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Parent Emeritus
At the end of my rope and just lost...
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 629078" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>It’s been a week. While he has said he’s looked for work, I don’t actually believe him. He has not bathed. I don’t believe he’s brushed his teeth. He’s still in the same pants and underwear he came home in. He’s changed shirts once. He sits in his room watching Netflix. He lies about everything. He lied about taking a shower. (I know because my mop has been in the shower for three weeks - I never took it back out after using it) He’s lied about reading the rules! (Said he did Sunday and then Tuesday finally said he had just read them - because he was not happy about them) We aren't home - we both work - so we don't have any way of knowing what he's doing all day, but it doesn't seem to be much. He says he’ll do laundry and it took three days of me insisting for him to do one load. Yesterday, he called asking for $20 so he could hang out with a friend. After a discussion with my husband I gave it to him, but I really don’t feel good about that. I don’t know what to do. We don’t want to kick him out. I don’t want my son homeless. He says he plans on selling his computer again…this is a $1000 computer he paid $600 for…and it’s his, he can if he wants, but that isn’t going to help. I'd think he was depressed, but sometimes he seems fairly normal - just lazy! </p><p> </p><p>At a training I was at yesterday, a part I found very interesting was the thought that lying and other behaviors could be genetic. My husband is not my son's biological father. We met when he was 4, married at 5 and he adopted him at 7. His bio-dad was a liar, cheat and theif and I mean that literally. By that I mean he lied when telling the truth was easier and got him in less trouble. He was a drinker - I don't think alcoholic is too strong. He would not work - nearly bankrupted me - and finally left when my son was 10 months old for a woman who wouldn't try to make him get a job. He never saw my son after he turned 5 and died when he was about 7 -8...suicide while in jail. I have never spoken ill of my ex, except to tell his son about the drinking problem in an attempt to alert him to the propensity. He finally asked how his father died a couple years ago and I told him the truth, as gently as I could, coloring it as "I think he thought they would find him in time." He has no memories of his natural father to speak of. My ex was not violent, but he was extremely manipulative. It's terrifying how much my son is like him...My husband and I are honest, hardworking, educated - he doesn't get this from us. </p><p> </p><p>We don’t know if the best avenue is tough love – make him move out? What if this isn't just bad behavior? What if he's really depressed or has some mental problem? With no job and no place to live and no car, he’ll dump the computer at a pawn shop, spend all that, and have nothing. He has very few friends and none worthwhile and his best friend here is literally homeless. He has nowhere else to go. He says he’s no longer smoking anything but cigarettes so he can pass a drug test for a job. I don’t know if I believe that. I know it's only been a week, but ... we didn't want him home any more than he wanted to come. He's our only child and we love him more than anything, but we don't trust him and we are at the end of our rope here. I can assure you he’ll say no to counseling. He’ll say no to military. He’ll say no to … well anything. I just no longer know what to do. </p><p> </p><p>Help?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 629078, member: 17309"] It’s been a week. While he has said he’s looked for work, I don’t actually believe him. He has not bathed. I don’t believe he’s brushed his teeth. He’s still in the same pants and underwear he came home in. He’s changed shirts once. He sits in his room watching Netflix. He lies about everything. He lied about taking a shower. (I know because my mop has been in the shower for three weeks - I never took it back out after using it) He’s lied about reading the rules! (Said he did Sunday and then Tuesday finally said he had just read them - because he was not happy about them) We aren't home - we both work - so we don't have any way of knowing what he's doing all day, but it doesn't seem to be much. He says he’ll do laundry and it took three days of me insisting for him to do one load. Yesterday, he called asking for $20 so he could hang out with a friend. After a discussion with my husband I gave it to him, but I really don’t feel good about that. I don’t know what to do. We don’t want to kick him out. I don’t want my son homeless. He says he plans on selling his computer again…this is a $1000 computer he paid $600 for…and it’s his, he can if he wants, but that isn’t going to help. I'd think he was depressed, but sometimes he seems fairly normal - just lazy! At a training I was at yesterday, a part I found very interesting was the thought that lying and other behaviors could be genetic. My husband is not my son's biological father. We met when he was 4, married at 5 and he adopted him at 7. His bio-dad was a liar, cheat and theif and I mean that literally. By that I mean he lied when telling the truth was easier and got him in less trouble. He was a drinker - I don't think alcoholic is too strong. He would not work - nearly bankrupted me - and finally left when my son was 10 months old for a woman who wouldn't try to make him get a job. He never saw my son after he turned 5 and died when he was about 7 -8...suicide while in jail. I have never spoken ill of my ex, except to tell his son about the drinking problem in an attempt to alert him to the propensity. He finally asked how his father died a couple years ago and I told him the truth, as gently as I could, coloring it as "I think he thought they would find him in time." He has no memories of his natural father to speak of. My ex was not violent, but he was extremely manipulative. It's terrifying how much my son is like him...My husband and I are honest, hardworking, educated - he doesn't get this from us. We don’t know if the best avenue is tough love – make him move out? What if this isn't just bad behavior? What if he's really depressed or has some mental problem? With no job and no place to live and no car, he’ll dump the computer at a pawn shop, spend all that, and have nothing. He has very few friends and none worthwhile and his best friend here is literally homeless. He has nowhere else to go. He says he’s no longer smoking anything but cigarettes so he can pass a drug test for a job. I don’t know if I believe that. I know it's only been a week, but ... we didn't want him home any more than he wanted to come. He's our only child and we love him more than anything, but we don't trust him and we are at the end of our rope here. I can assure you he’ll say no to counseling. He’ll say no to military. He’ll say no to … well anything. I just no longer know what to do. Help? [/QUOTE]
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