At our wits end with 23 year old son. Any advise welcome!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CeeDee, Nov 25, 2017.

  1. CeeDee

    CeeDee New Member

    First a little history. Our son came home for Thanksgiving during his freshman year in college, went to a party got so drunk that the next morning while attempting to drive home he ran into a tree. The next three years were spent in court trying to keep him out of prison. (they charged him with a felony DUI as his friend in the car had a minor injury)

    We had a plea deal and because he was heading to medical school after college his record was expunged upon graduating college.

    Anyway, after spending a ton of money, time and energy we were moving forward. He returned home, studied for the MCATS had a job and even took a phlebotomy course. After he passed the MCATS he unraveled real fast.

    We had purchased a beach cottage that we were renovating and he begged us to stay there during the renovation. He found a girlfriend which I believe was his first love. He began an obsession with snap chat and instagram and called himself CreepLord!!! He posted bizzare content and continues to post up to 75 times a day.

    He quit his job and refused to pursue another one. We were so bewildered by his sudden bizzare behavior. After the breakup with his girlfriend his manic behavior turned hostile and aggressive. We went to a psychiatrist who agreed he sounded bipolar. We insisted he go see him as well and take a drug screen which was positive for cocain. He went to the doctor who called us and said he was not bipolar.

    He is able to go to the hospital and follow physicians during surgeries lasting 16 hous and behave himself and act perfectly charming. But at home he is hostile, aggressive and threatening. He dropped his medical school applications and says he wants to wait a year.(no problem we only spent 8k on application fees)

    He talks so badly to me and his father! We were so close before all this and were very good parents.

    I have had enough of the abuse and finally got his father to agree on taking his car away and deleting the data from his phone. I kick him out of the house but my husband keeps letting him back in.

    He parties every night, takes adderal and coke recreationally, has lost his really good friends, hangs out with losers, etc.

    So while I am from the tough love stance my husband wants to deal with his behavior in a "loving" way by getting him out of this element saending him to medical missions etc.

    Opinions please?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He is using drugs. At his age he will find bad elements even on medical missions. My daughter found the drug element in a church group. He cant be sheltered at his age. I have never heard about softness and love doing good to a drug user. And my daughter did the same sort of drugs your son does...coke and ADHD drugs. They crush them in pillcrushers and snort them. Meth also tends to go hand in hand with speed. A baaaaad drug, meth. But none are good.

    Tough love saved my daughter. I thought she was going to die and I wasnt going to let her die so easily...under our roof, with our money and comfort. Dang it, I was angry and sad and wanted her to hate drug life so much that she quit. We threw her out at 19. Almost ripped me apart to do it.

    By twenty she had quit, even her cigarettes. Her life proceeded uphill for twelve years and is still good. Would this work for your son? Maybe. Maybe not. But I have been on this site 10-15 years and have never seen an adult child who quit this partying, screw the world lifestyle while living in comfort at home. It is normally after we pull back our living quarters and financial support and stop trying to fix them. Or...some never get better. Most do though, if we make things unpleasant enough. And we can offer emotional cheering when they do well, bug not money or cars or toys. Jmo

    One thing for sure. We didnt cause this, we cant cure it it and we cant control it. I favor tough love because, at least here, on this forum, I have seen better results with that method.

    I highly recommend a therapist for you and hub to learn to cope and Al Anon for great support. Your son should not be allowed to mistreat you, especially in your own home. It is domestic abuse by your own child.

    I wish you the best. Others will come along with their own opinions. Be good to YOU. You and hub need therapy to get on the same page. Your husband and you need ONE plan so he cant play you against one another. Hugs!
     
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Is becoming a doctor something he wants or is it what you and your husband want? I would hate for him to piss away his potential for this type of career. It's not unusual for medication students to use cocaine and speed because of the demanding rotations and brutal all night studying. It sounds like more of a party thing rather than using cocaine for stamina, staying awake, alertness, etc. I'm not sure how medical schools deal with that type of problem. I would hate for him to get kicked out over it. What branch of medicine is he interested in? I think going into allergy/sinus practice is less grueling than some other specialties. When you're a primary care physician you basically treat common minor problems
     
  4. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I’m sorry for what is happening to your family and with your son. It’s probably even harder to reckon, with the promise that he showed

    But one car accident is one thing, this sounds like substance abuse and/or a psychiatric issue.

    Neither of which are reasons to tolerate an adult verbally abusing you in your home.

    The advice about getting support for yourself is so important. Because, at the end of the day, you will have to gain some clarity and emotionally detangle yourself from his choices and outcome.

    Hopefully with optimism and strength, you will communicate the boundaries for what behavior you will accept in your home from your son — whether he’s a future doctor or an addict, or both.

    If you choose to support him while he is working on his issues, and being a good tenant, then that is gravy.

    It seems like such a massive stretch to get to that mindset, I know. We lose our bearings an inch at a time out of love and concern and a desire to understand and help and even to preserve their futures, which they seem to be jeopardizing.

    But your son isn’t supposed to be treating you this way. The reason why he is might be a mystery to you, but that doesn’t make the answer negotiable. And negotiating with him or yourself about the behavior hurts everyone.

    His future won’t be sustainable if he doesn’t address what is going on.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi CD Welcome
    I am sorry you find yourself needing to be here. I am glad you found us all the same.

    Dabbling in the drugs your son is involved with is a very dangerous thing. The change of friends groups is very concerning g as well.

    Him not wanting to continue with school or work is not a good thing either.

    Sending him on a medical mission at this point in time may be very risky. Especially if this is in another country.

    My girlfriend too k he son away to Belize to help straighten him out and he was messing around with drugs and wound up in jail there. It till months and thousands of dollars to get him out of jail and back home. He is still messing around with drugs and they have stopped enabling him and out him out.

    I have a son who had a drug problem. He is very young still in highschool. Even at his young age we put very stringent boundaries in place and he has been out of the home for continued to drug and steal from us.

    He spent a week and a half in jail and is now out on home arrest waiting for a rehab bed. It took us this much detachment and struggle for him to realize he has a problem.

    It is very challenging to deal with such issues with our children. I read a few books, go to a therapists and Naranon meeting. It helps a lot.

    The books I have read are:
    Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You
    Codependent No More
    Daiky Sesh book from Naranon

    It have given me strength to love and not enable my son.

    My husband and I were add odds about how to manage our son and it almost cost us our 30 year relationship.

    I do hope you see a way to seek help and support each other. A united from is important when dealing with challenges with our children and adult children.

    The aggressive and crazy behaviour is often the drugs having a negative impact on their personality. I would swear my son has Boarder Line Personaliry disorder when he is using drugs. He lies, steals, had crazy meltdowns and terribly disrespectful. When he is off the drugs that all goes away.

    We are hoping for the best with no expectations moving forward. One day at a time.

    I do hope you and your husband can find a common group to manage your son. I was asked once by my therapist “Would you tolerate this kind behaviour from a friend, another family member?” The answer for us was absolulty not. We put Boundsries and expectations in place and we stuck to our word. Anything else would have been contributing to his bad behaviour and addiction. We sold his car, he was using it to buy and sell drugs; we removed him from our insurance. We put him out of the house. We have called the police on him and had him arrested. With any luck if he makes it through rehab and is clean from drugs he may be able to escape this madness without a criminal record.
    There is no rule book that comes along with dealing with such behaviour. We do what we feel is best and what our hearts can bear. One thing I do know is that our son recognizes he has a problem and is now willing to seek help for his substance abuse. Prior to setting kiddies in place and detaching with love he was off the rails.

    There are a lot of parents here who have a lot of wisdom. I hope you find it helpful.
     
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  6. CeeDee

    CeeDee New Member

    He is not in Medical School he was in the process of applying and dropped the ball. And yes, I asked him the same thing. We don't care what he does we only want him to be happy. He says he "wants to be a doctor more than anything in the world"
     
  7. CeeDee

    CeeDee New Member

     
  8. CeeDee

    CeeDee New Member

    Thank you for your response and recommendations. Will get the books and read them! Everything you said fits with what we have been thinking. We will be seeking the help of a psychologist who specializes in this sort of thing. We have to find the strength to see this through.

    So glad to have found this group!
     
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  9. CeeDee

    CeeDee New Member

    Thank you for sharing your story and wise words! It has been so helpful to talk with other parents who have faced this or a similar situation.

    After I posted this he woke up and through the worst tantrum I have ever seen. Throwing avacados and apples, spitting, trying to knock holes in the walls. It was aweful. We actually called the police after he threatened to beat me to death with a stick. He is perfectly rational and calm to everyone else it is just us. The police said there was nothing they could do.
    Then we discovered he stole my husbands surfboard and most likely sold it. My husband still refuses to kick him out!!
    We are going to a therapist on Monday who can hopefully talk some sense into him and hopefully ready the responses from you kind and experienced parents will get him on board. Thank you.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They will sell anything for drugs.

    Meth causes rages and even psychosis. Cocaine is no bowl of cherries either nor is any speed. My daughter took downers to sleep. But she wanted to sleep during the day so she slept days, was up nights. Snuck out of bedroom window to run the streets until we found out and, yes, put bars on her windows. Nothing we tried from home stopped her from getting drugs. Since she was being homeschooled and had no car or visitors we were baffled, but she managed to sneak drugs.

    Making her leave was the hardest and best thing we did.she was killing herself. I was not going to help her die. If she died it would not be becsuse she bought drugs with my money or had a fatal accident in a car I let her drive. She was going tohaveto kill herself without help from me.

    But she quit instead.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017