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At the end of my rope and just lost...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629123" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Force him to follow simple rules for adults his age, even if he does have depression? Nothing is worse for depression (I have a really hard time with it) than doing nothing except feeling sorry for yourself. But...</p><p></p><p>To me, from my experience with my daughter, it sounds like he is playing you and still using drugs. And on top of it he is acting irresponsibly, disrespectfully and like a person half his age, which is normal for our adult difficult child kids. You can't make your son any worse. You can't make him better. Only he can decide to get whatever help he needs and it sounds like he is rejecting all help so you're kind of at ground zero. But you don't have to enable him not to change. My opinion is that you cut off the fun money once the adult child is eighteen unless he is terminally ill, in school, or working full time and following the simple house rules most of us expect.</p><p></p><p>Unless you stick to your rules like glue, he will break them, like a little kid, and refuse to grow up or go to rehab, if needed, or get counseling, if necessary. You are nicer than me. His behavior would not fly here. I have an austistic son and he started working part time at seventeen and now still works and is getting his own apartment and paying for it himself. I am a big believer in teaching our kids, at a young age, self-reliance. I've had problems with some of my kids, but refusing to work or sustain themselves is not one of them. My child who took drugs got no extra money from us so she actually got a job. And she has always had a good work ethic, even while taking drugs. Go figger. Eventually, she had to leave because she had continuously broken our house rules after being on parole twice for pot (she was doing more than pot, but we didn't know it). She actually quit not only her drug use but smoking cigarettes and has been doing great for a long time now.</p><p></p><p>From my perspective, which is not universal, it is very hard to do tough love because we love our children. I cried for weeks after I made my daughter leave our house. But I felt I had to do it for the sake of h er younger siblings who saw her behavior and for herself. I thought the opposite of you. I thought that if I didn't force her to live a hard, uncomfortable life she'd have no incentive to change...so we did it. And she changed. Not saying it works for everyone, but it worked really well for us.</p><p></p><p>I highly recommend going to a Twelve Step Meeting and reading Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Great book. Opened my eyes. I was that person who felt like I had to fix everyone and put myself last and, as far as my kids went, my life WAS them. I had no life or identity apart from them. I had a lot to learn, especially when I got blindsided by having one very difficult son and a daughter who used drugs. I had to totally learn a new way of coping to help both them and myself. I am still working on myself.</p><p></p><p>Gentle hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I get it. We all do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629123, member: 1550"] Force him to follow simple rules for adults his age, even if he does have depression? Nothing is worse for depression (I have a really hard time with it) than doing nothing except feeling sorry for yourself. But... To me, from my experience with my daughter, it sounds like he is playing you and still using drugs. And on top of it he is acting irresponsibly, disrespectfully and like a person half his age, which is normal for our adult difficult child kids. You can't make your son any worse. You can't make him better. Only he can decide to get whatever help he needs and it sounds like he is rejecting all help so you're kind of at ground zero. But you don't have to enable him not to change. My opinion is that you cut off the fun money once the adult child is eighteen unless he is terminally ill, in school, or working full time and following the simple house rules most of us expect. Unless you stick to your rules like glue, he will break them, like a little kid, and refuse to grow up or go to rehab, if needed, or get counseling, if necessary. You are nicer than me. His behavior would not fly here. I have an austistic son and he started working part time at seventeen and now still works and is getting his own apartment and paying for it himself. I am a big believer in teaching our kids, at a young age, self-reliance. I've had problems with some of my kids, but refusing to work or sustain themselves is not one of them. My child who took drugs got no extra money from us so she actually got a job. And she has always had a good work ethic, even while taking drugs. Go figger. Eventually, she had to leave because she had continuously broken our house rules after being on parole twice for pot (she was doing more than pot, but we didn't know it). She actually quit not only her drug use but smoking cigarettes and has been doing great for a long time now. From my perspective, which is not universal, it is very hard to do tough love because we love our children. I cried for weeks after I made my daughter leave our house. But I felt I had to do it for the sake of h er younger siblings who saw her behavior and for herself. I thought the opposite of you. I thought that if I didn't force her to live a hard, uncomfortable life she'd have no incentive to change...so we did it. And she changed. Not saying it works for everyone, but it worked really well for us. I highly recommend going to a Twelve Step Meeting and reading Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Great book. Opened my eyes. I was that person who felt like I had to fix everyone and put myself last and, as far as my kids went, my life WAS them. I had no life or identity apart from them. I had a lot to learn, especially when I got blindsided by having one very difficult son and a daughter who used drugs. I had to totally learn a new way of coping to help both them and myself. I am still working on myself. Gentle hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I get it. We all do. [/QUOTE]
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At the end of my rope and just lost...
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