminal for a boyfriend. This girl has put us all literally through HELL for the past 8 years. She has stolen, and lied, and wrecked cars, and tormented, and connived, and manipulated, and disrespected and every other nasty thing you can think of. I am to the point that I am just numb. I feel nothing for her other than worry about her dying from the Cystic Fibrosis. There is a lot of guilt surrounding a genetic disease that you pass to your kids, and I already lost one to that horrible disease. That is why I feel I keep allowing her to weasel her way back in to my life. I cannot stand her as a person. She literally makes me feel ill just writing about her and that makes me so sad. I need to let this go and concentrate on ME and my man and my granddaughter... but HOW can I do that when she is physically sick? If she dies I will never forgive myself.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry for what you have been thru and are going thru. I have not been in your situation. But, maybe a small part of What I went thru with my sons issue might help.

After a bad back surgery, he was addicted to pain medications, then illegal drugs. We were arguing a lot, because in my fear, I responded with anger when he was using or relapsing. I decided I had to stop. One night I dreamed he died, and my last words to him were awful.

I decided, that no matter what was happening, I would always end the conversation by telling him I loved him and I was praying for him.

Eventually, things changed, he got better. But I know how hard it would be if he didn't... And if I had ended our last conversation in anger.

Ksm
 

aquarianmom

New Member
You are right! I get sooooo angry, she has hurt me so badly that I end up saying awful things to her or texting to her. All my rage and hurt comes bubbling out and I cannot control it anymore. I lost my brother who was my BEST friend on 7/17/17, he died in my arms, my father passed 2 months ago, and my mother is in a home with dementia. I get so angry at my daughter that she cannot straighten up, that I will probably lose her too soon.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
You don't have to agree with what she's doing, or enable her, or take disrespect from her. If that stuff starts say, I love you but I am going to disconnect now. It's hard. You want better for her than she wants. Have you been to AlAnon or NarAnon for family members? It helps you to decide to take care of you. Ksm
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
AquarianMom, welcome. I'm so sorry you're struggling with the behaviors of your daughter.

You've experienced a lot of grief with the passing of your daughter, brother, father, the failing health of your mother and your daughter being off the rails. I hope you have a good support system and that you're giving yourself the time and the space to grieve.

Detaching from our adult troubled kids is challenging.....it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For me, I required the help of therapists, groups, 12 step groups, books and this forum....support thru the process made it bearable and gave me options, information, guidance, compassion and safe places to vent and grieve.

If you believe your daughter suffers with mental illness, NAMI may be a viable support system for you. They offer parent courses that are helpful.......many of us here have taken their courses. It's for us.

You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

As KSM mentioned, 12 step groups like Families anonymous, Al Anon, or Narc Anon may be helpful as well. A good basic reference book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

Your daughter is 32 years old, she is the only one who can make a difference in her life. You are powerless. That powerlessness and lack of control over our adult kids is one of the hardest things to deal with......we believe if we just do this one magic thing we can make it better, but we can't, we don't have that power.

YOU matter. YOUR life matters. YOUR relationship with your husband and your granddaughter matter. Focus on you and your family, make you and your family the priority. It sounds like you've done everything you can for your daughter, you've done enough. Many of us have to face the possible demise of our adult kids....I understand how devastating that is, I've had to do it myself. Sometimes, all we can do is let go.....and to that end, I would encourage you to find support in whatever fashion works for you.

Hang in there.....you're not alone.....many of us have been in your shoes.....keep posting, it helps......I'm glad you're here.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry about all the loss you have suffered recently. Do you think maybe your daughter doesn't care what happens to her because she thinks her days are numbered from the cystic fibrosis? What is her prognosis? She doesn't think her life matters that much. Until she finds meaning to her life and realizes that she is important things may not change. She may be deliberately distancing herself from you because she thinks if she disappoints you enough, maybe it would be a relief when she goes.
 

aquarianmom

New Member
I'm sorry about all the loss you have suffered recently. Do you think maybe your daughter doesn't care what happens to her because she thinks her days are numbered from the cystic fibrosis? What is her prognosis? She doesn't think her life matters that much. Until she finds meaning to her life and realizes that she is important things may not change. She may be deliberately distancing herself from you because she thinks if she disappoints you enough, maybe it would be a relief when she goes.

That is what my sister thinks. After her sister died my daughter was so lost. She was living with her father (that is another whole nightmare story), and he refused to try and get her some counseling. My husband took both girls from me and turned them against me because he was mad I divorced him. He allowed them to do ANYTHING they wanted so they would want to live with him. Now he does not speak to our daughter at all.
 

aquarianmom

New Member
AquarianMom, welcome. I'm so sorry you're struggling with the behaviors of your daughter.

You've experienced a lot of grief with the passing of your daughter, brother, father, the failing health of your mother and your daughter being off the rails. I hope you have a good support system and that you're giving yourself the time and the space to grieve.

Detaching from our adult troubled kids is challenging.....it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For me, I required the help of therapists, groups, 12 step groups, books and this forum....support thru the process made it bearable and gave me options, information, guidance, compassion and safe places to vent and grieve.

If you believe your daughter suffers with mental illness, NAMI may be a viable support system for you. They offer parent courses that are helpful.......many of us here have taken their courses. It's for us.

You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

As KSM mentioned, 12 step groups like Families anonymous, Al Anon, or Narc Anon may be helpful as well. A good basic reference book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

Your daughter is 32 years old, she is the only one who can make a difference in her life. You are powerless. That powerlessness and lack of control over our adult kids is one of the hardest things to deal with......we believe if we just do this one magic thing we can make it better, but we can't, we don't have that power.

YOU matter. YOUR life matters. YOUR relationship with your husband and your granddaughter matter. Focus on you and your family, make you and your family the priority. It sounds like you've done everything you can for your daughter, you've done enough. Many of us have to face the possible demise of our adult kids....I understand how devastating that is, I've had to do it myself. Sometimes, all we can do is let go.....and to that end, I would encourage you to find support in whatever fashion works for you.

Hang in there.....you're not alone.....many of us have been in your shoes.....keep posting, it helps......I'm glad you're here.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Just knowing I am not alone helps a lot.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter and the problems your difficult daughter is having. I too can see where perhaps difficult daughter might be doing all of those things -- distancing herself from you, feeling her days are numbered so living only for the thrill of the moment, carrying unresolved guilt or grief...

How very tragic for all concerned. I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

I guess the bottom line for me though, is that you shouldn't have to put up with lying, stealing, and manipulation, regardless of its source.

I don't have any answers but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Keep posting. It helps.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Aquarian, welcome.I am very sorry for your need to be here, but you have come to a good place to find respite and encouragement.
You have suffered so much loss in your life which I think makes it infinitely hard to let go.
On top of all of this is your daughters physical challenge, how it makes you feel, the sorrow you have over something you really had no control over.
We have no control over our genetic makeup, what we pass on to our children.
Gently I write to you, there really is no sense in feeling guilty, or grieving over it.
It just is.
That is a huge simplification, I know, because in reading your post, two daughters with CF, all of the trials that come with that in raising them and watching your late daughters struggle and decline in health, leading to her passing, is heart wrenching and devastating. I am so sorry for your grief and all of the tangled up emotions that go with it.
You are in the toughest battle and have been dealt some very hard blows with all of this loss.

There is a lot of guilt surrounding a genetic disease that you pass to your kids, and I already lost one to that horrible disease. That is why I feel I keep allowing her to weasel her way back in to my life. I cannot stand her as a person. She literally makes me feel ill just writing about her and that makes me so sad. I need to let this go and concentrate on ME and my man and my granddaughter... but HOW can I do that when she is physically sick? If she dies I will never forgive myself.
Guilt. It is a part of the tangled web of addiction that ensnares many of us, for different reasons.
“If I had been a better parent”, if I had spent more time, if addiction didn’t run in the family, if, if, if.
The reality is, we are only human and did the best job we could under the circumstances we are dealt.
Kids grow up and make choices.
It is the hardest thing to watch, when the choice is drugs. We throw ourselves under the bus trying to save our kids. Unfortunately, what’s driving their bus is drugs, and they won’t stop until they realize the consequences of use, are not worth using.
What we need to realize is that as long as they are using, we become nothing more than an opportunity to them. They use drugs, and will do everything and anything to get what they want, which includes using us. Pulling at our heartstrings, using our love, finding our weak points, and literally poking at those open wounds until we give in to their latest “emergency”.
Sigh.

My two are deep into meth use, and all of the ravages that come with it.
I hardly recognize them.
We have gone through much of the same, manipulation, theft, blaming, the list goes on.
I was numb as well. It was the only way I could get through the day to day necessities, without driving myself mad, or having meltdowns on coffee breaks.
It was if a fog had settled over me, and I didn’t know how to escape it.
FOG.

F.ear, O.bligation, G.uilt.

It is this fog that keeps us returning to the same pattern of trying to rescue our adult children from the consequences of their choices.
Comes a point for many of us here, that we suffer the consequences, more than they do.

We see them as they once were, those little bundles that we nurtured and kept safe.

They grew up.
They made choices that we never imagined.
It hurts.
A lot.

When I was stuck in this fog, my two would call with the latest chaos in their life, my heart would sink and race, and I would go into “paramedic” role. That would mean rearranging my life, my home, whatever it was to save them from the disasters they had gotten themselves into. It took years of this cycling, until one day my daughter in a rage, circled my house and spewed out at the top of her lungs a repetitive rant of how I was “Nothing but a bleep, bleep, bleep.”
Ouch.
The fog started to lift.
I realized all of those years of trying to help her, her kids, meant nothing to her.
This was a drug addicts psychotic moment and it woke me up to the reality I was facing with my two.
I stopped seeing them for the memories and dreams I had for them.
I slowly disentangled myself from the web addiction had snagged me in.
I was so caught up in saving them, I didn’t see that I had numbed myself to the destruction they were causing me, my son, my hubs, my home.
I didn’t see that they didn’t want saving, help getting off drugs. They wanted a roof over their heads, three squares, access to what we worked hard for, so they could keep using. Using drugs, and using us.
It is a hard reality to face, but tantamount to pulling up and out of the grip their addiction had on me.

I stopped looking at my two as the little children I had raised.
They are adults.
They are drug addicts.
Understanding that addiction is an illness that can infect everyone involved is so important. We get so wrapped up into it, it is our mothering instinct to try everything to save our children.
A drug addict uses this instinct against us, to twist everything around into our believing that we are responsible for their choices, that if we love them, we will continue to throw our own lives by the wayside to come to their every need.
It is an insidious nightmare go round. Addiction feeds off of this, until we are so entangled that we don’t know how to move forward. We feel if we don’t do something, we are abandoning our beloveds.
There is nothing further from the truth.
We have taken up the consequences of their choices as our own and have abandoned ourselves. To the point that even thinking of self care seems selfish. “How can I find peace and joy when my child is out there suffering?”
“How will I go on if they die?”
I call this the terrible awfuls.
Our hearts, spirit and minds despairing the choices they make, we concoct all of the worst case scenarios and consequences they may suffer.
It is a miserable place to be.
When I start to go down that road, I say a prayer. “Please watch over them.” I have given my two back to God. It is too much for me to handle. I am not a counselor, a psychologist, I am not equipped to deal with their issues.
If you have faith in a higher power, giving your troubled mind to prayer is strengthening.
If not, there is meditation and working at practicing and training your mind to stop going into the swirly whirly of “what if’s”.

Understanding that you didn’t cause this, can’t control it or cure it, helps.
This stands true for your daughters CF, as well as her addiction and drug use.

Posting here helps me remind myself of the journey I am on.

That is to keep myself out of the entanglement of addiction.

It is what I wish for my two, to understand the hold addiction has on them, to seek rehab, recovery, realizing their full potential.

As their parent, I must lead by example. You too, Aquarian.

Rehab
- I must rehabilitate my heart and mind to finding new ways to react and respond to the challenges their addiction cause me. This takes continuous work to keep from slipping into old habits. Reading, posting, therapy, whatever it takes to untangle that web.
Recovery- I must find new ways to move forward and strengthen myself. I must realize that taking care of myself is not selfish, it is what I wish most for all of my children, that they take good care of themselves.
Realizing my full potential- Life is short. There are so many beautiful things to look forward to. Yes, there are challenges and tragedies in our lifetime, but there are still so many amazing opportunities and blessings.
Switching focus from the “what if’s” of my twos choices to opening up possibilities within my life, is my recovery.
I am working at healing, peace, joy.
I am convinced that by doing this, I am showing my daughters that they can do it too.
Throwing my life to the wayside as some sort of self flagellating, sacrificial offering, a bargaining for their well being, does nothing to change their choices and resulting consequences.
Living my life in ruins, will not bring them to their senses.
Only they can decide.
They can choose better, your daughter and my two.
It is completely up to them.
We can show them, by how we live, that there is much to living a wonderful life.
There is much to taking good care of ourselves.
There is much to striving every day to living as best as we can, despite all of life’s challenges.

I did not come to this train of thought easily. It took time, prayer and practice. I am mindful that it would be easy to slip back to old ways. So, I have to keep working at it.
These are my beloved daughters, I think of them daily and grieve their choices.
I think that it is important to allow ourselves to grieve and feel what we feel.

When I took those first baby steps to switching focus from my two, I summoned up strength from the encouragement of members here. I prayed. I broke down. Built back up and broke down.
I said no to them, because love says no to destructive, repetitive patterns.
“No, you cannot live here, you do not get well with us”
“No, I will not pick you up.”

It wasn’t easy to say no, after all of those yes’s.

I didn’t do it only for myself, there wasn’t much left of me to start with, so I focused on my sons right to have a peaceable home. He was just 14 at the time of my “awakening” He was fed up with his sisters using drugs and abusing us. I borrowed strength from his resolute stance that we shouldn’t have people living with us who stole from us. When I felt myself weakening, I focused on him.
I posted and read, started walking in the mornings before work. I went to therapy. I borrowed ideas from the pages here, parents who had been there, done that, and learned better. Music helps me. Quotes like “What you allow will continue.” Getting outside in nature helps. Focusing on my well children helps me.
One day, one step, one moment, sometimes one breath at a time, you can learn new ways of thinking and facing the hard reality of this.
I need to let this go and concentrate on ME and my man and my granddaughter... but HOW can I do that
You have taken the first step in recognizing your need to let go. The rest depends on learning to value your life, disentangling yourself from addictions web.
You are a warrior in the toughest battle.
Fortify yourself with necessary “weapons” to fight, knowledge, understanding, self help, and restoration.
You are not alone in this fight. We are all on the journey, at different areas on the pathway. Take what advice works for you, leave the rest.
You can do this AquariunMom, you are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Welcome.

My son who is 29 when he was 19 was diagnosed with a chronic potentially fatal disease acquired at birth. Our lives went down the tubes.

While I am his adoptive mother, he blamed me for the disease he has due to the lifestyle of this birth mother . He felt contaminated. Stigmatized. Defective. He feels he is a marked person.

This is markedly different from his personality as a child.

Like you I felt mad. I did not deserve this. But scared. I am terrified he will die. I have no way to protect him. Or myself. From the fate that could be ours, I am powerless.

I think there may be similarities in our stories.

Anger is a self protective mechanism for me too. By this I contain to some extent my fear and extreme vulnerability. By responding to my son's problematic behavior with anger I get some distance from my real vulnerability and fear. But what a great price I pay when I do this.

I think your daughter may be trying to protect you, by acting out. Perhaps my son is doing something similar. Testing me.

She seems to be saying: I am not worth so much. You will not lose much. I am just a big problem.

At the same time she may be punishing you as is my own son. There is nothing fun or fair in this. I am sorry.
 
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